grace abounds.

No, it really does.

I'm reading a book right now titled, "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning (and you should probably go grab yourself a copy). In the midst of his continual description of grace, he says that "we can't save ourselves. To the extent that we are self-made saints..the hookers and swindlers enter before us because they know they cannot save themselves..."

I get it. I've always known that God disciplines his children because of his love for us. Not to harm us. Not to make us angry at him. But because he sees the big picture, we don't, and he knows that it will make us run to him. (*eyes roll* I know it does me.)

If we are too self-righteous, think we've got it all right, think we don't necessarily need saved from anything, then we're too proud to see the cross for what it's worth. We look at the cross with blurred vision and can't see the extent of what REALLY happened on Calvary.

For some reason, we measure our sin against others'. Even upon reading the 'hooker' quote above, I'll guarantee that you, like myself, felt a sense of pride because you yourself are the 'farthest thing' away from a hooker. Guess what? You're not. I'm not. Here's the thing, though. Because society has let those hookers know just how 'bad' they are, they'll believe it. They, God-willing, will face their sin, realize how dirty they are, and KNOW that they cannot enter into those pearly white gates on their own accord. It's because they've been in the valley, they've faced their sin, they've been abandoned, and their souls are crying out for help. They've fallen so far that they know they are undeserving of God's grace. THIS is the moment of letting go of self-righteousness. They know they cannot save themselves.

Again, guess what? That's me. That's you. I know one thing. I know that Jesus died for all sins. So, to me? that means that he sees them equally. He doesn't see them like we see them. He sees the murderer and the liar as equal. BOTH undeserving.

Pride is the key word here. Pride tricks us into believing that we can save ourselves....that stupid, cliche, traditional acts will actually 'get us in'. Hah. I just get it now. It's not about how much time you spend in prayer, how many Sundays out of the month you can get yourself to that pew, how many times you open your home to 'fellowship', how much you throw in the offering (out of obligation). I legitimately think it takes our sin sinking us so bad, and GOD ALLOWING IT, for us to realize we are DIRTY, PRIDEFUL, SELFISH, BITTER, JEALOUS, MESSED UP, SINFUL beings....it takes this for us to realize that God alone, through his Son, can save us. That's grace....

...and it abounds.

I'd rather be that hooker....

misrepresented.

Forewarning: This is gonna be a very {mixed emotions} post. Raw, if you will. (Let's hope by the end my heart has softened at least a little).

If you're an unbeliever, this will seem foreign to you.
If you're a believer, I hope? you've wrestled with jesus this same way.

I've never been more angry at Jesus than this past week. Two specific days come to mind. (I even legitimately questioned if I were a Christian.) I was alone one night. I started to journal in order to straighten my scattered thoughts. I was writing to Jesus..

"I'm so tired of defending you. I have to pull something cliche out of my a** every time people ask about my life because I feel the need to f****** stand up for you even though I don't feel like you deserve it. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN ME. I'm done saying you have a plan. I'm done saying you are faithful. I'm not seeing you. I'm not seeing you work, I'm not seeing your people work, I'm not seeing anyone love you, I'm only seeing fake, hypocritical Christians 'love' you."

Yep. Word for word.

I'm gonna be honest. I'm not a fan of my life right now? (cue situational depression) Some moments are fun, others are tolerable, many are discouraging. The craziest thing about this? is that I'm writing this for the world to see right now. Not as a cry for help, but for truth in reality. I'm "not Mindy" to many people, I've let my friendships fade, and I've become some sense of 'black sheep" if you will. My fault? Sure. I'll take the credit. At first, I was trying to prove my dependency on God. But as of late? i've sunk further and further into a hole because I'm tired of talking about my life. Selfish? Oh yeah. Every time I'm asked how I'm doing, my pride is questioned...by myself. So, no, I don't want to be asked that question. So, yes, I've pushed people away....probably when i've needed them the most.

Here's the thing, though. I'm not who I used to be. I'm being stripped of THAT Mindy. It doesn't mean that my mistakes, my failures, and my rejections define me, but they do indeed MAKE me. We can't grow without slipping. And to grow, we have to conquer our sin head on.

And then...Sunday happened. I didn't go to church. Part of me wanted to, part of me didn't. At home, my open bible was sitting next to me and tears just filled my eyes. I wasn't having it. Here's where my 'child of God' status came into question. It. was. awful. I've NEVER been at such a place. I just wondered how I was his child if I wasn't loving him, if I wasn't believing him, if I doubted all of his words. How was I his child if I cringed when I walked into a Christian book store? How was I his child if Jesus music tainted my ears?

We tend to only count our blessings when 'life is good.' Guess what? God is good ALL the time. I've almost become bitter? to people who haven't gone thru a 'hard time' (whatever that may look like to you) and had their faith questioned. Are you able to say God is love in the midst of persecution? As his child, I am supposed to rejoice IN suffering. That. is. hard.

And to throw all of this into a nutshell, I'm going to apologize to my God. Mostly? for misrepresenting him. I AM his child. I know it....but I doubt it? Either way, i've not made him enough for me. My contentment has been found in whether or not I make enough money, whether or not I'm happy in a certain moment. My contentment has not been found in him. I WANT it to be. I want him to distract my thoughts....and I'm tired of failing. I'm even tired of blaming my sin on 'sinful nature'. Gross. cheap grace.

My flesh, my human skin...it may not believe God's faithfulness, but deep down somewhere, where the holy spirit reigns....he believes it. And that has to be enough for me right now...

Powerful is HE.

I've felt God's power. It's not as if it's been some epiphany and I'm always lingering in this powerful midst. I suck, and quite frankly, there's many moments when I doubt. When I don't feel this power. When I don't believe this power. But, I know for a fact, that I've felt it. Thus, I can testify to it. I can look back and know that it does indeed exist because I have SEEN it. Even if for only five minutes. 

His power enables putting 'self' to the side. Legitimately wanting to hurt more than hurting another. Overlooking pride. It means filtering thoughts before they become words. His power enables a simple trust. Not needing details. His power gives peace. Peace for the unknown, peace amidst brokenness, peace by letting go. His power brings love. Love to an enemy; heck, even laughter. Love to this new friend. His power declares understanding among worldly impossibilities. His power shadows need for acceptance. His power begins the process of restoration. Process being the magnified part of the power. His power ignites a soul to want what he wants. And I want that alone (this may be part of those five minutes?).

...His power indescribably makes sense. 

introspection.

I'm in the middle of a movie, and I paused it. To write. To reflect. To talk...well, to give my thoughts, to Jesus.

(cue 'Good Life' by OneRepublic.)

I'm quite the extrovert. I get my energy from people. Not exactly from solitude. But, I may be starting to disagree with that? a little.

When I'm in a certain mood...I'll put on suiting music, I'll hope the weather to match it. I'll do whatever it takes to make my outer surroundings mesh with my inner chaos. To feel. That is, if I want to face it...the chaos. Other times I'll simply dispel both cases. It's almost as if my conscience and my subconscious are battling it out. One's gonna win.

Well, here we are. Movie paused. Bible open. Pen spilling.

I'm enjoying being so introspective? in the sense that I do so with Jesus. I'm not just reflecting on myself, but myself with him. I typically have my 'jesus time' before lunch. I didn't get to it today. And I FELT it. I was scattered, thoughts were wandering, heart was uneasy. I put this movie in because (hah) I didn't want to confront my chaos; better yet, I probably didn't want to confront Jesus. Shame on me for doubting him so. My conscience realized what I was doing and HAD to do something about it. It's not always fun. I don't always find enjoyment with staring at myself in the mirror, facing my ugly heart, facing hurt, and striving to see how this Jesus guy actually sees me. BUT (that's a conjunction for a reason), laying life at his feet is going to legitimately allow me to fall asleep tonight.

....bearing witness to how HE works.

at his feet.

There's something beautiful about coming before the Lord. Coming to him with praise, but even more beautiful? coming to him at your ugliest.

It means being vulnerable enough to tell him what he already knows.
It means owning it.
It means being mad at him.
It means being sad and feeling like its his fault.
It means yelling at him.
It means not being able to stand on your own any longer.
It means feeling weak.
It means depending on his strength.
It means allowing him to be the mediator between you and another.
It means crying to him.
It means being confused.
It means not knowing where else to go.
It means using him as a last resort.
It means knowing he knows the future.
It means wanting to be understood.
It means being faithless.
It means giving up.
It means giving it to him.
It means feeling hopeless.
It means surrendering.


