selfishness.

Upon writing the title of this blog, I realized that many of my recent posts have negative connotations. Indeed they do. But, there's learning throughout each one, sending me through a process of refining.

At the base of my selfishness is pride. I haven't given God the time of day lately. I've been turning to him when it's convenient for me, when I have time to slip him in the gaps, when I need him most. Key word: need. Not want. But, I want to want him.


I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15).


There are things I want to hold on to. Things that I don't want to give up. Things I want to have full control over. That's me being selfish. Not wanting to loose the chains and give them to God. I desire to give up myself and my own expectations of success. Just like it's easy to love in tongue and no action, it's easy to verbalize that I've given myself up and not actually acted on it. This is difficult because its such a conscious process. I have to tell myself every single day that I want God to have all of my worry, all of my doubt.

Then, I have to act on this by conversation with God. "When men pray, they have ceased to know themselves, and know only God whom they call upon." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer). Abiding in him, remaining in him, running to him, soaking myself, my brain with thoughts of him through his Word is what sustains. This running toward him only happens when I let go of myself. When I let go of what is holding me back, holding me from him.

I've been jogging. I'm ready to sprint.

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Oh hey Martin Luther. Yep, it's true.