content.

God tells us to be content…in every circumstance, be content (Phil 4:11).

Fail. 

My heart is so uneasy, so unsettled. I’ve never been at a point in my life in which I’m not legitimately working toward a “goal”, or what I think to be one. There’s always been school, graduation, and getting certified. Now what? I’ve been so focused on my worldly gains and forgetting my eternal ones.

God is testing me, no doubt. My patience. My contentment. My peace. All of which are IN Him…or should be.  I’m having a hard time grasping that thought. I think it’s easy for us to measure WHO WE ARE by our successes and failures. If we are ‘succeeding’, life is ‘good’ (I mean really...how many facebook statuses have you seen like this?!); if we are ‘failing’, life plainly sucks. What about just living as God’s child? What about seeing the big perspective, knowing that no matter what we do, we are here to be and make disciples? Failures or some level of steadiness do not mean that we can push the pause button and wait until God throws us something 'better'. It means he works through them. We have purpose even if we feel as if we aren't necessarily going anywhere. Difficult? Extremely. 

Crazy? but, I’m beginning to thank God for allowing me to be at a place like this. Otherwise? I wouldn’t stop and focus on my purpose for this life. I don’t want my identity to be found in my vocation. I want my identity to be found in Christ which can be displayed through my vocation.

sinless?

Well, I know I'm a sinner. I also think I know God. But, apparently the two don't go hand in hand?

"No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." (1 John 3:6).

Dissonance. That is what this verse creates in my heart. Why? Because God's Word is truth, and this seems so false.

This truth is both convicting and comforting. It even kinda makes me angry. ("Don't you dare tell me that I don't know God.") It is almost incentive to prove this verse because it seems so unrealistic to my worldly ears?....which is most likely the reason God spoke it in the first place. But, there is also a message of hope that seems as if it IS possible to NOT sin? I mean, is it? That's what it sounds like to me. I can't even picture that...to be so IN Christ that I not sin. Again, not possible....because only the Son of God is capable of being sinless. Nonetheless, I want to STRIVE.

I know I'm saved by grace through faith alone. That's it. But, it becomes cheap grace when this is what I tell myself every morning and then fail to respond to God's love. If I really am IN him, if I really am his child, if his seed really is in me (1 John 3) then I'll want to live accordingly...

"The mercy and love of God are not meant to make us feel that we can sin and get away with it; they are meant so to break our hearts that we will seek never to sin again" -William Barclay

I want my heart to be broken to my merciful Father so that I don't see his grace as cheap...

godless chatter.

I have a very good friend who knocks me to the ground in truth, shoving my insecurities in my face but grabs my hand, and holds on tight, in bringing me right back to my feet. Through this, I have been shown my sin of godless chatter. Thus, I've recognized it more in myself and in those I surround myself with. I've seen it happen among 'friends' when one walks out of the room. I've seen it happen among the same friends when one walks out and in comes another. I've seen it between a mother and a daughter, a sister and a brother.

Believe me, I'm just as guilty. What's so bothersome about it is 1) knowing God is witness to this all the time and 2) who am I to think I'm not the target when I walk out of the room?! (this may be a poor incentive to act on this insecurity).

I think it's really easy for us, I speak for myself, to base relationships off quantity of information, definitely not quality. When we feel fully 'filled in' we are more secure in our relationships. But, take out that information and all that's left is a level of trust to be pursued...which is unheard of these days?

I'm just really uncomfortable when I witness relationships that solely exist, are defined by, godless chatter. I know I have relationships such as these. This recognition slightly freaks me out because I wonder if they would even exist if this aspect were to be taken out?

This forces me into some deep self reflection on the depth of my relationships. I've recently learned (thank you Bonhoeffer) that in order to access people, I have to first access God. I have to go through him. That is, if I want my relationships, life, founded on Christ. I mean...I do. Duh. That means prayer. That means spending more time talking to God about other people, instead of talking to other people about other people.

I don't have the answers. I could focus on what NOT to do all the time, but that sets me up for failure. Instead, I'll strive to focus on the ONE.

the heart.

