unresponsive.

I really love tearin' apart a word. This one, unresponsive, is as follows:

-not reacting or responding to an action

A good friend has really opened my eyes lately to myself being nothing & God being stinkin' everything. Again, I fail. Yes, God is not in physical, human form. But, I sure am ignoring his 'actions' all around me. Maybe not ignoring because I see them existing, but not acting on giving credit where credit is due.


In my attempt to 'respond' to his legitness (if that's not a word, it is now), here are some of his recent moments:

my afternoon sun
meeting and befriending a complete stranger
an affirming text from a far away friend(s)
genuine conversations over coffee and scones
a teen opening up and sharing his story
loving hunger
listening, supportive parents
true colors being shown
a brother who can just 'drop by'
a friend walking in my exact shoes
learning the name of a front desk employee
picture messages of 'my' babies
2 1/2 hour long skype video chats


I sit here and think of some recent sucky moments. For some reason, I'm surprised when I loathe in them. But, it is they that I very much deserve. However, these Jesus moments, these little tiny moments that God is so graciously pouring out to me, they are the ones in which I should be surprised, in which I should be thankful. It's these moments that are so undeserving. But, because God is so good, he throws them in my face for me to experience with the hope that I give him credit.

God has me. I can't give my life to him because it's already his.
But, I can want God. I can have a say in how much I want to have him. That's where there is a difference.

I long to respond to his greatness. I'm tired of slacking, tired of getting away with cheap grace. I take advantage of the fact that I'm so easily forgiven. I want my life to be consumed by this man. I want to keep seeing him around me, keep giving him all of the glory that is so much already his. He's just letting me in on it. That, my friends, is why he's so legit.

wonder.

I remember sitting in a class last year during the second or third week of school. This class met only once a week so it was still fairly new to everyone. The professor asked all us of to give a brief testimony of our lives, how we got to where we are today. Most of these classmates I 'knew'. We all had the same major so we'd been in community before. But, this little project completely, honestly changed my view of people. It will forever be engrained in my little brain. I remember going around the room, person to person, each sharing what he/she felt comfortable sharing. Key word: comfortable. But, all walls came tumbling down. People didn't hold back. They didn't let fear keep them from being transparent. One by one the stories kept flowing, the tears started falling. These people that I 'knew' had been completely shaken at some point in their lives. I didn't even feel worthy to share what was on my heart because it didn't even compare to some of the issues they'd dealt with. I hadn't previously given many of them a chance, hadn't taken legitimate time to get to know them, their pasts. Boy did this widen my eyes. I saw each of them in a different light. There was, all of a sudden, an urge to be sensitive. These were people who had been physically and sexually abused my family members. People whose hearts had been broken and betrayed by the ones they loved. People who thought their lives were heading one direction only to be completely turned upside down headed the wrong way.

Today I sit in a coffee shop. I have a pretty good view of everyone loathing in this place. In their own little worlds. Some of them surrounded by company, others by themselves. I picture little speech bubbles around each of their heads, full of thoughts inside of them longing to be poured out. Thoughts that are coming out of the guy who is in conversation with what appears to be a business partner. Thoughts that are different from the words that are coming out. Two girls sitting across from each other who appear to be good friends. Is there ever a sense of deep, inner competition between them stemmed from their own insecurities? Each of these people appearing as if they are doing quite well for themselves. None of them appear to be suffering. None of them appear to be broken or lonely. Keep word: appear. The outside sure provides for misperception.


I pray for these people. For each of their individual lives. I wonder what is going on but God sure doesn't. He knows full well. He knows what they need, what satisfies.

I leave you as I smile for the friendly pat on the shoulder that the sweet guy with down syndrome just placed on a regular customer. God is good!

authentic.

{Ps....this is me stepping onto my soapbox}

Crazy Love. Francis Chan. 

I'm about to dig in, and the back cover is already enough for me to know how well this guy and I are gonna connect. 