It means being in relationship.

not all who wander..

..are lost.

You know that bubble that I described in my last post? Yeah..I think I'm starting the process of breaking through.

In all honesty, I'm wandering. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not enjoying the hand that God has dealt me. My sinful self is quite tired of it. The worst part? I fear the future. Like....dread it. Sometimes, the next ten minutes scare me when I don't know what they'll look like. I was at a volleyball game last night and praised Jesus for the match lasting five games instead of three for the simple fact that I knew what the next half hour would look like. Pitiful.

Heck. Thinking about the way the next two months will span out scares me even more. Clearly, I have issues with control if what is uncontrolled can scurry to my core. I'm at a point where I have NO other option than to trust Jesus. Even if that means I don't want to...I FEEL/OWN that I have to (this is me praying that he brings me to the place where I want to just to want to). No matter the control that I try to entrust to myself, no matter how tight I try to hold on, God is going to do whatever the heck he wants. If I resist (which I totally will and have), then shame on me. That's me adding hurt to myself. If I'm willing, if I back off and let him take THIS, take the next ten minutes, take today, take the next two months, his will inevitably will be clearer to me. Crazy that he already knows what he's doing with me and what he's going to do with me. His WILL will be done either way. I have absolutely no say in that. But, I do have a say in whether or not I'm going to be stubborn and resistant or willing and trustful.

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." (John 16:33 MSG)


I may be wandering, but I am not lost. Part of breaking through that bubble is having my eye on the cross. Jesus is the end result, and I'm on a path leading to him. I'll probably stray, I'm already swerving, but I'm willing to let him position my feet, even if it means going off course to enable him to strengthen this heart of mine.

faint-hearted?

I'm sitting here with my Bible open. I stumble upon Psalm 62. I begin to read....

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken..."

I was about to say, "No it doesn't. No he's not. Yeah I will." ha. But, just because I say so, doesn't mean it's true. What's true, is what he says.

I think I'm faithless lately? I sure don't find rest in God alone. He isn't my rock. He isn't the thing I wake up for, the thing I walk through life for. He's been pretty minimal.

Typically when I'm reading what he has to say to me through his Word I'm either convicted and encouraged to act or comforted by being understood. Both of these leave me feeling connected. Right now, I'm getting neither. I'm getting this sense of....cringing? For the obvious fact that I am not trusting in him to be this fulfillment for myself and that I just simply don't believe it but know it to be true?

I want to be more faithful. That comes from God right? I guess I just have to be more willing. It's as if I'm trying to break out of a bubble. It's clear. I can see through it. I can see where I need to be. I just can't get there. I try to force my way out and I feel walls. It's only visionary. When I begin to act, I feel the trap. Thus, I don't act. I'm stagnant. I don't move, I don't even attempt to take a step because that feels better than the rejection of the trap. The barrier.

As David continues, it's almost as if he has to convince himself of this truth as well. He tries to persuade? his soul to find rest in God alone. He then repeats that God is his rock, salvation, fortress, and that he will not be shaken. I wonder if he had thoughts similar to my own?

I think it's okay to be faithless sometimes because God proves to be faithful for us.

Gummies.

I pray for sin? Not really the act of it, but the consequence of it?

When we sin, we become convicted. This conviction leads us to repentance. Repentance leads us to God because that's where we experience his grace that covers up that sin. We experience the grace, embrace it, and allow God to embrace us. It feels freakin awesome. Then, our natural tendency is to pass it on. It's like experiencing Vitamin D gummies that just HAVE to be tasted by someone else. But, we wouldn't know how to pass on those gummies with full flavor unless we tasted them ourselves, unless we felt the 'happiness' that this 'sun' vitamin is supposed to provide ourselves. We wouldn't know how to pass them on if we had just heard of their awesomeness or just peeked at their glory through that bottle.

In the same way, we don't know God's grace unless we've tasted it ourselves. Unless we've felt sin and felt conviction and felt repentance and felt God and felt his grace.

Going back... I pray for the consequence of sin so that people are softened to be merciful! Why? Because when we ourselves sin, we seek mercy, we seek grace. We should seek this from God alone, but, let's face it, we don't. We want if from people. Why? (Romans 3). People are only able to be graceful when they themselves have been in the position of 'sinner'! When they know what it's like to be in need! Otherwise, you have people condemning you who have never before been in your shoes. They think they are being gracious, but they have no clue. To them, life is rainbows. Life is lollipops. And to them, most importantly, only the 'deepest' of sins is consequential.

Am I bashing people? Yep. Sure am.

I'm much more inclined to embrace someone through their sin because I know what it's like to long for that embrace in the first place.

....and God is gracious.

freedom?

I've felt a sense of freedom over the past few weeks (yes, for all the wrong reasons). With that, I've felt the need to 'indulge' (whatever that means. you can paint the picture for what it may mean to you..for yourself). There's been this need to prove that I'm 'normal', not perfect, and basically a sinner? ...not that I didn't know that....just to live it out.

I guess I'm trying to say it the way Merriam-Webster explains it: "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint."

Again, I don't know who I was trying to prove this to...probably myself? Maybe I saw it as another step to becoming mature? I'm not really sure.

Then the past 9 days happened. A rejection of type phone call. Sin. Discouragement. Sin. The second rejection of type phone call.

All of a sudden, I'm running. This time? TO God. NOT in my freedom. Then, I hear this:

"There's only one way to wash yourself clean...so let the dirt fall and get on your knees. There are a million scars for every mistake...but we are not chained to the secrets that we make" (Sons & Daughters).

In the midst of what I thought to make me feel free, was really weighing me down. What I thought would make me feel 'lighter', only felt heavy. What I thought to be of Jesus, was of Satan. I let my freedom in this world rule over my freedom in Christ.

....but we are not chained. let it go.

wrestle.

An extremely intelligent, loving, faithful man of God just recently passed on to me that Israel literally means "wrestle with God." (Thanks, N.V.).

....and that would be the stage of life I'm in. Heck, I always hope to be wrestling with God if it means I'm learning and growing....even though I'll always lose.

When I think of wrestling, I think of compromise, bargaining, win/lose.

....and that's exactly what I've been doing with God.

I want something, I bargain. I tell him I'll be 'better' at being in the word, 'better' at just being. (The state of my heart is nasty).

I try to win. I try to do things on my own. I try to make my own plans, have my own thoughts...I always will. But he promises to have different plans...different thoughts. Sometimes this drives me crazy and I wish my thoughts would just line up with his. Being in relationship with Christ means being able to, just a little better, see things through his eyes. I think he sensitizes our hearts to be more shaped like his....forming us in his image.

To be honest, I've become weary of trying, weary of learning. I always want to be challenged, so to continually learn sounds quite appealing. But, learning always comes with struggle, a sense of despair, and close examination of the heart.

I've been wrestling with God because I am quite knowledgable of him?...but I don't always feel him. I know he has plans for me, I know I have to trust in him, I know he will provide. I just don't always own it.

I'll close with the following quote, long quote, from my boy Dietrich:

"Jesus offers his disciples a simple rule of thumb which will enable even the least sophisticated of them to tell whether his intercourse with others is on the right lines or not. All he need do is to say "I" instead of "Thou," and put himself in the other man's place. 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.' The moment he does that, the disciple forfeits all advantage over other men, and can no longer excuse in himself what he condemns in others. He is as strict in condemning evil in himself as he was before with others, and as lenient with the evil in others as he was before to himself."

randoms.

I just told a friend on FB chat that her Jesus time would 'make or break' her. Well, it's breaking me. This morning at church God's Word was about His Word. About the depth that comes along with it, the sowing in one's heart it's able to take (Isaiah 55:10-13, Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23). Coincidence? Nah.

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I saw a girl from high school this weekend. It's been years. She was labeled quite the Rahab back in the day. So, seeing her, guess what I did? I held that same assumption. Upon getting closer to her, God sure jabbed me in the gut. She had nothing but Jesus tattoos all over the place.

****************************************************

I'm in the middle of really wanting something. Funny that that's what will lead me to talking to Jesus. I remember praying for a solid two days. The third day rolled around and I remember saying, out loud, to Jesus, "I suck. It's funny how I've talked to you more in the past three days than the past three months because I WANT something." I hate myself for this. Not even just because I feel like God is 'mad' at me for this miscommunication...but because I take it for granted.

