disconnect.

goodness, how i understand this word.

you know that weird, cliche quote basically stating the farthest distance being between the head and the heart? well, it's not so weird to me anymore.

it's. so. true. and i hate it.

when i don't deny myself, hide myself, and actually stop to look in the mirror, i can see this disconnect. ironically? i'm quite self-aware. not as much as i'd like to be? i KNOW a lot about myself, about my situation, about my God. i know when something is good for me, when something is bad for me, when something doesn't make sense, when i should speak, when i should be silent, when i should fight, when i should back down. but, i fight with my heart. my mind and my heart....they battle it out. i feel like my mind is dominating my heart with thoughts that may seem more rational but my heart is dominating my mind with feeling. that sounded ridiculous because, clearly, that's each one's role?

more so, my heart keeps winning. i don't like it. and i don't even really know what it means. i'm even wrestling with the idea that i'm letting it win? i keep on feeling and i'm tired of it. my heart is literally being worn on my sleeve because all of my actions, all of my words convey such. my feelings transfer into my mind and then my thoughts build and become irrational. if i try to turn off these feelings? i begin to think i'm lying to myself. feelings are feelings right? they aren't supposed to be wrong if you feel them?

my heart feels one thing. my mind knows another. disconnect. i mean it'd be nice if the two could just line up. here's where i'm clearly faithless.

funny thing? these feelings of dissonance and distrust are most prevalent when i'm not spending time with jesus. when i'm not talking to him. when i'm not listening to him. you'd think i would have learned by now?

i've looked up scripture the past two days on 'heart'. solid, provoking thoughts. and cliche? proverbs 3:5 came to light.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding....

hah. this verse makes more sense now. in my head, my mind I convince myself that I trust him. but i don't really think i do. my heart doesn't at least. but, how do you get there? how do you tell yourself, your heart how to feel? actually kinda blows my mind. i want to trust him (mind). but i don't feel like i do (heart).

at the end of many of these posts? i seem to come to a 'revelation' of sorts. this one? not so much. makes me uncomfortable actually. just goes to prove i don't have the answers. just goes to prove more of my own shit is coming to surface, i'm having to deal with it, and i don't even fully know how to do that. i just know that i'm being challenged, feeling confused, and desiring to let go of even the control i have to need answers.