Where's the line?

There's always that gray area....that blurred line.

I know this: Ya gotta recognize that sin before you can recognize that Savior!

Here's my gray area: being loving & Christlike VS. standing up for myself & not getting walked all over.

It seems as though this goes hand in hand with being a people pleaser. It seems to me as if that phrase can have both good & bad connotations. Good because you'd rather just go with the flow, push yourself to the side, and simply please others before yourself. Bad because you lose sight of what you truly believe, no longer have a voice, and become controlled by people.

As children of the Father, we're called to love others as Christ loves us. Yes, we fail, but we're still supposed to strive. Thus, God gives us the ability to love people through their sin just like they're given the ability to love us through our sin.

But, does attempting to unconditionally love a person, despite their flaws, at some point come to cease? Maybe that ceasing occurs when they are too proud to realize they're in the wrong, are blind to their sin, and surely aren't sorry for it. One person is poured out until run dry. The other is overflowing. They want to be showered in love and grace, not recognizing they have a legitimate need for it.

When I think of standing up for myself and not caring what other people think, I ask myself if this is possible in love. I think it is. It's not meant to sound selfish or disregard other peoples' feelings. It's about knowing just where that line is, where you know you can no longer sacrifice your total well-being for another who is not willing to even attempt to love you back.

But, when "those people" do legitimately care, they'll want to see your side of it, want to respect you for having an opinion. Love is a two way street (three if you include that dude named Jesus). If they see their own sin, see where they're in the wrong, where they've been hurtful, they're going to naturally want to come running back in eagerness to mend those wounds back together.

exposure.

I never thought I would enjoy, for lack of a better term, my sins being exposed? Maybe not so much enjoy, but feel peaceful about.

I'm seeing more and more the sinner that I am. I've been told my whole life that I am, will confess that publicly on Sunday mornings, and ask to be forgiven. But, again, again, again, I'm experiencing it. The beauty of it? It only displays God's stinkin' glory more and more and more. When you're able to step back, basically say 'I suck', and not see yourself on a totem pole anymore, God is magnified. Less of you, more of him.

I think there are two types of sinners. Those who recognize their sin and seek repentance AND those who simply sin. When we don't seek repentance, there is one thing in the way: pride. Someone tries to tell us we've messed up: no I haven't. Someone tries to point out our insecurities: no I'm not. Someone tries to specify our mistake: no I didn't. (We always know in our heart of hearts that they're right, ps.)

I'm insecure on many levels. I'm working on my insecurity in my sin. Insecurity that is slowly being lifted the more and more I'm exposed. It's sinful of me to be blind to my sin. If I try to put on a facade, push my sin into the shadow, I'm not only fooling myself. I'm fooling every stinkin' person in my midst.

I intensely yearn for truth.

Exposure does many things. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me kick myself in the rear end because I've probably, actually, most definitely, hurt those I love. Truth freakin hurts. Cliche? Of course. It makes me reevaluate, maybe analyze too much? But, most importantly, it shows me where I've screwed over other people, myself, and mainly my God. This, my friends, is what makes me feel sorry for what I've done. Its impossible to feel sorry if it's hidden in the darkness. Then, I have no other desire than to rest, lay, be held tightly in the palm of my Father's hand.

Exposure. It's necessary.

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds corrections gain understanding. The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor. (Proverbs 15:31-33).


Bottom line: tell me I'm a sinner, tell me when I sin, tell me how I sin, and maybe even point me to the cross when I'm stubborn enough to not believe you.

twisted.

I'm coming to strong terms with the fact that the Bible is way too stinkin' twisted. By us. humans.

God's Word is straight up. It's truth. It's legitimate. It's accurate.

Why do we magnify certain passages and blur others? We find a passage that isn't convicting, makes us feel comfortable because we might just be abiding by it, and to us, it shines, while at the same time, we shove those passages that stir up some dissonance to the side. Are we so insecure that what Jesus really has to say to us makes us put our own spin on it, our own 'interpretation' so we can justify our sins? I think so.

A few examples...

Jesus straight up tells us:
"If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."(Matthew 6:15)

"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." (Matthew 10:32-33)

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37)

(In the same regard, I'm not saying to take everything literal such as Mark 9:45 when Jesus says, "If your foot causes you to sin, cut if off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell." Jesus himself used figures of speech to make intriguing points. However, if it were to come down to it, I would rather be footless than hellful.)

There is obviously no doubt about it....that we have a gracious (giving us something we don't deserve), merciful (withholding something we do deserve) God. He is powerful enough to cover all of our sins. And he does. He did. So, for our human selves, it makes sense when such passages make us feel uncomfortable.

I do not bring to light these commands in order to make you feel convicted. I've simply learned that seeing and hearing such truths make us ACT. It makes us see our sin, seek repentance, and go runnin' back to our God of this universe. He's simply using his Word to show us just how legit he is. He's simply  trying to save us some heartache because he knows that when we put people, things, objects, ideas before him, it's just eventually going to screw us up even more than our current state. He's being a Father, a father who disciplines, a father who shows, who is, love.

