Forewarning: This is gonna be a very {mixed emotions} post. Raw, if you will. (Let's hope by the end my heart has softened at least a little).
If you're an unbeliever, this will seem foreign to you.
If you're a believer, I hope? you've wrestled with jesus this same way.
I've never been more angry at Jesus than this past week. Two specific days come to mind. (I even legitimately questioned if I were a Christian.) I was alone one night. I started to journal in order to straighten my scattered thoughts. I was writing to Jesus..
"I'm so tired of defending you. I have to pull something cliche out of my a** every time people ask about my life because I feel the need to f****** stand up for you even though I don't feel like you deserve it. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN ME. I'm done saying you have a plan. I'm done saying you are faithful. I'm not seeing you. I'm not seeing you work, I'm not seeing your people work, I'm not seeing anyone love you, I'm only seeing fake, hypocritical Christians 'love' you."
Yep. Word for word.
I'm gonna be honest. I'm not a fan of my life right now? (cue situational depression) Some moments are fun, others are tolerable, many are discouraging. The craziest thing about this? is that I'm writing this for the world to see right now. Not as a cry for help, but for truth in reality. I'm "not Mindy" to many people, I've let my friendships fade, and I've become some sense of 'black sheep" if you will. My fault? Sure. I'll take the credit. At first, I was trying to prove my dependency on God. But as of late? i've sunk further and further into a hole because I'm tired of talking about my life. Selfish? Oh yeah. Every time I'm asked how I'm doing, my pride is questioned...by myself. So, no, I don't want to be asked that question. So, yes, I've pushed people away....probably when i've needed them the most.
Here's the thing, though. I'm not who I used to be. I'm being stripped of THAT Mindy. It doesn't mean that my mistakes, my failures, and my rejections define me, but they do indeed MAKE me. We can't grow without slipping. And to grow, we have to conquer our sin head on.
And then...Sunday happened. I didn't go to church. Part of me wanted to, part of me didn't. At home, my open bible was sitting next to me and tears just filled my eyes. I wasn't having it. Here's where my 'child of God' status came into question. It. was. awful. I've NEVER been at such a place. I just wondered how I was his child if I wasn't loving him, if I wasn't believing him, if I doubted all of his words. How was I his child if I cringed when I walked into a Christian book store? How was I his child if Jesus music tainted my ears?
We tend to only count our blessings when 'life is good.' Guess what? God is good ALL the time. I've almost become bitter? to people who haven't gone thru a 'hard time' (whatever that may look like to you) and had their faith questioned. Are you able to say God is love in the midst of persecution? As his child, I am supposed to rejoice IN suffering. That. is. hard.
And to throw all of this into a nutshell, I'm going to apologize to my God. Mostly? for misrepresenting him. I AM his child. I know it....but I doubt it? Either way, i've not made him enough for me. My contentment has been found in whether or not I make enough money, whether or not I'm happy in a certain moment. My contentment has not been found in him. I WANT it to be. I want him to distract my thoughts....and I'm tired of failing. I'm even tired of blaming my sin on 'sinful nature'. Gross. cheap grace.
My flesh, my human skin...it may not believe God's faithfulness, but deep down somewhere, where the holy spirit reigns....he believes it. And that has to be enough for me right now...
