crazy?

I'm not fitting in lately. (as if I ever have?)
People think I'm crazy.
They laugh at me.
They roll their eyes.
They try to engrave their worldly logic in my head.

I think crazy is the new normal. Well, my new normal. I'm actually beginning to get a 'high' from it....when people acknowledge that something about me, something about my thoughts is crazy.

I am a stranger to the world and, again, I'm beginning to 'get it'. I'm supposed to be crazy. I'm supposed to seem strange. I'm supposed to be different, peculiar, questionable. I'm not supposed to make sense. I'm not supposed to be comfortable, stagnant. In fact, I refuse. Sure, it may seem a lot easier, but I'm called for something far greater. For risk, for stepping outside the box, for radicalness?

There is a mold that this society has created for a girl like me. I'm supposed to be taking steps to slowly pour myself into that mold. I'm then supposed to be baked at a high temperature and come out with smooth edges and a finished look. What if I'm not supposed to fit that mold? What if I'm the one who creates a new mold? What if I actually listen to my Maker instead of allowing myself to be jabbed at from all angles by humankind?

I'm okay (I think. Yeah, I am.) with not having all the answers. Yes, when answering to people, I get bitter. They want answers. Answers to questions that I don't even have for myself. That's where the crazy comes in. I no longer feel a need to answer to them, to persuade them to 'get it'. I just admit that I am crazy, but that that's where I want to be. There is a unearthly peace in taking the role of an outcast. It almost lifts the pressure when you can come face-to-face with that reality. Face it head on.

My master was rejected, persecuted. It is only obvious that I will, in turn, be rejected, persecuted. But, I'm gonna roll with it. Bring it.



Ps. Thank you D.B. for opening my eyes & E.F. for shedding light.

i'm clay.

Scripture can take on a new meaning when it's really hitting home, when you feel it through your skin, when you really begin to own it because you experience it.


Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay; you are the potter. We are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

I can count on five separate hands plus a few how many times I've heard this verse throughout my life. I always knew it to be true but never really, really got it.

Clay. It's dirty. It has rough spots. It's stubborn and hard to shape. It takes time to form, to get it just right. It can slip right through your fingertips if it's too wet.. too much of one thing.

A potter has full control of that clay. He is it's maker. He can do whatever the heck he wants with it. He can twist it. He can smash it. He can smoothen it. He can stretch it. He can rip it to pieces. He can hold it tight. He can let it get completely dry. He can water it again.

I am that clay, and God is that he. He is the potter.

a 'still' day.

Today was a day that doesn't happen very often. (coincidence that Van Morrison's 'days like this' just shuffled on?)

Dishes piled in the sink.
Hairballs (no, I don't own a cat) on the floor.
Blankets thrown & unfolded.
Laundry dried & getting wrinkled.
Hamper overflowing.
Crumbs on the counter.
Mail scattered on the coffee table.

This list was supposed to be tackled today. Key word: supposed.

Cue first day of spring. I got an invite to lay out in the sun, on the grass, maybe read a good book. I declined, saying I "gots s*** to get together". Minutes later, I realized just how petty this list seemed in comparison to some legit Vitamin D & some good company.

So, I did just that. In the midst of my 'stillness', I grabbed for my ipod. Moments into the first song I realized that what I had been longing for, some quiet time, my brain turned off, was being satisfied without that music. It was being satisfied with the sweet chirp of birdies, the pitter-patter of feet running behind me, the mumbling of kids playing nearby, the sweeping of the wind through the trees.

I don't often turn my brain off as much as I wish I would, as much as I wish I could. It's always goin'. Thinking of what needs to be done next, who needs to be contacted, and what the next hour will bring. Let's be straight. Sometimes thinking is just not fun. Too many of my random thoughts just freak me out and stir up crap inside of me that's no need to be worried about. It's refreshing to step outside your brain, to put life on hold, and to see the big picture by soaking up the small moments. Enjoying the little blessings and being 'still' in them helps this girl refocus.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

Ps...I'll have you know that that list was indeed tackled. Tackled because I found joy in a bunch of random small moments.

one person, one world

I think we've probably all heard the saying:

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.


