disconnect.

goodness, how i understand this word.

you know that weird, cliche quote basically stating the farthest distance being between the head and the heart? well, it's not so weird to me anymore.

it's. so. true. and i hate it.

when i don't deny myself, hide myself, and actually stop to look in the mirror, i can see this disconnect. ironically? i'm quite self-aware. not as much as i'd like to be? i KNOW a lot about myself, about my situation, about my God. i know when something is good for me, when something is bad for me, when something doesn't make sense, when i should speak, when i should be silent, when i should fight, when i should back down. but, i fight with my heart. my mind and my heart....they battle it out. i feel like my mind is dominating my heart with thoughts that may seem more rational but my heart is dominating my mind with feeling. that sounded ridiculous because, clearly, that's each one's role?

more so, my heart keeps winning. i don't like it. and i don't even really know what it means. i'm even wrestling with the idea that i'm letting it win? i keep on feeling and i'm tired of it. my heart is literally being worn on my sleeve because all of my actions, all of my words convey such. my feelings transfer into my mind and then my thoughts build and become irrational. if i try to turn off these feelings? i begin to think i'm lying to myself. feelings are feelings right? they aren't supposed to be wrong if you feel them?

my heart feels one thing. my mind knows another. disconnect. i mean it'd be nice if the two could just line up. here's where i'm clearly faithless.

funny thing? these feelings of dissonance and distrust are most prevalent when i'm not spending time with jesus. when i'm not talking to him. when i'm not listening to him. you'd think i would have learned by now?

i've looked up scripture the past two days on 'heart'. solid, provoking thoughts. and cliche? proverbs 3:5 came to light.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding....

hah. this verse makes more sense now. in my head, my mind I convince myself that I trust him. but i don't really think i do. my heart doesn't at least. but, how do you get there? how do you tell yourself, your heart how to feel? actually kinda blows my mind. i want to trust him (mind). but i don't feel like i do (heart).

at the end of many of these posts? i seem to come to a 'revelation' of sorts. this one? not so much. makes me uncomfortable actually. just goes to prove i don't have the answers. just goes to prove more of my own shit is coming to surface, i'm having to deal with it, and i don't even fully know how to do that. i just know that i'm being challenged, feeling confused, and desiring to let go of even the control i have to need answers.

control.

It's quite simple.

I have an issue with control. It's one of my many vices. And a continual struggle.

I want to control my circumstances, other peoples' circumstances, my job, my family, my friends, acquaintances, my income, my future, my present. Control even being present when I simply want to be in the know. Being in the know helps me control my wandering thoughts. My assumptions. I'm fearful of the unknown yet like spontaneity? I'm fearful of not being heard. I'm afraid of surprises. Surprises that I'm not gonna enjoy or be okay with. Interestingly enough, the basis of this control must be experiencing emotions that I'm afraid I won't be able to tackle. When I control, I control my emotions. I guess that means I'm fearful of being irrational and overreactive?

I am still dissecting where the root of this may have formed and just what exactly it is that makes me feel so good when this power is maintained.

When it comes down to it, control is doubt which is lack of faith in God. It's that simple. It's me saying, "Ya know what God? I'm good. I don't really want to trust you because I'm afraid it might not turn out the way I want it. I'm gonna ignore you when I want to ignore you. I'm gonna call out to you at my convenience. I'm not gonna place any detail of my life in your hands because I think I can do a better job. I'm fearful of being fearful and I want to know beforehand if any dissonance will arise. Thanks."

Gross.

I'm not trusting him. I'm not trusting his love for me. And most of all, I'm not trusting his promises. His promises to BE with me. His promises to HOLD me. His promises to COVER me. His promises to LEAD me.

Hah. I try to be him. I try to hold myself, cover myself, lead myself. And that gets me nowhere.

I'm over control. Probably not really, but I want to be. I don't want control to have control over me. I want my God to have control over me. Even out of this mess of control, God is still good. I wouldn't know what it felt like to yearn for him to have control if I didn't have this struggle in the first place. To know lack of control, I must first know control. To know what it feels like for him to take the reigns, I had to first hold the reigns.

I want to want what he wants.... I want him to be my distraction. I'm tired of waking up and letting this world take over me. Not even LETTING it. It's going to happen because of my sinful nature. But, enabling God to take over has to sometimes be a conscious thought. It has to be a prayer. It has to be relationship. "Free will to be surrendered" (E.F.).