****************************************************

I saw a lady with the following tattoo: Only God will judge me. I've seen this on more than one person in my day. I used to read this and stubbornly think that person was stubborn, one who broke the rules, didn't care what people thought, and just strolled through life with no regrets. You know what? I think these people just got it right. They've got it figured out. They really do know who has that judgment call and they don't walk around trying to please other people. They're probably more honest, more raw, more genuine.

****************************************************

I'm cold...on the inside. My heart's hardened. I'm past denial...so that's the first step right? Again, this morning, in the midst of the prayers, I read for God to change my heart that had been "hardened to resist God's mercy." It was quite appropriate. Actually kinda freaked me out. It was right on.

****************************************************

God's grace is shown to me by the people he's given to love me. It's been quite evident the past 2 weeks. I'm blessed by paths I've crossed. I know when people are genuine, when I matter, and when I was just a glimpse. The shortest text, the smallest message, the voicemail...God's grace.

content.

God tells us to be content…in every circumstance, be content (Phil 4:11).

Fail. 

My heart is so uneasy, so unsettled. I’ve never been at a point in my life in which I’m not legitimately working toward a “goal”, or what I think to be one. There’s always been school, graduation, and getting certified. Now what? I’ve been so focused on my worldly gains and forgetting my eternal ones.

God is testing me, no doubt. My patience. My contentment. My peace. All of which are IN Him…or should be.  I’m having a hard time grasping that thought. I think it’s easy for us to measure WHO WE ARE by our successes and failures. If we are ‘succeeding’, life is ‘good’ (I mean really...how many facebook statuses have you seen like this?!); if we are ‘failing’, life plainly sucks. What about just living as God’s child? What about seeing the big perspective, knowing that no matter what we do, we are here to be and make disciples? Failures or some level of steadiness do not mean that we can push the pause button and wait until God throws us something 'better'. It means he works through them. We have purpose even if we feel as if we aren't necessarily going anywhere. Difficult? Extremely. 

Crazy? but, I’m beginning to thank God for allowing me to be at a place like this. Otherwise? I wouldn’t stop and focus on my purpose for this life. I don’t want my identity to be found in my vocation. I want my identity to be found in Christ which can be displayed through my vocation.

sinless?

Well, I know I'm a sinner. I also think I know God. But, apparently the two don't go hand in hand?

"No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." (1 John 3:6).

Dissonance. That is what this verse creates in my heart. Why? Because God's Word is truth, and this seems so false.

This truth is both convicting and comforting. It even kinda makes me angry. ("Don't you dare tell me that I don't know God.") It is almost incentive to prove this verse because it seems so unrealistic to my worldly ears?....which is most likely the reason God spoke it in the first place. But, there is also a message of hope that seems as if it IS possible to NOT sin? I mean, is it? That's what it sounds like to me. I can't even picture that...to be so IN Christ that I not sin. Again, not possible....because only the Son of God is capable of being sinless. Nonetheless, I want to STRIVE.

I know I'm saved by grace through faith alone. That's it. But, it becomes cheap grace when this is what I tell myself every morning and then fail to respond to God's love. If I really am IN him, if I really am his child, if his seed really is in me (1 John 3) then I'll want to live accordingly...

"The mercy and love of God are not meant to make us feel that we can sin and get away with it; they are meant so to break our hearts that we will seek never to sin again" -William Barclay

I want my heart to be broken to my merciful Father so that I don't see his grace as cheap...

godless chatter.

I have a very good friend who knocks me to the ground in truth, shoving my insecurities in my face but grabs my hand, and holds on tight, in bringing me right back to my feet. Through this, I have been shown my sin of godless chatter. Thus, I've recognized it more in myself and in those I surround myself with. I've seen it happen among 'friends' when one walks out of the room. I've seen it happen among the same friends when one walks out and in comes another. I've seen it between a mother and a daughter, a sister and a brother.

Believe me, I'm just as guilty. What's so bothersome about it is 1) knowing God is witness to this all the time and 2) who am I to think I'm not the target when I walk out of the room?! (this may be a poor incentive to act on this insecurity).

I think it's really easy for us, I speak for myself, to base relationships off quantity of information, definitely not quality. When we feel fully 'filled in' we are more secure in our relationships. But, take out that information and all that's left is a level of trust to be pursued...which is unheard of these days?

I'm just really uncomfortable when I witness relationships that solely exist, are defined by, godless chatter. I know I have relationships such as these. This recognition slightly freaks me out because I wonder if they would even exist if this aspect were to be taken out?

This forces me into some deep self reflection on the depth of my relationships. I've recently learned (thank you Bonhoeffer) that in order to access people, I have to first access God. I have to go through him. That is, if I want my relationships, life, founded on Christ. I mean...I do. Duh. That means prayer. That means spending more time talking to God about other people, instead of talking to other people about other people.

I don't have the answers. I could focus on what NOT to do all the time, but that sets me up for failure. Instead, I'll strive to focus on the ONE.

the heart.

So I babysat this past weekend. The kids were great. Very respectable, sacrificial, and for their ages, very honorable to one another. I already knew they were decent kids, but peering into their home lives exceeded my expectations.
When their parents returned home, I gave them the typical 'report'. I told them how impressed I was with their behavior toward me and especially one another. They responded with gratitude and proceeded to tell me, slightly sarcastically, that they always hear this exact 'report'.

The catch? They typically see the ugliness to their kids' behavior, missing the near perfection that I was able to witness. For me, a mere outsider, they wanted to earn, for lack of a better term, "brownie poinits", to get an A on that 'report'. They strived for their best behavior. They knew it was in them, so instead of giving into their sinful desires, they pushed through in order to make me proud. The behavior they 'privilege' their parents with is possible because they know they'll always be around; they aren't going anywehre; they'll love them regardless.

Don't we do this with Christ? With other people? We strive for those brownie points, we put on a show... for other people. We know God will always be there so our behavior toward him becomes cheap (what part of this is fearing God by the way?!).

Funny thing? God knows our hearts. He sees right through our show. He sees all of our ugliness despite our successful attempts at hiding it from other people.

The challenges arises when we truly examine our hearts. Being two-faced could be an easy interpretation of such examination. One way around people, another way around Christ, in our hearts. I think recognizing this is the first step. First of all, the craziness of God seeing through our 'show' is the fact that ALL of it is swept away, free from his thoughts. He lets it go. We need to let it go. This 'two-faced-ness' is able to be reversed. It means recognizing how ugly our heart really is and wanting to clean it up. It means allowing God to show you the full extent of your sin in order to really know what freedom is, what peace is. Then, before you know it, those brownie points, that grade, is genuine. It's a true reflection of the heart.

brokenness.

For some reason, God's gotta do some big things to get our attention. Why? Because otherwise we go on living this 'good life' and ignore him if we aren't in need of assistance. I mean, it's true. I don't search for him, run to him, or even attempt to seek him if everything seems all lollipops and rainbows.

Perspective.

I went to Joplin today with my church family. The pictures, the headlines, the stories....none of this does it justice until you see it in person...for yourself. But, I think more than the actual devastation, the flatness of every building, the debris, was the impact of a few certain people.

Pauline. In the midst of sorting through clothes, I came into contact with an older lady looking for some specific items. I quickly asked her what I could help her find. This sparked conversation about the loss of her entire house. The fact that she heard the sirens going off but it was quite 'little boy cries wolf'. The fact that the sound was coming from a different direction this time than the usual train on the other side of the house. The fact that she and her husband got into the bathroom, she in the tub, and that they didn't have time to get the dog. Within seconds, they were soaked, walls were torn down, but the drywall above their heads just somehow managed to stay in tact. Pauline brought tears to my eyes, and I told her I was coming around the table to hug her. We held each other in tears. She was so grateful for our service and knew the Lord kept her, her husband, and the dog safe. Upon leaving, I sought to give her one last hug. Deep in my heart, I didn't want to see her go. I remember that I kept saying over and over again, "Be safe" as I typically say to people leaving my presence. But, this time, it was in a whole new realm. Be safe because I knew what she'd been through and it hurt (sigh) my heart.

Three outfits. I decided to approach another lady who I thought could use some help since we had sorted through much of the female clothing. It was more difficult to find what this lady was looking for. But, indeed some of it was found. After a few more suggestions, she said she was 'good' because she now had three outfits. Three. She knew she was covered until Monday. Then what? I tried to imagine (key word: tried) what it would feel like losing ALL of my stuff, all of my clothing. I then tried to imagine walking into a shelter such as this and attempting to throw outfits together. I think part of me would obviously want to 'look good' but, at that point, would be thankful for whatever. What a sense of vulnerability.

