exhausted

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. And even spiritually.

I'm tired of being strong. Tired of telling myself that God has a plan, that he knows what he's doing. Hasn't he given me enough? Isn't my time of suffering ready to come to completion? I don't have it all together but I like to think that I do. I know that God is in control, but I don't always feel that he is in control. I let Satan come in and take over my thoughts. He gets me to doubt God, to second guess him, and to push him away.  He makes me tired...exhausted. 

All throughout my life I've gone through seasons of being 'close' to God and being 'far' from God. Hot or cold. I'm either diligent in my Jesus time or its completely non-existant. Why? Good question. I've been so diligent in it lately because, as previously stated, of my suffering. No, not the kind of suffering in which I've lost a family member or close friend. It's not what the world sees as extreme suffering. Its the kind of suffering in which the words lonely, confused, desperate, uncertain, lack of purpose, and exhausted are so prevalent. Its a kind of suffering that I've never experienced before. Its different than being betrayed by a friend. Different than investing in a guy and not having those feelings reciprocated. Its a suffering that boils down to isolation. 

Leaning on God. I get what that means now. I get it. There's time when I don't want to. Not in the mood. Would rather watch 7 episodes of Modern Family (in a row) because I want to escape the life of Mindy; I want to escape into a fictional, script-written world. But, again, I know I'm going through all of this crap for just that reason. To lean on God. If things were fine and dandy, I know that I would be sitting on my couch right now watching some early afternoon talk show, not coming into contact with all these mixed emotions. Instead, I am taken over by what I know satisfies....Jesus. 

So, in the midst of my exhaustion and my lousy mood toward what God is teaching me, I can say that he is faithful. What's so legit about God is the fact that I can come to him complaining, moaning, and just upset knowing that he will hear me out. Knowing that this is the relationship he wants with me. He wants my joys and my pains. He wants all of me. He doesn't just want me in my suffering. That's something HUGE that I'm actually, finally realizing. I do tend to ignore him when my life is right-side up. But, this constant time spent with him has fulfilled me, and I think I know that, when the sun starts to shine, I'll honestly be able to whip out my Bible because I want to, because I still yearn for a relationship with him to praise him, to thank him, and not just to moan at him. 

10 things.

A loving church family.
Truth.
Quiet Time.
Suffering.
Friends.
Family.
Uncertainty.
New Friendships.
Being Understood.
Good Team.

Last night at a Bible Study I was asked to write down a list of what I'm thankful for. After some discussion and hearing a few people name some of their 'thankfuls', I realized that mine was definitely not typical. Sure, some of the things on this list would be expected...loving church family, family, friends.

But, it then dawned on me how much God is working in my life. He always has and he always will, but its just so apparent here lately. And, its because of this list. Its because of quiet time, its because of suffering, its because of uncertainty.

Tonight when I was having my Jesus time, I asked some of my closest friends for their prayer requests. In the midst of writing, I thanked the Lord for the suffering of one of them. I thanked him because I knew that it would enable her to trust in him. When else would he prove his glory more? Not when things were going perfect, but when he presented her with a time in which she really needed to lean on him and know that he would take care of it. He always does.

Uncertainty. Me and this word have a love-hate relationship. I love it because its so dang exciting. I hate it because its so dang scary. There's a thrill in knowing that I trust God to shove something in my face. To show me what he wants, when he wants. To lead me to it, to make it clear, and for him to follow through. There's a sense of defeat when I think of my human self. My flesh. My ability to doubt that God will follow through. That he will leave me stranded. That I will be lost, not knowing where to go. But, that's exactly it. My human self is not able to make sense of what God is doing/ will do in the near future. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, not thought through, not logical. God sees the big picture, though, and it makes sense to him. He cannot be limited or contained. He can work in ways that are bigger than me, bigger than my goofy plans for my temporary life. He can choose to take me into valleys, onto mountains, around twists, around turns.

In the meantime, I will keep making lists. Lists of my thankfuls.

~never ceasing

I just don't know how he does it. I mean, obviously. He's God, I'm not.

I woke up this morning in fear, not wanting to face the day, laying in bed just a little bit longer than snoozing past the normal seven alarms. Yes, I'm serious. It was a day where I would be in the spotlight and not for a 'good' reason. I would be frowned upon, misunderstood, and most of all, doubted. Sucky, sucky feeling. A day where it wouldn't be uncommon to feel like the whole world was plotting war. Sure, let me just pry myself outta bed and run out my front door. Or not.

Prayer is/has taken an extra priority lately, and let me just say that this girl, well, she can tell. I don't think it would have been possible for me to have talked to Jesus any more about this day. He knew what was up, and he knew what I was feeling. Not to mention, I had a pretty hefty supply of people talking to Jesus for me as well.

Today, of all days, was a day where love was so apparent. Not only God's love for me, but love from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Love from people when I least expected it. Love when I know I was the cause of hurt, of anger, of confusion.

But, in the midst, Jesus showed me that I was chillin in his hand the whole dang time. He had my back, and he knew who he needed to send to love on me, when he needed to send them. He made himself so known today, so clear. I was loved on, supported, hugged times a thousand, empathized with, prayed for, encouraged, proud of, and loved on some more. I was....in shock.

How lame and human of me to doubt my God like I did when I woke up this morning. He flipped my day completely right-side up. A total one-eighty.

My God....he never ceases to amaze me. again.

shoeless.

I visited my family's church this weekend. When I was sitting in the pews, waiting my turn for Communion, something caught my eye. Something that wouldn't typically be seen in the middle of a church service. The organist walked up front in her socks. No shoes. In front of the whole congregation. For a split second, maybe less than a split second, I thought to myself, "Hmm that's weird. You'd think she would have taken time to put her shoes back on for Communion." Then, it hit me.

She was walking to her Father's table. Comfortable. Relaxed. Just a little bit more herself. Approaching him knowing that she was still welcome. Knowing that he welcomes his children no matter their outfit, their size, their mood, their mess-ups. Shoes or no shoes.

God doesn't see us like the world sees us. He looks on the inside, at the heart, at what matters.

I know I feel most myself when I'm stripped of everything that this world tells me makes me look better. When I'm with people that I love. When I know that I'm accepted despite what I look like or what my attitude happens to be that day. When I can be goofy and strange and not have to filter what comes out of my mouth. When I'm me.

We can go to our Father in the exact same way. We can go to him completely raw, completely ourselves. Remember, he is a personal God. On our level.

We can go to him shoeless.

Ps.....I'm gonna pray for a shoeless Communion...one day.