Remember that one time (a few days ago) in which I said I wanted to change the world? Well, here's the deal. I don't think I have the power or voice to make that happen. When I say this, I picture myself standing on top of the Sears Tower with a megaphone. That's what people think of when 'changing the world' comes to mind. We think we have to have money or fame to make that happen.

Here's how I think we should go about changing this world y'all. I think it takes one person at a time. That person is changed/molded/shaped, and he/she then spreads this 'contagious disease' to one more person. When I stand in front of a crowd and speak, I sometimes walk away feeling unfulfilled, not knowing if I reached everybody, not getting the vibe that they 'got it'. But, you know what? I'm slowly becoming content if one, just one, person walks away with a challenge, walks away feeling moved.

We are Jesus' world. We are his everything. If he sees us in such a way, he challenges us to see others in such a way. If I want to change the world, I'm going to start with just one. One person. Because they are my world.

I can only plant seeds...

challenged.

Because I'm tired of hearing myself think about the same things over and over again, this is my attempt to enable some of these thoughts to escape. To be heard.

At school, I was told the importance, on many occasions, of lifelong learning. I was very diligent in affirming that I would indeed always do just that. Sure, I would attend conferences relating to my field of work. Sure, I would stay up-to-date on the 'latest' in order to better attend to people's needs. Sure, I would read book after book in order to further my intellect on a variety of topics.

Now, however, I am, once again, experiencing this for myself.

When we, as human beings, as students, as professionals, are challenged, something inside of us awakens and yearns. Yearns for more, for deeper, for clarification. We step outside of ourselves, taking on the mindset of another being, another idea that, previously, we hadn't given the chance to present itself to us. Light is shed, truth is clarified or questioned.

I'm being challenged right now. Some days, I love it. Other days, I dread it. It's not always a great feeling to think that you have it together, you know what's up, and for that to get punctured. It makes it harder to stand your ground, solidify questions with answers, and to be one who is looked up to. On the otherhand, challenge, as much dissonance that it sure causes, brings about clarity. And clarity, my friends, feels solid. It feels as if puzzle pieces begin to come together, the shoe starts to fit, and the shaking ground underneath slowly comes to a halt.

We don't challenge ourselves enough, and we sure as heck don't allow others to challenge us enough. Stepping outside our box, stripping ourselves from the comfortable, that's what brings about rejuvenation.

viewpoint(s)

{divisions} They're super apparent to me right now. To the point of cringing, absolute bitterness, and wanting to shut down.

The divisions exist because of various viewpoints. Yes, by all means, lets each stick to our beliefs, have a voice. But, this is where the line blurs. So many denominations, so many theologians, so much indoctrination. We believe what we are told as opposed to going straight to the source. 

Every time I drive by a church marquee, I cringe, maybe roll my eyes (heavily). Walking through the Christianity/Theology section of Borders the other day almost dropped me to my knees with a desire to vomit. So many stinkin' people think they've got it right. This is how you live a happy life. This is how you achieve your dreams. This is how God wants you to act. This is how you discover who you are. This is how to live for Christ. This is a seven step process that is guaranteed to work. Who's to say who is right and who is wrong, because, by God, someone has to be! (I even ponder on my own thoughts on this blog. They are simply my feelings and what appears to be revealed to me. In no way do I hold these thoughts in high regard by how people should live, act, think.)

I imagine God sitting (up in heaven?) looking in our midst. He is fully aware that he's sent his Word, he knows it's every single word because they are his words!! So, he knows when we're off or if we actually get it. He doesn't give us all the answers because we're not him. Duh.

It comes down to experience, feeling it, owning it, discovering it. We can chose to believe the in's and out's of what we've been taught. It will only change when we, ourselves, have discovered and felt truth in a different light. On our own. Truth that molds us and stinkin changes us to the core.

*next random thought*

This weekend my mom and I went to a 'hole-in-the-wall' cafe, and I loved it just for that reason. It wasn't typical. It was different. It had a style of it's own, people of it's own, a location of it's own, and food of it's own. When comparing it to your typical chain-pre-cooked-thawed-out-call-ahead restaurants, there is no comparison. It felt like home. It felt warm and welcoming. 