"It's okay." One of the last lady's I encountered was somewhat difficult to understand. I kept holding up pieces of clothing to see if they'd work for her. They either did or they didn't. After making our way through the clothes, I pointed out to her that there were baby diapers, toilet paper, soap, etc. along the other side of the room. I highly encouraged her to go fill up her bag. She repeatedly said, "It's okay" with such humbleness. I was so enthralled but wouldn't let her win. I told her they were there for her, and she smiled one big smile and headed over. I saw her when she was about to walk out and she just said, "Thank you, thank you." She reached her arms out and squeezed me. Humbleness. Thankfulness.

Brokenness is evident. Evident in the loss of shelter, scattered memories, and death.

Yet, God is good. He is evident with the supply of water, the number of neon green shirt volunteers, and those raiding the streets with hard hats. Yes, it's ugly. But, more than that, it's beautiful because this brokenness is, and I can guarantee it, enabling people to sprint to him, to turn to no one else, and most of all, to see that he is indeed faithful in the midst.

Luke 6.31

Tonight I was discussing Jesus with some of my youth over smoothies and water. We were discussing unconditional love, what that could possibly look like, and we were soon on the topic of loving our enemies. This soon turned into mentally blocking out one person we each individually have a hard time loving (let's be honest. we all have that person, er, persons). 

Then it hit me. I am THAT person for SOMEONE. Someone, somewhere is sitting around a table, drinking a smoothie, picturing my face when "loving your enemies" comes to surface. Boom. 

The law is summed up in one command: to love. God and neighbor. If God is love, which 1 John tells us to be true, then in order to know how to love, we have to know God. In order to know how to love BETTER, we have to know God better. With this comes strife to love my enemies. And by God, I pray that they are striving to love me. Not the person I see as my enemy, but the person who sees me as theirs. 

...and Love comes from God. 

selfishness.

Upon writing the title of this blog, I realized that many of my recent posts have negative connotations. Indeed they do. But, there's learning throughout each one, sending me through a process of refining.

At the base of my selfishness is pride. I haven't given God the time of day lately. I've been turning to him when it's convenient for me, when I have time to slip him in the gaps, when I need him most. Key word: need. Not want. But, I want to want him.


I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15).


There are things I want to hold on to. Things that I don't want to give up. Things I want to have full control over. That's me being selfish. Not wanting to loose the chains and give them to God. I desire to give up myself and my own expectations of success. Just like it's easy to love in tongue and no action, it's easy to verbalize that I've given myself up and not actually acted on it. This is difficult because its such a conscious process. I have to tell myself every single day that I want God to have all of my worry, all of my doubt.

Then, I have to act on this by conversation with God. "When men pray, they have ceased to know themselves, and know only God whom they call upon." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer). Abiding in him, remaining in him, running to him, soaking myself, my brain with thoughts of him through his Word is what sustains. This running toward him only happens when I let go of myself. When I let go of what is holding me back, holding me from him.

I've been jogging. I'm ready to sprint.

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Oh hey Martin Luther. Yep, it's true.

judgment.

If you care too much or at all (?) what people think, isn't that making them your god? It gives them a sense of judgment over you. Not by their choosing but by your force. Placing judgment in their hands. Placing them before the heavenly Father. If we walk around always wondering what other people are thinking about us, trying to please them, we habitually begin to place them on priority.

Even though I highly fail at this, it is my desire to please God alone. Sure, I could please fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who strive to do the same, but honestly, they're gonna fail just as much as myself. So, no, I don't want to please them. Again, I think thats what it means to truly keep God first. It's his standards I wanna live by. Not man's. God is the author of the ultimate "rule book" (Deut. 6:18, 1 John 5:3). Everyone else doesn't abide by it or even hold it in high regard. Thus, we make men idols when we try to live by their standards. When we try to meet their worldly, godless, empty, temporal expectations. Face it. We're sinners. Each and every one of us.

Whoa. In reverse, I think I understand better what it means when God tells us not to judge someone. We are, in a roundabout ugly way, attempting to make ourselves Jesus. We make ourselves their god. We have absolutely no basis or ground on which to stand in such regard. Jesus is the judge. Let's leave that up to him. Let's just strive to love people. That's what he asks of us. To love. It's all summed up in that one command.

unconditional love?

Unconditional love. People tell me we are not capable...not as sinful beings. I think that's a lousy excuse, a ploy. Unconditional love in perfection of it's definition is definitely not possible. We have the God-given ability, however, to strive to love like Christ.

Tonight I experienced this love. I experienced it because God abled it. I didn't plan on it or even be expected to be given the opportunity. Never in a million years. The opportunity for HIM to radiate. Not myself.

I'm beginning to understand what this, unconditional love, means. I have it, first of all, in the example of my Father. I am unable to love like he loves but following close enough in his shadow gives me desire. It means looking past absolutely any and all flaws imaginable to accept someone. It means looking past what makes you feel uncomfortable to reach out to someone. It means moving forward from any vice that may be tempting to pull you backward. It means choosing to ignore any skewed perceptions of someone to hear them out. It means walking with them, in their shoes, to show that you 'get it' even if it makes you an outcast.

Unconditional love is just that. Unconditional. It has no restrictions, no expectations. It has no judgment, no basis for reasoning. It has no need for evidence or investigation. It loves without question.

....and God is love.

failure.

I'm a failure. I own the fact that I'm a failure. I mean....I fail at owning that I'm a failure..but I'm getting better at it. I'm not just typing these words in hopes that they seep in and I come to believe them. I'm just a failure. plain and simple. failure, sinner...same diff.

I was watching a movie today starring Chris Brown.....beforehand listening to John Mayer. To the public eye, even to myself a couple of months ago, they were slash are scum. These two men have been magnified for their imperfections (forget about the fact that they probably had to work their rear ends off to get to where they are today?). If you don't know why, don't worry about it. (Seriously, don't google the gossipy nonsense. Let it go.) Just know that they messed up pretty 'big time'. Here's the thing. These mess-ups don't define them. Mess-ups don't define us. They don't shape our entire being. The falsely created labels that society and nasty people throw on our foreheads for one mistake are only attempts for them to feel better about themselves.

Today I was able to beautifully reflect on the fact that I thought these two dudes used to be scum. Not anymore. Why? Because we all mess up. Me seeing them as scum only means that I see myself as perfect and am ignorant to my own sin. Instead, it's as if I was able to look at them and have a deep urge to want to walk with them. I want to say it's okay. Maybe this is me wishing someone would say that to me.

With that failure, comes grace. Grace that is only truly heartfelt and not monotonically preached when it is legitimately experienced. Maybe by an individual. Maybe by God. But only from that individual because of God. There's no way to know what grace looks like unless you've been broken in the deepest of valleys. So what do I pray for? I pray for brokenness in order to understand and attempt to comprehend what that word really means and how it really feels from a dude named Jesus.

ps...I thoroughly enjoy listening to John so much more now that I'm not bitter toward him.

Where's the line?

There's always that gray area....that blurred line.

I know this: Ya gotta recognize that sin before you can recognize that Savior!

Here's my gray area: being loving & Christlike VS. standing up for myself & not getting walked all over.

It seems as though this goes hand in hand with being a people pleaser. It seems to me as if that phrase can have both good & bad connotations. Good because you'd rather just go with the flow, push yourself to the side, and simply please others before yourself. Bad because you lose sight of what you truly believe, no longer have a voice, and become controlled by people.

As children of the Father, we're called to love others as Christ loves us. Yes, we fail, but we're still supposed to strive. Thus, God gives us the ability to love people through their sin just like they're given the ability to love us through our sin.

But, does attempting to unconditionally love a person, despite their flaws, at some point come to cease? Maybe that ceasing occurs when they are too proud to realize they're in the wrong, are blind to their sin, and surely aren't sorry for it. One person is poured out until run dry. The other is overflowing. They want to be showered in love and grace, not recognizing they have a legitimate need for it.

When I think of standing up for myself and not caring what other people think, I ask myself if this is possible in love. I think it is. It's not meant to sound selfish or disregard other peoples' feelings. It's about knowing just where that line is, where you know you can no longer sacrifice your total well-being for another who is not willing to even attempt to love you back.

But, when "those people" do legitimately care, they'll want to see your side of it, want to respect you for having an opinion. Love is a two way street (three if you include that dude named Jesus). If they see their own sin, see where they're in the wrong, where they've been hurtful, they're going to naturally want to come running back in eagerness to mend those wounds back together.

exposure.