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" Isaiah 41:13

grace abounds.

No, it really does.

I'm reading a book right now titled, "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning (and you should probably go grab yourself a copy). In the midst of his continual description of grace, he says that "we can't save ourselves. To the extent that we are self-made saints..the hookers and swindlers enter before us because they know they cannot save themselves..."

I get it. I've always known that God disciplines his children because of his love for us. Not to harm us. Not to make us angry at him. But because he sees the big picture, we don't, and he knows that it will make us run to him. (*eyes roll* I know it does me.)

If we are too self-righteous, think we've got it all right, think we don't necessarily need saved from anything, then we're too proud to see the cross for what it's worth. We look at the cross with blurred vision and can't see the extent of what REALLY happened on Calvary.

For some reason, we measure our sin against others'. Even upon reading the 'hooker' quote above, I'll guarantee that you, like myself, felt a sense of pride because you yourself are the 'farthest thing' away from a hooker. Guess what? You're not. I'm not. Here's the thing, though. Because society has let those hookers know just how 'bad' they are, they'll believe it. They, God-willing, will face their sin, realize how dirty they are, and KNOW that they cannot enter into those pearly white gates on their own accord. It's because they've been in the valley, they've faced their sin, they've been abandoned, and their souls are crying out for help. They've fallen so far that they know they are undeserving of God's grace. THIS is the moment of letting go of self-righteousness. They know they cannot save themselves.

Again, guess what? That's me. That's you. I know one thing. I know that Jesus died for all sins. So, to me? that means that he sees them equally. He doesn't see them like we see them. He sees the murderer and the liar as equal. BOTH undeserving.

Pride is the key word here. Pride tricks us into believing that we can save ourselves....that stupid, cliche, traditional acts will actually 'get us in'. Hah. I just get it now. It's not about how much time you spend in prayer, how many Sundays out of the month you can get yourself to that pew, how many times you open your home to 'fellowship', how much you throw in the offering (out of obligation). I legitimately think it takes our sin sinking us so bad, and GOD ALLOWING IT, for us to realize we are DIRTY, PRIDEFUL, SELFISH, BITTER, JEALOUS, MESSED UP, SINFUL beings....it takes this for us to realize that God alone, through his Son, can save us. That's grace....

...and it abounds.

I'd rather be that hooker....

misrepresented.

Forewarning: This is gonna be a very {mixed emotions} post. Raw, if you will. (Let's hope by the end my heart has softened at least a little).

If you're an unbeliever, this will seem foreign to you.
If you're a believer, I hope? you've wrestled with jesus this same way.

I've never been more angry at Jesus than this past week. Two specific days come to mind. (I even legitimately questioned if I were a Christian.) I was alone one night. I started to journal in order to straighten my scattered thoughts. I was writing to Jesus..

"I'm so tired of defending you. I have to pull something cliche out of my a** every time people ask about my life because I feel the need to f****** stand up for you even though I don't feel like you deserve it. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN ME. I'm done saying you have a plan. I'm done saying you are faithful. I'm not seeing you. I'm not seeing you work, I'm not seeing your people work, I'm not seeing anyone love you, I'm only seeing fake, hypocritical Christians 'love' you."

Yep. Word for word.

I'm gonna be honest. I'm not a fan of my life right now? (cue situational depression) Some moments are fun, others are tolerable, many are discouraging. The craziest thing about this? is that I'm writing this for the world to see right now. Not as a cry for help, but for truth in reality. I'm "not Mindy" to many people, I've let my friendships fade, and I've become some sense of 'black sheep" if you will. My fault? Sure. I'll take the credit. At first, I was trying to prove my dependency on God. But as of late? i've sunk further and further into a hole because I'm tired of talking about my life. Selfish? Oh yeah. Every time I'm asked how I'm doing, my pride is questioned...by myself. So, no, I don't want to be asked that question. So, yes, I've pushed people away....probably when i've needed them the most.

Here's the thing, though. I'm not who I used to be. I'm being stripped of THAT Mindy. It doesn't mean that my mistakes, my failures, and my rejections define me, but they do indeed MAKE me. We can't grow without slipping. And to grow, we have to conquer our sin head on.