I left with a sense of peace. I left contrasting it to today's church. I long for, as I'm sure many people do, something that typical American Christianity doesn't offer. The church is like a chain restaurant. We go when it's convenient for us, we 'call ahead' because we want to be seated and 'fed'. We arrive, we get served, we eat, we leave.....until next time. 

We are complacent with how this whole system operates. It has become a norm. Who, anyway, says what should be? And who are we to go by these standards? 

I want to change the world. I want to change the way people view Jesus, his grace, & discipleship. I have such a small voice and am not a fan of convincing people anyway. But, you better believe I'm prayin' about some serious change. Change that will set people on fire. And all for the right reasons. 

Jesus' viewpoint. Let's let that be our viewpoint.

truth in love.

If I were asked to describe myself, select words come to mind, a few of them sticking out clearly.
Unique, transparent, confrontational, truthful.

First of all, let me just say that I'm a fool.

Lately, I question my authenticity. When comparing myself to others (which, ps, I'm also trying to consciously put a hault to), I tend to think that I'm pretty much myself regardless of person or situation, don't care about what others think (in the self-confident kind of way, not the I'm-better-than-you kind of way), and say what's on my mind (aka...no filter). Overall, I fool myself into believing that I'm not hiding behind my insecurities when, in reality, they exist in multitudes.

Because I want people to know that I know what they're about to feel when I speak abnormally, I preface. I warn them of what's about to be said. I see it as 'walking in their shoes' when, again, in reality, I care so much about what they will think that I can't just simply speak my mind without knowing/thinking/feeling/glimpsing into their mind in the same regard.

I long for authenticity. I want it for myself and I want it for those around me. Heck, I want it from people. I can't think of a better quality to possess. Why are we not real? Why do we not dig deep, pushing surface level crap to the side? Why do we not let anyone, even our dearest loved ones, in on our insecurities? We hide and try to prove to ourselves, in our own minds, even to the point of arguing that we are revealed. If I'm hiding, I sure as heck know the person next to me is hiding. And the person next to him. Why do we allow people or situations to shape us into something we know we're not? We'll just 'let it slide' because we care too much about our own pride for anyone to ever think we might actually have a legitimate say that is different.

Revealing our true colors, consciously allowing ourselves, is what it's all about. Regardless of person, place, situation, or circumstance. I don't doubt for a second that there is absolutely nothing that is in the darkness, not yet in the light, that is healthy. Heck, if you're thinkin' it, you may as well say it. It will save a heck of a lot of time, heartache, and most importantly, misperceptions.

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ" (Ephesians 4:15).

Key phrase: in love.

Going hand in hand with truth, is love. Let's be realistic in saying that we can't just walk around spitting out every thought that comes to mind. We're human, sinful, and always falling short, extremely full of deceit, malice, and ignorance. There is a way to deliver, to be authentic, without being all of the above.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32).

There must be a level of accountability, a balance between truth and love. Too much truth, not enough love. Too much love, not enough truth. We have to know who we are in Christ, who he has made us to be, who we strive to be, and act out of love. Why?

.we are because Jesus was.

speak to me.

When someone speaks, in order to truly hear, one must listen.

You can hear a stranger. To really listen to a person, it seems as though he/she must be known. More than surface level. It goes deeper. To listen to someone means to know what's going on on the inside. To listen is to be intentional. However, to hear happens whether or not it is desired.

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me" (John 10:27).

I have found answers and I've quit listening. It's as though I listened for so long that when he did make things clear I decided I'd had enough. I'd given him enough of my time. It was deep, intentional, and way beyond some surface level relationship. Then I resorted to hearing. If, at this point in time, my questions hadn't been answered, you'd better believe I'd still be listening. But, I'm not. I gave up on him, not him on me.

This is me wanting to listen, to be spoken to. I don't want to just hear God's Word. Yes, there is power in that. But, the difference is wanting to be intentional. Intentional with listening to my Father. It's not enough for me to just hear it. That is not me wanting it.

I desire so badly for him to speak to me. And I have no doubt that he will. Its up to me to listen. Intentionally.

And you know what is sparking this sudden desire? I.need.answers.