I never thought I would enjoy, for lack of a better term, my sins being exposed? Maybe not so much enjoy, but feel peaceful about.

I'm seeing more and more the sinner that I am. I've been told my whole life that I am, will confess that publicly on Sunday mornings, and ask to be forgiven. But, again, again, again, I'm experiencing it. The beauty of it? It only displays God's stinkin' glory more and more and more. When you're able to step back, basically say 'I suck', and not see yourself on a totem pole anymore, God is magnified. Less of you, more of him.

I think there are two types of sinners. Those who recognize their sin and seek repentance AND those who simply sin. When we don't seek repentance, there is one thing in the way: pride. Someone tries to tell us we've messed up: no I haven't. Someone tries to point out our insecurities: no I'm not. Someone tries to specify our mistake: no I didn't. (We always know in our heart of hearts that they're right, ps.)

I'm insecure on many levels. I'm working on my insecurity in my sin. Insecurity that is slowly being lifted the more and more I'm exposed. It's sinful of me to be blind to my sin. If I try to put on a facade, push my sin into the shadow, I'm not only fooling myself. I'm fooling every stinkin' person in my midst.

I intensely yearn for truth.

Exposure does many things. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me kick myself in the rear end because I've probably, actually, most definitely, hurt those I love. Truth freakin hurts. Cliche? Of course. It makes me reevaluate, maybe analyze too much? But, most importantly, it shows me where I've screwed over other people, myself, and mainly my God. This, my friends, is what makes me feel sorry for what I've done. Its impossible to feel sorry if it's hidden in the darkness. Then, I have no other desire than to rest, lay, be held tightly in the palm of my Father's hand.

Exposure. It's necessary.

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds corrections gain understanding. The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor. (Proverbs 15:31-33).


Bottom line: tell me I'm a sinner, tell me when I sin, tell me how I sin, and maybe even point me to the cross when I'm stubborn enough to not believe you.

twisted.

I'm coming to strong terms with the fact that the Bible is way too stinkin' twisted. By us. humans.

God's Word is straight up. It's truth. It's legitimate. It's accurate.

Why do we magnify certain passages and blur others? We find a passage that isn't convicting, makes us feel comfortable because we might just be abiding by it, and to us, it shines, while at the same time, we shove those passages that stir up some dissonance to the side. Are we so insecure that what Jesus really has to say to us makes us put our own spin on it, our own 'interpretation' so we can justify our sins? I think so.

A few examples...

Jesus straight up tells us:
"If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."(Matthew 6:15)

"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." (Matthew 10:32-33)

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37)

(In the same regard, I'm not saying to take everything literal such as Mark 9:45 when Jesus says, "If your foot causes you to sin, cut if off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell." Jesus himself used figures of speech to make intriguing points. However, if it were to come down to it, I would rather be footless than hellful.)

There is obviously no doubt about it....that we have a gracious (giving us something we don't deserve), merciful (withholding something we do deserve) God. He is powerful enough to cover all of our sins. And he does. He did. So, for our human selves, it makes sense when such passages make us feel uncomfortable.

I do not bring to light these commands in order to make you feel convicted. I've simply learned that seeing and hearing such truths make us ACT. It makes us see our sin, seek repentance, and go runnin' back to our God of this universe. He's simply using his Word to show us just how legit he is. He's simply  trying to save us some heartache because he knows that when we put people, things, objects, ideas before him, it's just eventually going to screw us up even more than our current state. He's being a Father, a father who disciplines, a father who shows, who is, love.

....for God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him (John 3:17).

crazy?

I'm not fitting in lately. (as if I ever have?)
People think I'm crazy.
They laugh at me.
They roll their eyes.
They try to engrave their worldly logic in my head.

I think crazy is the new normal. Well, my new normal. I'm actually beginning to get a 'high' from it....when people acknowledge that something about me, something about my thoughts is crazy.

I am a stranger to the world and, again, I'm beginning to 'get it'. I'm supposed to be crazy. I'm supposed to seem strange. I'm supposed to be different, peculiar, questionable. I'm not supposed to make sense. I'm not supposed to be comfortable, stagnant. In fact, I refuse. Sure, it may seem a lot easier, but I'm called for something far greater. For risk, for stepping outside the box, for radicalness?

There is a mold that this society has created for a girl like me. I'm supposed to be taking steps to slowly pour myself into that mold. I'm then supposed to be baked at a high temperature and come out with smooth edges and a finished look. What if I'm not supposed to fit that mold? What if I'm the one who creates a new mold? What if I actually listen to my Maker instead of allowing myself to be jabbed at from all angles by humankind?

I'm okay (I think. Yeah, I am.) with not having all the answers. Yes, when answering to people, I get bitter. They want answers. Answers to questions that I don't even have for myself. That's where the crazy comes in. I no longer feel a need to answer to them, to persuade them to 'get it'. I just admit that I am crazy, but that that's where I want to be. There is a unearthly peace in taking the role of an outcast. It almost lifts the pressure when you can come face-to-face with that reality. Face it head on.

My master was rejected, persecuted. It is only obvious that I will, in turn, be rejected, persecuted. But, I'm gonna roll with it. Bring it.



Ps. Thank you D.B. for opening my eyes & E.F. for shedding light.

i'm clay.

Scripture can take on a new meaning when it's really hitting home, when you feel it through your skin, when you really begin to own it because you experience it.


Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay; you are the potter. We are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

I can count on five separate hands plus a few how many times I've heard this verse throughout my life. I always knew it to be true but never really, really got it.

Clay. It's dirty. It has rough spots. It's stubborn and hard to shape. It takes time to form, to get it just right. It can slip right through your fingertips if it's too wet.. too much of one thing.

A potter has full control of that clay. He is it's maker. He can do whatever the heck he wants with it. He can twist it. He can smash it. He can smoothen it. He can stretch it. He can rip it to pieces. He can hold it tight. He can let it get completely dry. He can water it again.

I am that clay, and God is that he. He is the potter.

a 'still' day.

Today was a day that doesn't happen very often. (coincidence that Van Morrison's 'days like this' just shuffled on?)

Dishes piled in the sink.
Hairballs (no, I don't own a cat) on the floor.
Blankets thrown & unfolded.
Laundry dried & getting wrinkled.
Hamper overflowing.
Crumbs on the counter.
Mail scattered on the coffee table.

This list was supposed to be tackled today. Key word: supposed.

Cue first day of spring. I got an invite to lay out in the sun, on the grass, maybe read a good book. I declined, saying I "gots s*** to get together". Minutes later, I realized just how petty this list seemed in comparison to some legit Vitamin D & some good company.

So, I did just that. In the midst of my 'stillness', I grabbed for my ipod. Moments into the first song I realized that what I had been longing for, some quiet time, my brain turned off, was being satisfied without that music. It was being satisfied with the sweet chirp of birdies, the pitter-patter of feet running behind me, the mumbling of kids playing nearby, the sweeping of the wind through the trees.

I don't often turn my brain off as much as I wish I would, as much as I wish I could. It's always goin'. Thinking of what needs to be done next, who needs to be contacted, and what the next hour will bring. Let's be straight. Sometimes thinking is just not fun. Too many of my random thoughts just freak me out and stir up crap inside of me that's no need to be worried about. It's refreshing to step outside your brain, to put life on hold, and to see the big picture by soaking up the small moments. Enjoying the little blessings and being 'still' in them helps this girl refocus.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

Ps...I'll have you know that that list was indeed tackled. Tackled because I found joy in a bunch of random small moments.

one person, one world

I think we've probably all heard the saying:

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.


Remember that one time (a few days ago) in which I said I wanted to change the world? Well, here's the deal. I don't think I have the power or voice to make that happen. When I say this, I picture myself standing on top of the Sears Tower with a megaphone. That's what people think of when 'changing the world' comes to mind. We think we have to have money or fame to make that happen.

Here's how I think we should go about changing this world y'all. I think it takes one person at a time. That person is changed/molded/shaped, and he/she then spreads this 'contagious disease' to one more person. When I stand in front of a crowd and speak, I sometimes walk away feeling unfulfilled, not knowing if I reached everybody, not getting the vibe that they 'got it'. But, you know what? I'm slowly becoming content if one, just one, person walks away with a challenge, walks away feeling moved.

We are Jesus' world. We are his everything. If he sees us in such a way, he challenges us to see others in such a way. If I want to change the world, I'm going to start with just one. One person. Because they are my world.