So I babysat this past weekend. The kids were great. Very respectable, sacrificial, and for their ages, very honorable to one another. I already knew they were decent kids, but peering into their home lives exceeded my expectations.
When their parents returned home, I gave them the typical 'report'. I told them how impressed I was with their behavior toward me and especially one another. They responded with gratitude and proceeded to tell me, slightly sarcastically, that they always hear this exact 'report'.

The catch? They typically see the ugliness to their kids' behavior, missing the near perfection that I was able to witness. For me, a mere outsider, they wanted to earn, for lack of a better term, "brownie poinits", to get an A on that 'report'. They strived for their best behavior. They knew it was in them, so instead of giving into their sinful desires, they pushed through in order to make me proud. The behavior they 'privilege' their parents with is possible because they know they'll always be around; they aren't going anywehre; they'll love them regardless.

Don't we do this with Christ? With other people? We strive for those brownie points, we put on a show... for other people. We know God will always be there so our behavior toward him becomes cheap (what part of this is fearing God by the way?!).

Funny thing? God knows our hearts. He sees right through our show. He sees all of our ugliness despite our successful attempts at hiding it from other people.

The challenges arises when we truly examine our hearts. Being two-faced could be an easy interpretation of such examination. One way around people, another way around Christ, in our hearts. I think recognizing this is the first step. First of all, the craziness of God seeing through our 'show' is the fact that ALL of it is swept away, free from his thoughts. He lets it go. We need to let it go. This 'two-faced-ness' is able to be reversed. It means recognizing how ugly our heart really is and wanting to clean it up. It means allowing God to show you the full extent of your sin in order to really know what freedom is, what peace is. Then, before you know it, those brownie points, that grade, is genuine. It's a true reflection of the heart.

brokenness.

For some reason, God's gotta do some big things to get our attention. Why? Because otherwise we go on living this 'good life' and ignore him if we aren't in need of assistance. I mean, it's true. I don't search for him, run to him, or even attempt to seek him if everything seems all lollipops and rainbows.

Perspective.

I went to Joplin today with my church family. The pictures, the headlines, the stories....none of this does it justice until you see it in person...for yourself. But, I think more than the actual devastation, the flatness of every building, the debris, was the impact of a few certain people.

Pauline. In the midst of sorting through clothes, I came into contact with an older lady looking for some specific items. I quickly asked her what I could help her find. This sparked conversation about the loss of her entire house. The fact that she heard the sirens going off but it was quite 'little boy cries wolf'. The fact that the sound was coming from a different direction this time than the usual train on the other side of the house. The fact that she and her husband got into the bathroom, she in the tub, and that they didn't have time to get the dog. Within seconds, they were soaked, walls were torn down, but the drywall above their heads just somehow managed to stay in tact. Pauline brought tears to my eyes, and I told her I was coming around the table to hug her. We held each other in tears. She was so grateful for our service and knew the Lord kept her, her husband, and the dog safe. Upon leaving, I sought to give her one last hug. Deep in my heart, I didn't want to see her go. I remember that I kept saying over and over again, "Be safe" as I typically say to people leaving my presence. But, this time, it was in a whole new realm. Be safe because I knew what she'd been through and it hurt (sigh) my heart.

Three outfits. I decided to approach another lady who I thought could use some help since we had sorted through much of the female clothing. It was more difficult to find what this lady was looking for. But, indeed some of it was found. After a few more suggestions, she said she was 'good' because she now had three outfits. Three. She knew she was covered until Monday. Then what? I tried to imagine (key word: tried) what it would feel like losing ALL of my stuff, all of my clothing. I then tried to imagine walking into a shelter such as this and attempting to throw outfits together. I think part of me would obviously want to 'look good' but, at that point, would be thankful for whatever. What a sense of vulnerability.

