disconnect.

goodness, how i understand this word.

you know that weird, cliche quote basically stating the farthest distance being between the head and the heart? well, it's not so weird to me anymore.

it's. so. true. and i hate it.

when i don't deny myself, hide myself, and actually stop to look in the mirror, i can see this disconnect. ironically? i'm quite self-aware. not as much as i'd like to be? i KNOW a lot about myself, about my situation, about my God. i know when something is good for me, when something is bad for me, when something doesn't make sense, when i should speak, when i should be silent, when i should fight, when i should back down. but, i fight with my heart. my mind and my heart....they battle it out. i feel like my mind is dominating my heart with thoughts that may seem more rational but my heart is dominating my mind with feeling. that sounded ridiculous because, clearly, that's each one's role?

more so, my heart keeps winning. i don't like it. and i don't even really know what it means. i'm even wrestling with the idea that i'm letting it win? i keep on feeling and i'm tired of it. my heart is literally being worn on my sleeve because all of my actions, all of my words convey such. my feelings transfer into my mind and then my thoughts build and become irrational. if i try to turn off these feelings? i begin to think i'm lying to myself. feelings are feelings right? they aren't supposed to be wrong if you feel them?

my heart feels one thing. my mind knows another. disconnect. i mean it'd be nice if the two could just line up. here's where i'm clearly faithless.

funny thing? these feelings of dissonance and distrust are most prevalent when i'm not spending time with jesus. when i'm not talking to him. when i'm not listening to him. you'd think i would have learned by now?

i've looked up scripture the past two days on 'heart'. solid, provoking thoughts. and cliche? proverbs 3:5 came to light.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding....

hah. this verse makes more sense now. in my head, my mind I convince myself that I trust him. but i don't really think i do. my heart doesn't at least. but, how do you get there? how do you tell yourself, your heart how to feel? actually kinda blows my mind. i want to trust him (mind). but i don't feel like i do (heart).

at the end of many of these posts? i seem to come to a 'revelation' of sorts. this one? not so much. makes me uncomfortable actually. just goes to prove i don't have the answers. just goes to prove more of my own shit is coming to surface, i'm having to deal with it, and i don't even fully know how to do that. i just know that i'm being challenged, feeling confused, and desiring to let go of even the control i have to need answers.

control.

It's quite simple.

I have an issue with control. It's one of my many vices. And a continual struggle.

I want to control my circumstances, other peoples' circumstances, my job, my family, my friends, acquaintances, my income, my future, my present. Control even being present when I simply want to be in the know. Being in the know helps me control my wandering thoughts. My assumptions. I'm fearful of the unknown yet like spontaneity? I'm fearful of not being heard. I'm afraid of surprises. Surprises that I'm not gonna enjoy or be okay with. Interestingly enough, the basis of this control must be experiencing emotions that I'm afraid I won't be able to tackle. When I control, I control my emotions. I guess that means I'm fearful of being irrational and overreactive?

I am still dissecting where the root of this may have formed and just what exactly it is that makes me feel so good when this power is maintained.

When it comes down to it, control is doubt which is lack of faith in God. It's that simple. It's me saying, "Ya know what God? I'm good. I don't really want to trust you because I'm afraid it might not turn out the way I want it. I'm gonna ignore you when I want to ignore you. I'm gonna call out to you at my convenience. I'm not gonna place any detail of my life in your hands because I think I can do a better job. I'm fearful of being fearful and I want to know beforehand if any dissonance will arise. Thanks."

Gross.

I'm not trusting him. I'm not trusting his love for me. And most of all, I'm not trusting his promises. His promises to BE with me. His promises to HOLD me. His promises to COVER me. His promises to LEAD me.

Hah. I try to be him. I try to hold myself, cover myself, lead myself. And that gets me nowhere.

I'm over control. Probably not really, but I want to be. I don't want control to have control over me. I want my God to have control over me. Even out of this mess of control, God is still good. I wouldn't know what it felt like to yearn for him to have control if I didn't have this struggle in the first place. To know lack of control, I must first know control. To know what it feels like for him to take the reigns, I had to first hold the reigns.

I want to want what he wants.... I want him to be my distraction. I'm tired of waking up and letting this world take over me. Not even LETTING it. It's going to happen because of my sinful nature. But, enabling God to take over has to sometimes be a conscious thought. It has to be a prayer. It has to be relationship. "Free will to be surrendered" (E.F.).

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" Isaiah 41:13