I can only plant seeds...

challenged.

Because I'm tired of hearing myself think about the same things over and over again, this is my attempt to enable some of these thoughts to escape. To be heard.

At school, I was told the importance, on many occasions, of lifelong learning. I was very diligent in affirming that I would indeed always do just that. Sure, I would attend conferences relating to my field of work. Sure, I would stay up-to-date on the 'latest' in order to better attend to people's needs. Sure, I would read book after book in order to further my intellect on a variety of topics.

Now, however, I am, once again, experiencing this for myself.

When we, as human beings, as students, as professionals, are challenged, something inside of us awakens and yearns. Yearns for more, for deeper, for clarification. We step outside of ourselves, taking on the mindset of another being, another idea that, previously, we hadn't given the chance to present itself to us. Light is shed, truth is clarified or questioned.

I'm being challenged right now. Some days, I love it. Other days, I dread it. It's not always a great feeling to think that you have it together, you know what's up, and for that to get punctured. It makes it harder to stand your ground, solidify questions with answers, and to be one who is looked up to. On the otherhand, challenge, as much dissonance that it sure causes, brings about clarity. And clarity, my friends, feels solid. It feels as if puzzle pieces begin to come together, the shoe starts to fit, and the shaking ground underneath slowly comes to a halt.

We don't challenge ourselves enough, and we sure as heck don't allow others to challenge us enough. Stepping outside our box, stripping ourselves from the comfortable, that's what brings about rejuvenation.

viewpoint(s)

{divisions} They're super apparent to me right now. To the point of cringing, absolute bitterness, and wanting to shut down.

The divisions exist because of various viewpoints. Yes, by all means, lets each stick to our beliefs, have a voice. But, this is where the line blurs. So many denominations, so many theologians, so much indoctrination. We believe what we are told as opposed to going straight to the source. 

Every time I drive by a church marquee, I cringe, maybe roll my eyes (heavily). Walking through the Christianity/Theology section of Borders the other day almost dropped me to my knees with a desire to vomit. So many stinkin' people think they've got it right. This is how you live a happy life. This is how you achieve your dreams. This is how God wants you to act. This is how you discover who you are. This is how to live for Christ. This is a seven step process that is guaranteed to work. Who's to say who is right and who is wrong, because, by God, someone has to be! (I even ponder on my own thoughts on this blog. They are simply my feelings and what appears to be revealed to me. In no way do I hold these thoughts in high regard by how people should live, act, think.)

I imagine God sitting (up in heaven?) looking in our midst. He is fully aware that he's sent his Word, he knows it's every single word because they are his words!! So, he knows when we're off or if we actually get it. He doesn't give us all the answers because we're not him. Duh.

It comes down to experience, feeling it, owning it, discovering it. We can chose to believe the in's and out's of what we've been taught. It will only change when we, ourselves, have discovered and felt truth in a different light. On our own. Truth that molds us and stinkin changes us to the core.

*next random thought*

This weekend my mom and I went to a 'hole-in-the-wall' cafe, and I loved it just for that reason. It wasn't typical. It was different. It had a style of it's own, people of it's own, a location of it's own, and food of it's own. When comparing it to your typical chain-pre-cooked-thawed-out-call-ahead restaurants, there is no comparison. It felt like home. It felt warm and welcoming. 

I left with a sense of peace. I left contrasting it to today's church. I long for, as I'm sure many people do, something that typical American Christianity doesn't offer. The church is like a chain restaurant. We go when it's convenient for us, we 'call ahead' because we want to be seated and 'fed'. We arrive, we get served, we eat, we leave.....until next time. 

We are complacent with how this whole system operates. It has become a norm. Who, anyway, says what should be? And who are we to go by these standards? 

I want to change the world. I want to change the way people view Jesus, his grace, & discipleship. I have such a small voice and am not a fan of convincing people anyway. But, you better believe I'm prayin' about some serious change. Change that will set people on fire. And all for the right reasons. 

Jesus' viewpoint. Let's let that be our viewpoint.

truth in love.

If I were asked to describe myself, select words come to mind, a few of them sticking out clearly.
Unique, transparent, confrontational, truthful.

First of all, let me just say that I'm a fool.

Lately, I question my authenticity. When comparing myself to others (which, ps, I'm also trying to consciously put a hault to), I tend to think that I'm pretty much myself regardless of person or situation, don't care about what others think (in the self-confident kind of way, not the I'm-better-than-you kind of way), and say what's on my mind (aka...no filter). Overall, I fool myself into believing that I'm not hiding behind my insecurities when, in reality, they exist in multitudes.

Because I want people to know that I know what they're about to feel when I speak abnormally, I preface. I warn them of what's about to be said. I see it as 'walking in their shoes' when, again, in reality, I care so much about what they will think that I can't just simply speak my mind without knowing/thinking/feeling/glimpsing into their mind in the same regard.

I long for authenticity. I want it for myself and I want it for those around me. Heck, I want it from people. I can't think of a better quality to possess. Why are we not real? Why do we not dig deep, pushing surface level crap to the side? Why do we not let anyone, even our dearest loved ones, in on our insecurities? We hide and try to prove to ourselves, in our own minds, even to the point of arguing that we are revealed. If I'm hiding, I sure as heck know the person next to me is hiding. And the person next to him. Why do we allow people or situations to shape us into something we know we're not? We'll just 'let it slide' because we care too much about our own pride for anyone to ever think we might actually have a legitimate say that is different.

Revealing our true colors, consciously allowing ourselves, is what it's all about. Regardless of person, place, situation, or circumstance. I don't doubt for a second that there is absolutely nothing that is in the darkness, not yet in the light, that is healthy. Heck, if you're thinkin' it, you may as well say it. It will save a heck of a lot of time, heartache, and most importantly, misperceptions.

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ" (Ephesians 4:15).

Key phrase: in love.

Going hand in hand with truth, is love. Let's be realistic in saying that we can't just walk around spitting out every thought that comes to mind. We're human, sinful, and always falling short, extremely full of deceit, malice, and ignorance. There is a way to deliver, to be authentic, without being all of the above.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32).

There must be a level of accountability, a balance between truth and love. Too much truth, not enough love. Too much love, not enough truth. We have to know who we are in Christ, who he has made us to be, who we strive to be, and act out of love. Why?

.we are because Jesus was.

speak to me.

When someone speaks, in order to truly hear, one must listen.

You can hear a stranger. To really listen to a person, it seems as though he/she must be known. More than surface level. It goes deeper. To listen to someone means to know what's going on on the inside. To listen is to be intentional. However, to hear happens whether or not it is desired.

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me" (John 10:27).

I have found answers and I've quit listening. It's as though I listened for so long that when he did make things clear I decided I'd had enough. I'd given him enough of my time. It was deep, intentional, and way beyond some surface level relationship. Then I resorted to hearing. If, at this point in time, my questions hadn't been answered, you'd better believe I'd still be listening. But, I'm not. I gave up on him, not him on me.

This is me wanting to listen, to be spoken to. I don't want to just hear God's Word. Yes, there is power in that. But, the difference is wanting to be intentional. Intentional with listening to my Father. It's not enough for me to just hear it. That is not me wanting it.

I desire so badly for him to speak to me. And I have no doubt that he will. Its up to me to listen. Intentionally.

And you know what is sparking this sudden desire? I.need.answers.

unresponsive.

I really love tearin' apart a word. This one, unresponsive, is as follows:

-not reacting or responding to an action

A good friend has really opened my eyes lately to myself being nothing & God being stinkin' everything. Again, I fail. Yes, God is not in physical, human form. But, I sure am ignoring his 'actions' all around me. Maybe not ignoring because I see them existing, but not acting on giving credit where credit is due.


In my attempt to 'respond' to his legitness (if that's not a word, it is now), here are some of his recent moments:

my afternoon sun
meeting and befriending a complete stranger
an affirming text from a far away friend(s)
genuine conversations over coffee and scones
a teen opening up and sharing his story
loving hunger
listening, supportive parents
true colors being shown
a brother who can just 'drop by'
a friend walking in my exact shoes
learning the name of a front desk employee
picture messages of 'my' babies
2 1/2 hour long skype video chats


I sit here and think of some recent sucky moments. For some reason, I'm surprised when I loathe in them. But, it is they that I very much deserve. However, these Jesus moments, these little tiny moments that God is so graciously pouring out to me, they are the ones in which I should be surprised, in which I should be thankful. It's these moments that are so undeserving. But, because God is so good, he throws them in my face for me to experience with the hope that I give him credit.

