control.

It's quite simple.

I have an issue with control. It's one of my many vices. And a continual struggle.

I want to control my circumstances, other peoples' circumstances, my job, my family, my friends, acquaintances, my income, my future, my present. Control even being present when I simply want to be in the know. Being in the know helps me control my wandering thoughts. My assumptions. I'm fearful of the unknown yet like spontaneity? I'm fearful of not being heard. I'm afraid of surprises. Surprises that I'm not gonna enjoy or be okay with. Interestingly enough, the basis of this control must be experiencing emotions that I'm afraid I won't be able to tackle. When I control, I control my emotions. I guess that means I'm fearful of being irrational and overreactive?

I am still dissecting where the root of this may have formed and just what exactly it is that makes me feel so good when this power is maintained.

When it comes down to it, control is doubt which is lack of faith in God. It's that simple. It's me saying, "Ya know what God? I'm good. I don't really want to trust you because I'm afraid it might not turn out the way I want it. I'm gonna ignore you when I want to ignore you. I'm gonna call out to you at my convenience. I'm not gonna place any detail of my life in your hands because I think I can do a better job. I'm fearful of being fearful and I want to know beforehand if any dissonance will arise. Thanks."

Gross.

I'm not trusting him. I'm not trusting his love for me. And most of all, I'm not trusting his promises. His promises to BE with me. His promises to HOLD me. His promises to COVER me. His promises to LEAD me.

Hah. I try to be him. I try to hold myself, cover myself, lead myself. And that gets me nowhere.

I'm over control. Probably not really, but I want to be. I don't want control to have control over me. I want my God to have control over me. Even out of this mess of control, God is still good. I wouldn't know what it felt like to yearn for him to have control if I didn't have this struggle in the first place. To know lack of control, I must first know control. To know what it feels like for him to take the reigns, I had to first hold the reigns.

I want to want what he wants.... I want him to be my distraction. I'm tired of waking up and letting this world take over me. Not even LETTING it. It's going to happen because of my sinful nature. But, enabling God to take over has to sometimes be a conscious thought. It has to be a prayer. It has to be relationship. "Free will to be surrendered" (E.F.).

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" Isaiah 41:13