Like Francis, I'm so tired of this typical Christianity norm. You know what I'm talking about. The way our society views religion. What makes it a norm? The fact that we think that going to church is enough? The fact that we have our Bibles sitting on our dressers {dust collected may I add}? The fact that every now and then we'll 'perform a good deed' not because we are trying to genuinely serve but because we want some sick, extrinsic reward? What makes it a norm to give our money, throw it in the plate, but not give our time? Why do we go to church anyway? To give others the pleasure of seeing us there or to really be in community with others before our God? Why and when did this become the norm? To be lukewarm Christians? At what point did Jesus' followers say, "We're just gonna sit back, screw our relationship with him, and just get by"? Cheap grace my friends. 

I think of people in other countries who fight for their lives to have these privileges. Fight to the death because its worth it to them. They can't even have church buildings, places in general where they can meet together to tear down each others walls and build each other up. They can't even carry a Bible. We so take it for granted. I think we feel forced. Forced into tradition. Goofy memorization. Repetitive song lyrics. Pushing the relationship with Jesus to the side. On the back burner. But why? Who says it has to stay this way? 

Because God, yeah he definitely wants it to change. 

I ask all of these crazy questions not because I want to force a relationship with Jesus on anyone but because my heart literally hurts; it aches. I see broken, torn people and the shattered world in which we live. I see this in the church and I see this outside of the church. Jesus is out of reach to them. They find their Father on Sunday. They are orphans the rest of the week. Orphans who think their Father has abandoned them when in fact its the other way around. 

We just aren't soaking up what God has to offer! We aren't owning what he tells us about himself. God sent his Son to die on the cross. Yep. God forgives all of our sins. Yep. God's grace will get us that eternal life. Yep. Really? That's our only response? We take into account what our ears want to hear, what our eyes want to see. We pull God into our picture when we've lost direction, when its convenient for us. 

Here's the thing.  

God's love is authentic. A relationship with him is authentic. Real. Raw. Walls torn down. Open. Honest. True colors. Dependable. Legit. And last but not least....realistic. Not fake, not bogus. Those weird lookin' people who may throw their hands up in the air while singin to Jesus, who may cry when they're praying. Did you ever stop to think that they may be feelin God, feelin his love, feelin his grace, and experiencing a desire to just be closer?

All I know is this...If I could only meet my Jesus on Sundays, I'd feel like a dang orphan too. 

Writing about what to write about.

I sit here snowed in longing to post on my blog.
Beware: this is gonna be a short one.

Today, I don't have any examples or stories. Sure, it could be because I'm trapped in my apartment, but I choose to disagree. I've been scrounging my brain. What I typically write about is seeing what God is doing around me, what he is teaching me, and what I'm going through with him. And I've come to one strong realization. A slap in the face. A few solid days of not being in the Word takes my focus off Jesus.

Being in the Word makes me constantly think about him, put others before myself, and see him around me in people, places, and moments. Having an active, living relationship with God means that I spend time with him.

Spending a lot of time with a friend rubs off on me. We acquire the same sayings, are able to finish one another's sentences, develop many similar thoughts, and come to treat people with the same regard. In quite the same fashion, I read what God is like and it rubs off on me. I read how he treats others, and I strive to do the same. I read what he commands of me, all being for my best interest, and, again, I strive to follow. And last, but most certainly not least, I read of his love for me, the grace he bestows upon me and am able to face this crazy, shattered world grasped in the hands of my Father.

Time for me to go spend some time with my Jesus.

Dreams, God goggles, and Vana

I have a dream......but I don't know what it is.

Yep, that makes one feel a lack of direction.

This weekend I was surrounded by thousands of teen girls, many of whom know what their dreams look like. Ya know, wanting to be the first female president. Wanting to be an actress. Wanting to be a teacher. I don't know where I'm going or what I will be doing in the very near future, but I do know that I'm feeling nudged by God and that's a pretty legit feeling. I can think of random things that would be pretty sweet in regards to just building relationships with strangers and tellin people about Jesus but then I get concerned with money and how that would happen and where I would start etc., etc. But, ya know what, that's me limiting my God. That's me saying, "Lord, despite me feeling a nudge from you and the fact that you are doing some crazy things in my life, I doubt you. I don't think you can do it." But, I am SO wrong.