God has me. I can't give my life to him because it's already his.
But, I can want God. I can have a say in how much I want to have him. That's where there is a difference.

I long to respond to his greatness. I'm tired of slacking, tired of getting away with cheap grace. I take advantage of the fact that I'm so easily forgiven. I want my life to be consumed by this man. I want to keep seeing him around me, keep giving him all of the glory that is so much already his. He's just letting me in on it. That, my friends, is why he's so legit.

wonder.

I remember sitting in a class last year during the second or third week of school. This class met only once a week so it was still fairly new to everyone. The professor asked all us of to give a brief testimony of our lives, how we got to where we are today. Most of these classmates I 'knew'. We all had the same major so we'd been in community before. But, this little project completely, honestly changed my view of people. It will forever be engrained in my little brain. I remember going around the room, person to person, each sharing what he/she felt comfortable sharing. Key word: comfortable. But, all walls came tumbling down. People didn't hold back. They didn't let fear keep them from being transparent. One by one the stories kept flowing, the tears started falling. These people that I 'knew' had been completely shaken at some point in their lives. I didn't even feel worthy to share what was on my heart because it didn't even compare to some of the issues they'd dealt with. I hadn't previously given many of them a chance, hadn't taken legitimate time to get to know them, their pasts. Boy did this widen my eyes. I saw each of them in a different light. There was, all of a sudden, an urge to be sensitive. These were people who had been physically and sexually abused my family members. People whose hearts had been broken and betrayed by the ones they loved. People who thought their lives were heading one direction only to be completely turned upside down headed the wrong way.

Today I sit in a coffee shop. I have a pretty good view of everyone loathing in this place. In their own little worlds. Some of them surrounded by company, others by themselves. I picture little speech bubbles around each of their heads, full of thoughts inside of them longing to be poured out. Thoughts that are coming out of the guy who is in conversation with what appears to be a business partner. Thoughts that are different from the words that are coming out. Two girls sitting across from each other who appear to be good friends. Is there ever a sense of deep, inner competition between them stemmed from their own insecurities? Each of these people appearing as if they are doing quite well for themselves. None of them appear to be suffering. None of them appear to be broken or lonely. Keep word: appear. The outside sure provides for misperception.


I pray for these people. For each of their individual lives. I wonder what is going on but God sure doesn't. He knows full well. He knows what they need, what satisfies.

I leave you as I smile for the friendly pat on the shoulder that the sweet guy with down syndrome just placed on a regular customer. God is good!

authentic.

{Ps....this is me stepping onto my soapbox}

Crazy Love. Francis Chan. 

I'm about to dig in, and the back cover is already enough for me to know how well this guy and I are gonna connect. 

Like Francis, I'm so tired of this typical Christianity norm. You know what I'm talking about. The way our society views religion. What makes it a norm? The fact that we think that going to church is enough? The fact that we have our Bibles sitting on our dressers {dust collected may I add}? The fact that every now and then we'll 'perform a good deed' not because we are trying to genuinely serve but because we want some sick, extrinsic reward? What makes it a norm to give our money, throw it in the plate, but not give our time? Why do we go to church anyway? To give others the pleasure of seeing us there or to really be in community with others before our God? Why and when did this become the norm? To be lukewarm Christians? At what point did Jesus' followers say, "We're just gonna sit back, screw our relationship with him, and just get by"? Cheap grace my friends. 

I think of people in other countries who fight for their lives to have these privileges. Fight to the death because its worth it to them. They can't even have church buildings, places in general where they can meet together to tear down each others walls and build each other up. They can't even carry a Bible. We so take it for granted. I think we feel forced. Forced into tradition. Goofy memorization. Repetitive song lyrics. Pushing the relationship with Jesus to the side. On the back burner. But why? Who says it has to stay this way? 

Because God, yeah he definitely wants it to change. 

I ask all of these crazy questions not because I want to force a relationship with Jesus on anyone but because my heart literally hurts; it aches. I see broken, torn people and the shattered world in which we live. I see this in the church and I see this outside of the church. Jesus is out of reach to them. They find their Father on Sunday. They are orphans the rest of the week. Orphans who think their Father has abandoned them when in fact its the other way around. 

We just aren't soaking up what God has to offer! We aren't owning what he tells us about himself. God sent his Son to die on the cross. Yep. God forgives all of our sins. Yep. God's grace will get us that eternal life. Yep. Really? That's our only response? We take into account what our ears want to hear, what our eyes want to see. We pull God into our picture when we've lost direction, when its convenient for us. 

Here's the thing.  

God's love is authentic. A relationship with him is authentic. Real. Raw. Walls torn down. Open. Honest. True colors. Dependable. Legit. And last but not least....realistic. Not fake, not bogus. Those weird lookin' people who may throw their hands up in the air while singin to Jesus, who may cry when they're praying. Did you ever stop to think that they may be feelin God, feelin his love, feelin his grace, and experiencing a desire to just be closer?

All I know is this...If I could only meet my Jesus on Sundays, I'd feel like a dang orphan too. 

Writing about what to write about.

I sit here snowed in longing to post on my blog.
Beware: this is gonna be a short one.

Today, I don't have any examples or stories. Sure, it could be because I'm trapped in my apartment, but I choose to disagree. I've been scrounging my brain. What I typically write about is seeing what God is doing around me, what he is teaching me, and what I'm going through with him. And I've come to one strong realization. A slap in the face. A few solid days of not being in the Word takes my focus off Jesus.

Being in the Word makes me constantly think about him, put others before myself, and see him around me in people, places, and moments. Having an active, living relationship with God means that I spend time with him.

Spending a lot of time with a friend rubs off on me. We acquire the same sayings, are able to finish one another's sentences, develop many similar thoughts, and come to treat people with the same regard. In quite the same fashion, I read what God is like and it rubs off on me. I read how he treats others, and I strive to do the same. I read what he commands of me, all being for my best interest, and, again, I strive to follow. And last, but most certainly not least, I read of his love for me, the grace he bestows upon me and am able to face this crazy, shattered world grasped in the hands of my Father.

Time for me to go spend some time with my Jesus.

Dreams, God goggles, and Vana

I have a dream......but I don't know what it is.

Yep, that makes one feel a lack of direction.

This weekend I was surrounded by thousands of teen girls, many of whom know what their dreams look like. Ya know, wanting to be the first female president. Wanting to be an actress. Wanting to be a teacher. I don't know where I'm going or what I will be doing in the very near future, but I do know that I'm feeling nudged by God and that's a pretty legit feeling. I can think of random things that would be pretty sweet in regards to just building relationships with strangers and tellin people about Jesus but then I get concerned with money and how that would happen and where I would start etc., etc. But, ya know what, that's me limiting my God. That's me saying, "Lord, despite me feeling a nudge from you and the fact that you are doing some crazy things in my life, I doubt you. I don't think you can do it." But, I am SO wrong.


I've been praying for people and resources and clarity and that's exactly what God's been giving me. He is giving me all these things that enable me to see how he is able to work and how he is working. My new friend, Miss Grace Knuth, recently opened her precious self to me! I would have to say that she was the beginning of this little adventure in which God strapped some goggles onto my eyes. Slowly seeing the world as he sees it. Grace opened me into her home. It's what I would call a community house in which God has basically brought together a bunch of random people from a bunch of random backgrounds into one single house. I met a father who has sacrificed so much in order to adopt just one more baby. Material things don't matter to him or his wife. Providing a home for a little baby in so much need is what matters. It's the way people, just like myself, are able to see Jesus through him, through Grace. She showed me what it looks like to be living a life in which one's sole purpose is to build community through and in Jesus Christ. Loving on people because He first loved us. Welcoming all kinds of people in because Christ first welcomed sinners. Sacrificing temporary, earthly gains because God first sacrificed his Son.


Part of this nudge and part of these goggles took another step. I decided, well, God decided, that I should  make a small difference in the life of a little 11-year-old girl named Vana halfway across the world. I am now sponsoring her through World Vision. Even though money is tight, its a heck of a lot tighter for Vana and her family. I go to Starbucks on a weekly occasion. I buy clothes that I don't need when I already have a walk-in closet that doesn't quite fit what I already have. I throw a solid three course meal on my plate on a regular occasion at the local restaurant for a pretty penny. So, this is me trying to not be so selfish. She's a real person with real needs. I'm so stinkin excited to hear from her! She can write me letters, and I can indeed write her back. It's not much, but it's something. She is precious, and my heart longs to meet that little girl already!