"It's okay." One of the last lady's I encountered was somewhat difficult to understand. I kept holding up pieces of clothing to see if they'd work for her. They either did or they didn't. After making our way through the clothes, I pointed out to her that there were baby diapers, toilet paper, soap, etc. along the other side of the room. I highly encouraged her to go fill up her bag. She repeatedly said, "It's okay" with such humbleness. I was so enthralled but wouldn't let her win. I told her they were there for her, and she smiled one big smile and headed over. I saw her when she was about to walk out and she just said, "Thank you, thank you." She reached her arms out and squeezed me. Humbleness. Thankfulness.

Brokenness is evident. Evident in the loss of shelter, scattered memories, and death.

Yet, God is good. He is evident with the supply of water, the number of neon green shirt volunteers, and those raiding the streets with hard hats. Yes, it's ugly. But, more than that, it's beautiful because this brokenness is, and I can guarantee it, enabling people to sprint to him, to turn to no one else, and most of all, to see that he is indeed faithful in the midst.

Luke 6.31

Tonight I was discussing Jesus with some of my youth over smoothies and water. We were discussing unconditional love, what that could possibly look like, and we were soon on the topic of loving our enemies. This soon turned into mentally blocking out one person we each individually have a hard time loving (let's be honest. we all have that person, er, persons). 

Then it hit me. I am THAT person for SOMEONE. Someone, somewhere is sitting around a table, drinking a smoothie, picturing my face when "loving your enemies" comes to surface. Boom. 

The law is summed up in one command: to love. God and neighbor. If God is love, which 1 John tells us to be true, then in order to know how to love, we have to know God. In order to know how to love BETTER, we have to know God better. With this comes strife to love my enemies. And by God, I pray that they are striving to love me. Not the person I see as my enemy, but the person who sees me as theirs. 

...and Love comes from God. 

selfishness.

Upon writing the title of this blog, I realized that many of my recent posts have negative connotations. Indeed they do. But, there's learning throughout each one, sending me through a process of refining.

At the base of my selfishness is pride. I haven't given God the time of day lately. I've been turning to him when it's convenient for me, when I have time to slip him in the gaps, when I need him most. Key word: need. Not want. But, I want to want him.


I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15).


There are things I want to hold on to. Things that I don't want to give up. Things I want to have full control over. That's me being selfish. Not wanting to loose the chains and give them to God. I desire to give up myself and my own expectations of success. Just like it's easy to love in tongue and no action, it's easy to verbalize that I've given myself up and not actually acted on it. This is difficult because its such a conscious process. I have to tell myself every single day that I want God to have all of my worry, all of my doubt.

Then, I have to act on this by conversation with God. "When men pray, they have ceased to know themselves, and know only God whom they call upon." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer). Abiding in him, remaining in him, running to him, soaking myself, my brain with thoughts of him through his Word is what sustains. This running toward him only happens when I let go of myself. When I let go of what is holding me back, holding me from him.

I've been jogging. I'm ready to sprint.

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Oh hey Martin Luther. Yep, it's true.

judgment.

If you care too much or at all (?) what people think, isn't that making them your god? It gives them a sense of judgment over you. Not by their choosing but by your force. Placing judgment in their hands. Placing them before the heavenly Father. If we walk around always wondering what other people are thinking about us, trying to please them, we habitually begin to place them on priority.

Even though I highly fail at this, it is my desire to please God alone. Sure, I could please fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who strive to do the same, but honestly, they're gonna fail just as much as myself. So, no, I don't want to please them. Again, I think thats what it means to truly keep God first. It's his standards I wanna live by. Not man's. God is the author of the ultimate "rule book" (Deut. 6:18, 1 John 5:3). Everyone else doesn't abide by it or even hold it in high regard. Thus, we make men idols when we try to live by their standards. When we try to meet their worldly, godless, empty, temporal expectations. Face it. We're sinners. Each and every one of us.

Whoa. In reverse, I think I understand better what it means when God tells us not to judge someone. We are, in a roundabout ugly way, attempting to make ourselves Jesus. We make ourselves their god. We have absolutely no basis or ground on which to stand in such regard. Jesus is the judge. Let's leave that up to him. Let's just strive to love people. That's what he asks of us. To love. It's all summed up in that one command.