Gummies.

I pray for sin? Not really the act of it, but the consequence of it?

When we sin, we become convicted. This conviction leads us to repentance. Repentance leads us to God because that's where we experience his grace that covers up that sin. We experience the grace, embrace it, and allow God to embrace us. It feels freakin awesome. Then, our natural tendency is to pass it on. It's like experiencing Vitamin D gummies that just HAVE to be tasted by someone else. But, we wouldn't know how to pass on those gummies with full flavor unless we tasted them ourselves, unless we felt the 'happiness' that this 'sun' vitamin is supposed to provide ourselves. We wouldn't know how to pass them on if we had just heard of their awesomeness or just peeked at their glory through that bottle.

In the same way, we don't know God's grace unless we've tasted it ourselves. Unless we've felt sin and felt conviction and felt repentance and felt God and felt his grace.

Going back... I pray for the consequence of sin so that people are softened to be merciful! Why? Because when we ourselves sin, we seek mercy, we seek grace. We should seek this from God alone, but, let's face it, we don't. We want if from people. Why? (Romans 3). People are only able to be graceful when they themselves have been in the position of 'sinner'! When they know what it's like to be in need! Otherwise, you have people condemning you who have never before been in your shoes. They think they are being gracious, but they have no clue. To them, life is rainbows. Life is lollipops. And to them, most importantly, only the 'deepest' of sins is consequential.

Am I bashing people? Yep. Sure am.

I'm much more inclined to embrace someone through their sin because I know what it's like to long for that embrace in the first place.

....and God is gracious.

freedom?

I've felt a sense of freedom over the past few weeks (yes, for all the wrong reasons). With that, I've felt the need to 'indulge' (whatever that means. you can paint the picture for what it may mean to you..for yourself). There's been this need to prove that I'm 'normal', not perfect, and basically a sinner? ...not that I didn't know that....just to live it out.

I guess I'm trying to say it the way Merriam-Webster explains it: "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint."

Again, I don't know who I was trying to prove this to...probably myself? Maybe I saw it as another step to becoming mature? I'm not really sure.

Then the past 9 days happened. A rejection of type phone call. Sin. Discouragement. Sin. The second rejection of type phone call.

All of a sudden, I'm running. This time? TO God. NOT in my freedom. Then, I hear this:

"There's only one way to wash yourself clean...so let the dirt fall and get on your knees. There are a million scars for every mistake...but we are not chained to the secrets that we make" (Sons & Daughters).

In the midst of what I thought to make me feel free, was really weighing me down. What I thought would make me feel 'lighter', only felt heavy. What I thought to be of Jesus, was of Satan. I let my freedom in this world rule over my freedom in Christ.

....but we are not chained. let it go.

wrestle.

An extremely intelligent, loving, faithful man of God just recently passed on to me that Israel literally means "wrestle with God." (Thanks, N.V.).

....and that would be the stage of life I'm in. Heck, I always hope to be wrestling with God if it means I'm learning and growing....even though I'll always lose.

When I think of wrestling, I think of compromise, bargaining, win/lose.

....and that's exactly what I've been doing with God.

I want something, I bargain. I tell him I'll be 'better' at being in the word, 'better' at just being. (The state of my heart is nasty).

I try to win. I try to do things on my own. I try to make my own plans, have my own thoughts...I always will. But he promises to have different plans...different thoughts. Sometimes this drives me crazy and I wish my thoughts would just line up with his. Being in relationship with Christ means being able to, just a little better, see things through his eyes. I think he sensitizes our hearts to be more shaped like his....forming us in his image.

To be honest, I've become weary of trying, weary of learning. I always want to be challenged, so to continually learn sounds quite appealing. But, learning always comes with struggle, a sense of despair, and close examination of the heart.

I've been wrestling with God because I am quite knowledgable of him?...but I don't always feel him. I know he has plans for me, I know I have to trust in him, I know he will provide. I just don't always own it.

I'll close with the following quote, long quote, from my boy Dietrich:

"Jesus offers his disciples a simple rule of thumb which will enable even the least sophisticated of them to tell whether his intercourse with others is on the right lines or not. All he need do is to say "I" instead of "Thou," and put himself in the other man's place. 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.' The moment he does that, the disciple forfeits all advantage over other men, and can no longer excuse in himself what he condemns in others. He is as strict in condemning evil in himself as he was before with others, and as lenient with the evil in others as he was before to himself."

randoms.

I just told a friend on FB chat that her Jesus time would 'make or break' her. Well, it's breaking me. This morning at church God's Word was about His Word. About the depth that comes along with it, the sowing in one's heart it's able to take (Isaiah 55:10-13, Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23). Coincidence? Nah.

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I saw a girl from high school this weekend. It's been years. She was labeled quite the Rahab back in the day. So, seeing her, guess what I did? I held that same assumption. Upon getting closer to her, God sure jabbed me in the gut. She had nothing but Jesus tattoos all over the place.

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I'm in the middle of really wanting something. Funny that that's what will lead me to talking to Jesus. I remember praying for a solid two days. The third day rolled around and I remember saying, out loud, to Jesus, "I suck. It's funny how I've talked to you more in the past three days than the past three months because I WANT something." I hate myself for this. Not even just because I feel like God is 'mad' at me for this miscommunication...but because I take it for granted.

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I saw a lady with the following tattoo: Only God will judge me. I've seen this on more than one person in my day. I used to read this and stubbornly think that person was stubborn, one who broke the rules, didn't care what people thought, and just strolled through life with no regrets. You know what? I think these people just got it right. They've got it figured out. They really do know who has that judgment call and they don't walk around trying to please other people. They're probably more honest, more raw, more genuine.

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I'm cold...on the inside. My heart's hardened. I'm past denial...so that's the first step right? Again, this morning, in the midst of the prayers, I read for God to change my heart that had been "hardened to resist God's mercy." It was quite appropriate. Actually kinda freaked me out. It was right on.

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God's grace is shown to me by the people he's given to love me. It's been quite evident the past 2 weeks. I'm blessed by paths I've crossed. I know when people are genuine, when I matter, and when I was just a glimpse. The shortest text, the smallest message, the voicemail...God's grace.