None of this is on my own. God is molding me and forming me into what he so desires, and I'm just along for the ride! "Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord'" (1 Corinthians 1:31). 

want vs. need

God doesn't need us. He wants us.
We don't want him. We need him.

Ponder that for a moment.

God doesn't need us. He wants us.
We don't want him. We need him.

Lately, I've been wrestling with my thoughts on my God being a jealous God wanting me, my time, a relationship with me and being a God who is already complete not necessarily needing me to give him anything.

Strong Enough to Save

Watching this video, courtesy of Mike from Tenth Avenue North, made it clear to me.


While yes, he is indeed High and Almighty, I just cannot picture my God sitting on a high horse wishing that the number one focus of his children be to only give him praise and glory. As if that were the sole purpose of his existence. That we tell him over and over again how much of our God he is. That he needs us, can't function without that being checked off the list.

"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else" (Acts 17:25).

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" (Romans 9:20).

I just asked one of my friends the other day, "Do you think God knows how legit he is?". Of course he does, he's God. Without undermining any of God's glory, bottom line is....he doesn't need us. He is still God, still holy, still powerful, still the Truth, still the Life. We don't make him be any of this. He's got it down pat all on his own. That's the beauty of our God.

On the contrary, though, God desperately wants us. He is indeed a jealous God (Exodus 20:5, Deuteronomy 4:24, Joshua 24:19). He wants a relationship with us, he wants our time, he wants us running to him. He wants to be the most important person in our life....more important than mom, dad, brother, or sister (Matthew 10:37). When we push him away, it hurts him. Since he was fully human, he knows what it's like to have his feelings hurt. To cry. He loves us so stinkin much that of course he wants to spend time with us.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me" (Revelation 3:20).

"But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone. In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers" (Hebrews 2:9-11).

More than any earthly father could ever want his child. He wants me. He wants you. Desperately.


ps...I encourage, highly encourage you to watch some of Tenth Avenue North's other 'video journals'...they've got their doctrine DOWN!

exhausted

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. And even spiritually.

I'm tired of being strong. Tired of telling myself that God has a plan, that he knows what he's doing. Hasn't he given me enough? Isn't my time of suffering ready to come to completion? I don't have it all together but I like to think that I do. I know that God is in control, but I don't always feel that he is in control. I let Satan come in and take over my thoughts. He gets me to doubt God, to second guess him, and to push him away.  He makes me tired...exhausted. 

All throughout my life I've gone through seasons of being 'close' to God and being 'far' from God. Hot or cold. I'm either diligent in my Jesus time or its completely non-existant. Why? Good question. I've been so diligent in it lately because, as previously stated, of my suffering. No, not the kind of suffering in which I've lost a family member or close friend. It's not what the world sees as extreme suffering. Its the kind of suffering in which the words lonely, confused, desperate, uncertain, lack of purpose, and exhausted are so prevalent. Its a kind of suffering that I've never experienced before. Its different than being betrayed by a friend. Different than investing in a guy and not having those feelings reciprocated. Its a suffering that boils down to isolation. 

Leaning on God. I get what that means now. I get it. There's time when I don't want to. Not in the mood. Would rather watch 7 episodes of Modern Family (in a row) because I want to escape the life of Mindy; I want to escape into a fictional, script-written world. But, again, I know I'm going through all of this crap for just that reason. To lean on God. If things were fine and dandy, I know that I would be sitting on my couch right now watching some early afternoon talk show, not coming into contact with all these mixed emotions. Instead, I am taken over by what I know satisfies....Jesus. 

So, in the midst of my exhaustion and my lousy mood toward what God is teaching me, I can say that he is faithful. What's so legit about God is the fact that I can come to him complaining, moaning, and just upset knowing that he will hear me out. Knowing that this is the relationship he wants with me. He wants my joys and my pains. He wants all of me. He doesn't just want me in my suffering. That's something HUGE that I'm actually, finally realizing. I do tend to ignore him when my life is right-side up. But, this constant time spent with him has fulfilled me, and I think I know that, when the sun starts to shine, I'll honestly be able to whip out my Bible because I want to, because I still yearn for a relationship with him to praise him, to thank him, and not just to moan at him. 

10 things.

A loving church family.
Truth.
Quiet Time.
Suffering.
Friends.
Family.
Uncertainty.
New Friendships.
Being Understood.
Good Team.

Last night at a Bible Study I was asked to write down a list of what I'm thankful for. After some discussion and hearing a few people name some of their 'thankfuls', I realized that mine was definitely not typical. Sure, some of the things on this list would be expected...loving church family, family, friends.

But, it then dawned on me how much God is working in my life. He always has and he always will, but its just so apparent here lately. And, its because of this list. Its because of quiet time, its because of suffering, its because of uncertainty.

Tonight when I was having my Jesus time, I asked some of my closest friends for their prayer requests. In the midst of writing, I thanked the Lord for the suffering of one of them. I thanked him because I knew that it would enable her to trust in him. When else would he prove his glory more? Not when things were going perfect, but when he presented her with a time in which she really needed to lean on him and know that he would take care of it. He always does.

Uncertainty. Me and this word have a love-hate relationship. I love it because its so dang exciting. I hate it because its so dang scary. There's a thrill in knowing that I trust God to shove something in my face. To show me what he wants, when he wants. To lead me to it, to make it clear, and for him to follow through. There's a sense of defeat when I think of my human self. My flesh. My ability to doubt that God will follow through. That he will leave me stranded. That I will be lost, not knowing where to go. But, that's exactly it. My human self is not able to make sense of what God is doing/ will do in the near future. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, not thought through, not logical. God sees the big picture, though, and it makes sense to him. He cannot be limited or contained. He can work in ways that are bigger than me, bigger than my goofy plans for my temporary life. He can choose to take me into valleys, onto mountains, around twists, around turns.

In the meantime, I will keep making lists. Lists of my thankfuls.

~never ceasing

I just don't know how he does it. I mean, obviously. He's God, I'm not.

I woke up this morning in fear, not wanting to face the day, laying in bed just a little bit longer than snoozing past the normal seven alarms. Yes, I'm serious. It was a day where I would be in the spotlight and not for a 'good' reason. I would be frowned upon, misunderstood, and most of all, doubted. Sucky, sucky feeling. A day where it wouldn't be uncommon to feel like the whole world was plotting war. Sure, let me just pry myself outta bed and run out my front door. Or not.

Prayer is/has taken an extra priority lately, and let me just say that this girl, well, she can tell. I don't think it would have been possible for me to have talked to Jesus any more about this day. He knew what was up, and he knew what I was feeling. Not to mention, I had a pretty hefty supply of people talking to Jesus for me as well.

Today, of all days, was a day where love was so apparent. Not only God's love for me, but love from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Love from people when I least expected it. Love when I know I was the cause of hurt, of anger, of confusion.

But, in the midst, Jesus showed me that I was chillin in his hand the whole dang time. He had my back, and he knew who he needed to send to love on me, when he needed to send them. He made himself so known today, so clear. I was loved on, supported, hugged times a thousand, empathized with, prayed for, encouraged, proud of, and loved on some more. I was....in shock.

How lame and human of me to doubt my God like I did when I woke up this morning. He flipped my day completely right-side up. A total one-eighty.

My God....he never ceases to amaze me. again.

shoeless.

I visited my family's church this weekend. When I was sitting in the pews, waiting my turn for Communion, something caught my eye. Something that wouldn't typically be seen in the middle of a church service. The organist walked up front in her socks. No shoes. In front of the whole congregation. For a split second, maybe less than a split second, I thought to myself, "Hmm that's weird. You'd think she would have taken time to put her shoes back on for Communion." Then, it hit me.

She was walking to her Father's table. Comfortable. Relaxed. Just a little bit more herself. Approaching him knowing that she was still welcome. Knowing that he welcomes his children no matter their outfit, their size, their mood, their mess-ups. Shoes or no shoes.

God doesn't see us like the world sees us. He looks on the inside, at the heart, at what matters.

I know I feel most myself when I'm stripped of everything that this world tells me makes me look better. When I'm with people that I love. When I know that I'm accepted despite what I look like or what my attitude happens to be that day. When I can be goofy and strange and not have to filter what comes out of my mouth. When I'm me.

We can go to our Father in the exact same way. We can go to him completely raw, completely ourselves. Remember, he is a personal God. On our level.

We can go to him shoeless.

Ps.....I'm gonna pray for a shoeless Communion...one day.