....for God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him (John 3:17).

crazy?

I'm not fitting in lately. (as if I ever have?)
People think I'm crazy.
They laugh at me.
They roll their eyes.
They try to engrave their worldly logic in my head.

I think crazy is the new normal. Well, my new normal. I'm actually beginning to get a 'high' from it....when people acknowledge that something about me, something about my thoughts is crazy.

I am a stranger to the world and, again, I'm beginning to 'get it'. I'm supposed to be crazy. I'm supposed to seem strange. I'm supposed to be different, peculiar, questionable. I'm not supposed to make sense. I'm not supposed to be comfortable, stagnant. In fact, I refuse. Sure, it may seem a lot easier, but I'm called for something far greater. For risk, for stepping outside the box, for radicalness?

There is a mold that this society has created for a girl like me. I'm supposed to be taking steps to slowly pour myself into that mold. I'm then supposed to be baked at a high temperature and come out with smooth edges and a finished look. What if I'm not supposed to fit that mold? What if I'm the one who creates a new mold? What if I actually listen to my Maker instead of allowing myself to be jabbed at from all angles by humankind?

I'm okay (I think. Yeah, I am.) with not having all the answers. Yes, when answering to people, I get bitter. They want answers. Answers to questions that I don't even have for myself. That's where the crazy comes in. I no longer feel a need to answer to them, to persuade them to 'get it'. I just admit that I am crazy, but that that's where I want to be. There is a unearthly peace in taking the role of an outcast. It almost lifts the pressure when you can come face-to-face with that reality. Face it head on.

My master was rejected, persecuted. It is only obvious that I will, in turn, be rejected, persecuted. But, I'm gonna roll with it. Bring it.



Ps. Thank you D.B. for opening my eyes & E.F. for shedding light.

i'm clay.

Scripture can take on a new meaning when it's really hitting home, when you feel it through your skin, when you really begin to own it because you experience it.


Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay; you are the potter. We are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

I can count on five separate hands plus a few how many times I've heard this verse throughout my life. I always knew it to be true but never really, really got it.

Clay. It's dirty. It has rough spots. It's stubborn and hard to shape. It takes time to form, to get it just right. It can slip right through your fingertips if it's too wet.. too much of one thing.

A potter has full control of that clay. He is it's maker. He can do whatever the heck he wants with it. He can twist it. He can smash it. He can smoothen it. He can stretch it. He can rip it to pieces. He can hold it tight. He can let it get completely dry. He can water it again.

I am that clay, and God is that he. He is the potter.

a 'still' day.

Today was a day that doesn't happen very often. (coincidence that Van Morrison's 'days like this' just shuffled on?)

Dishes piled in the sink.
Hairballs (no, I don't own a cat) on the floor.
Blankets thrown & unfolded.
Laundry dried & getting wrinkled.
Hamper overflowing.
Crumbs on the counter.
Mail scattered on the coffee table.

This list was supposed to be tackled today. Key word: supposed.

Cue first day of spring. I got an invite to lay out in the sun, on the grass, maybe read a good book. I declined, saying I "gots s*** to get together". Minutes later, I realized just how petty this list seemed in comparison to some legit Vitamin D & some good company.

So, I did just that. In the midst of my 'stillness', I grabbed for my ipod. Moments into the first song I realized that what I had been longing for, some quiet time, my brain turned off, was being satisfied without that music. It was being satisfied with the sweet chirp of birdies, the pitter-patter of feet running behind me, the mumbling of kids playing nearby, the sweeping of the wind through the trees.

I don't often turn my brain off as much as I wish I would, as much as I wish I could. It's always goin'. Thinking of what needs to be done next, who needs to be contacted, and what the next hour will bring. Let's be straight. Sometimes thinking is just not fun. Too many of my random thoughts just freak me out and stir up crap inside of me that's no need to be worried about. It's refreshing to step outside your brain, to put life on hold, and to see the big picture by soaking up the small moments. Enjoying the little blessings and being 'still' in them helps this girl refocus.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

Ps...I'll have you know that that list was indeed tackled. Tackled because I found joy in a bunch of random small moments.

one person, one world

I think we've probably all heard the saying:

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.


Remember that one time (a few days ago) in which I said I wanted to change the world? Well, here's the deal. I don't think I have the power or voice to make that happen. When I say this, I picture myself standing on top of the Sears Tower with a megaphone. That's what people think of when 'changing the world' comes to mind. We think we have to have money or fame to make that happen.

Here's how I think we should go about changing this world y'all. I think it takes one person at a time. That person is changed/molded/shaped, and he/she then spreads this 'contagious disease' to one more person. When I stand in front of a crowd and speak, I sometimes walk away feeling unfulfilled, not knowing if I reached everybody, not getting the vibe that they 'got it'. But, you know what? I'm slowly becoming content if one, just one, person walks away with a challenge, walks away feeling moved.

We are Jesus' world. We are his everything. If he sees us in such a way, he challenges us to see others in such a way. If I want to change the world, I'm going to start with just one. One person. Because they are my world.

I can only plant seeds...