Doing.

If you notice the date...
you'll notice that it's been a solid year since I've done this thing.

I'm a little freaked out by the past....oh 25 minutes or so. See, I've been falling asleep to episodes...hell, seasons...of Grey's Anatomy here lately. Just to simply....distract. To be immersed in the lives of others to put my own on pause.

My wifi just up and stopped working tonight in the middle of an episode. Immediately, my mind went to...."how are you gonna fall asleep with silence..in the dark?". After reloading and reloading, I finally succumbed to the 4G on my phone. I could scroll Facebook...and then Instagram. Well, I even got on Instagram and decided to 'update' my profile. I put THIS website back on it...

As I was scrolling, I felt certain pictures and where I was both physically and spiritually THEN. There was one picture..and I didn't even have to open it to recall the caption...and I just knew that I felt foolish when I posted it. It was a picture of the Word...with a candle. And I wrote, "I've been a fool."

I used to write all the time. But not just about my feelings. Not just about my person and what I was processing. But I used to write about tugs on my heart and Jesus and the Word and how I thought my heart was entangled in him. I just....haven't done that in a while. Even the idea of this blog? was to be an outlet for those thoughts. Yes, I've had people tell me that they have been intrigued by some of my writing, but more so? it keeps me intact to do something I know I need. It makes me sit and brainstorm and feel and tie together and come to baby conclusions.

That picture? made me sit up in my bed and grab two of my study Bibles, a newer one and an old one. Not even knowing where to start, I told myself that I wanted to look at all of my little notes in the old one...and heck, maybe even see what the new one had to say and transfer any over if I felt/thought the same.

Then, I hopped on here. Well...the internet is clearly working now.

I have an issue with expectations....and an issue on not legitimately addressing and fixing issues. Straight example...that I've written a post on here before about these same damn expectations. And not doing anything to change them..at all. It's a mindset, yes. But, I've got to do something with that. I think that might even mean to 'take captive every thought'...but MAN is it so much easier to trick yourself into saying because it sounds good. Point being...that I always line something up for myself. And had I never done that? If I never did that? would I feel as directionless as now? Always finding myself in the same damn spot..'where I thought I would be'. Well, i'm not there. I'm not doing what I thought I would be doing in October of 2013.

I recently spoke with a mentor of mine who is a God-fearing, Jesus-loving, finely-intellectual woman whom just so happens to be a therapist. And she told me this: I'm grieving.
I sat on those words for a moment before backing her up to specifically clarify so I knew what she meant EXACTLY. She told me that months ago I packed up my life, said goodbyes, quit my job, lost my house, mourned some losses, and transitioned. Now, again, I'm in transition....trying to rebuild ALL of that. Well, my immediate reaction was to undermine myself because when you think of grieving, you think of someone's death, a divorce, and so on. However, she obviously knows what she's talking about so I heard her out. I then proceeded to tell her about the tugs I feel from Jesus and that I know he wants me to spend time getting to know him more so I can really own that for myself...but that I just don't feel it right now. That I don't feel like I want to and that makes me question the authenticity in it...and so I just don't put forth effort AT ALL to avoid being..fake. Hah. She told me it's not gonna happen. That feeling that I want right now...isn't gonna be there in the midst of grief.

With that, I'm surprised at the feeling I felt moments ago with wanting to grab my Bible. Goodness. Even since writing that about 7 minutes ago? the feeling has already worn off. But I'm gonna do, I'm gonna stare at it's pages for a little bit.

Here's to ACTING and not just....thinking. Here's to being...and here's to doing.