....is everything.
God isn't enough for me.
EVERY aspect of my life is uncertain (right now?). Direction. Location. Career. Relationships. Roommates. Apartment. Education. And just when i think i've got something nailed down, it falls out from underneath me. I have no one to blame but myself.
One of my favorite quotes...
"expectations are resentments waiting to happen."
Well, I'm resentful. I've placed expectations on people, on my career, on my relationships. It's not bad to dream. I should be hopeful. But, it's unhealthy when i place this in someone else's hands. I need to BE adult and take ownership for where i've been in life and where the hell i'm going. And to start, i have to take ownership of the now.
I'm bitter and hurting and feel like at any moment in time something else will snap. Am i supposed to be learning something here? I don't want my happiness to come in the form of my job, my relationships. Sure, these can add some sprinkles. But, i want to want my happiness from God alone. But, it's not. It's a desire, not a reality.
I'm lukewarm <----and that phrase is cliche in itself. But I get it? I fasted for a few days a few weeks ago. It completely stirred my heart, made me refocus, made me do NOTHING but sit and be still and want Jesus. I eventually allowed myself food because I felt the power of the fast. I knew (i thought) I was at a point where I would wait on the Lord with or without food in my body.... not just without food, needing him. Well, fail. Here I am again.
I want all of God all the time. But, the moment my eyes open in the morning, i'm done gone. Sinner. I start thinking of self, start seeing everyone else's shit over my own, think how i can be better for myself not my God, and ...then i sit up.
All of this makes me put walls up because i don't want to give other people power over me, yet i want all walls to come down for truth to be spoken and hurt to be revealed. i'm tired of the gray areas though. i don't want lukewarm. i want hot or cold. black or white. i want to know who i am in the Lord and not wander around my day searching for the next piece of temporal SHIT that is going to appeal to me. a bad ass bargain . a latte. a flattering male.....
i hate people. i love people. if there's one thing i've learned.... everyone is a hypocrite. wanting one thing, doing another...saying one thing, convincing himself of another.... BUT the hypocrite who ADMITS to these things.... isn't so much a hypocrite....