And then...Sunday happened. I didn't go to church. Part of me wanted to, part of me didn't. At home, my open bible was sitting next to me and tears just filled my eyes. I wasn't having it. Here's where my 'child of God' status came into question. It. was. awful. I've NEVER been at such a place. I just wondered how I was his child if I wasn't loving him, if I wasn't believing him, if I doubted all of his words. How was I his child if I cringed when I walked into a Christian book store? How was I his child if Jesus music tainted my ears?

We tend to only count our blessings when 'life is good.' Guess what? God is good ALL the time. I've almost become bitter? to people who haven't gone thru a 'hard time' (whatever that may look like to you) and had their faith questioned. Are you able to say God is love in the midst of persecution? As his child, I am supposed to rejoice IN suffering. That. is. hard.

And to throw all of this into a nutshell, I'm going to apologize to my God. Mostly? for misrepresenting him. I AM his child. I know it....but I doubt it? Either way, i've not made him enough for me. My contentment has been found in whether or not I make enough money, whether or not I'm happy in a certain moment. My contentment has not been found in him. I WANT it to be. I want him to distract my thoughts....and I'm tired of failing. I'm even tired of blaming my sin on 'sinful nature'. Gross. cheap grace.

My flesh, my human skin...it may not believe God's faithfulness, but deep down somewhere, where the holy spirit reigns....he believes it. And that has to be enough for me right now...

Powerful is HE.

I've felt God's power. It's not as if it's been some epiphany and I'm always lingering in this powerful midst. I suck, and quite frankly, there's many moments when I doubt. When I don't feel this power. When I don't believe this power. But, I know for a fact, that I've felt it. Thus, I can testify to it. I can look back and know that it does indeed exist because I have SEEN it. Even if for only five minutes. 

His power enables putting 'self' to the side. Legitimately wanting to hurt more than hurting another. Overlooking pride. It means filtering thoughts before they become words. His power enables a simple trust. Not needing details. His power gives peace. Peace for the unknown, peace amidst brokenness, peace by letting go. His power brings love. Love to an enemy; heck, even laughter. Love to this new friend. His power declares understanding among worldly impossibilities. His power shadows need for acceptance. His power begins the process of restoration. Process being the magnified part of the power. His power ignites a soul to want what he wants. And I want that alone (this may be part of those five minutes?).

...His power indescribably makes sense. 

introspection.

I'm in the middle of a movie, and I paused it. To write. To reflect. To talk...well, to give my thoughts, to Jesus.

(cue 'Good Life' by OneRepublic.)

I'm quite the extrovert. I get my energy from people. Not exactly from solitude. But, I may be starting to disagree with that? a little.

When I'm in a certain mood...I'll put on suiting music, I'll hope the weather to match it. I'll do whatever it takes to make my outer surroundings mesh with my inner chaos. To feel. That is, if I want to face it...the chaos. Other times I'll simply dispel both cases. It's almost as if my conscience and my subconscious are battling it out. One's gonna win.

Well, here we are. Movie paused. Bible open. Pen spilling.

I'm enjoying being so introspective? in the sense that I do so with Jesus. I'm not just reflecting on myself, but myself with him. I typically have my 'jesus time' before lunch. I didn't get to it today. And I FELT it. I was scattered, thoughts were wandering, heart was uneasy. I put this movie in because (hah) I didn't want to confront my chaos; better yet, I probably didn't want to confront Jesus. Shame on me for doubting him so. My conscience realized what I was doing and HAD to do something about it. It's not always fun. I don't always find enjoyment with staring at myself in the mirror, facing my ugly heart, facing hurt, and striving to see how this Jesus guy actually sees me. BUT (that's a conjunction for a reason), laying life at his feet is going to legitimately allow me to fall asleep tonight.

....bearing witness to how HE works.

at his feet.

There's something beautiful about coming before the Lord. Coming to him with praise, but even more beautiful? coming to him at your ugliest.

It means being vulnerable enough to tell him what he already knows.
It means owning it.
It means being mad at him.
It means being sad and feeling like its his fault.
It means yelling at him.
It means not being able to stand on your own any longer.
It means feeling weak.
It means depending on his strength.
It means allowing him to be the mediator between you and another.
It means crying to him.
It means being confused.
It means not knowing where else to go.
It means using him as a last resort.
It means knowing he knows the future.
It means wanting to be understood.
It means being faithless.
It means giving up.
It means giving it to him.
It means feeling hopeless.
It means surrendering.


It means being in relationship.