I've been praying for people and resources and clarity and that's exactly what God's been giving me. He is giving me all these things that enable me to see how he is able to work and how he is working. My new friend, Miss Grace Knuth, recently opened her precious self to me! I would have to say that she was the beginning of this little adventure in which God strapped some goggles onto my eyes. Slowly seeing the world as he sees it. Grace opened me into her home. It's what I would call a community house in which God has basically brought together a bunch of random people from a bunch of random backgrounds into one single house. I met a father who has sacrificed so much in order to adopt just one more baby. Material things don't matter to him or his wife. Providing a home for a little baby in so much need is what matters. It's the way people, just like myself, are able to see Jesus through him, through Grace. She showed me what it looks like to be living a life in which one's sole purpose is to build community through and in Jesus Christ. Loving on people because He first loved us. Welcoming all kinds of people in because Christ first welcomed sinners. Sacrificing temporary, earthly gains because God first sacrificed his Son.


Part of this nudge and part of these goggles took another step. I decided, well, God decided, that I should  make a small difference in the life of a little 11-year-old girl named Vana halfway across the world. I am now sponsoring her through World Vision. Even though money is tight, its a heck of a lot tighter for Vana and her family. I go to Starbucks on a weekly occasion. I buy clothes that I don't need when I already have a walk-in closet that doesn't quite fit what I already have. I throw a solid three course meal on my plate on a regular occasion at the local restaurant for a pretty penny. So, this is me trying to not be so selfish. She's a real person with real needs. I'm so stinkin excited to hear from her! She can write me letters, and I can indeed write her back. It's not much, but it's something. She is precious, and my heart longs to meet that little girl already!


None of this is on my own. God is molding me and forming me into what he so desires, and I'm just along for the ride! "Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord'" (1 Corinthians 1:31). 

want vs. need

God doesn't need us. He wants us.
We don't want him. We need him.

Ponder that for a moment.

God doesn't need us. He wants us.
We don't want him. We need him.

Lately, I've been wrestling with my thoughts on my God being a jealous God wanting me, my time, a relationship with me and being a God who is already complete not necessarily needing me to give him anything.

Strong Enough to Save

Watching this video, courtesy of Mike from Tenth Avenue North, made it clear to me.


While yes, he is indeed High and Almighty, I just cannot picture my God sitting on a high horse wishing that the number one focus of his children be to only give him praise and glory. As if that were the sole purpose of his existence. That we tell him over and over again how much of our God he is. That he needs us, can't function without that being checked off the list.

"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else" (Acts 17:25).

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" (Romans 9:20).

I just asked one of my friends the other day, "Do you think God knows how legit he is?". Of course he does, he's God. Without undermining any of God's glory, bottom line is....he doesn't need us. He is still God, still holy, still powerful, still the Truth, still the Life. We don't make him be any of this. He's got it down pat all on his own. That's the beauty of our God.

On the contrary, though, God desperately wants us. He is indeed a jealous God (Exodus 20:5, Deuteronomy 4:24, Joshua 24:19). He wants a relationship with us, he wants our time, he wants us running to him. He wants to be the most important person in our life....more important than mom, dad, brother, or sister (Matthew 10:37). When we push him away, it hurts him. Since he was fully human, he knows what it's like to have his feelings hurt. To cry. He loves us so stinkin much that of course he wants to spend time with us.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me" (Revelation 3:20).

"But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone. In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers" (Hebrews 2:9-11).

More than any earthly father could ever want his child. He wants me. He wants you. Desperately.


ps...I encourage, highly encourage you to watch some of Tenth Avenue North's other 'video journals'...they've got their doctrine DOWN!