conviction.

There's simply no other word for it.

Many times I run to Jesus when I don't feel too awesome. I know he sustains so I want him to fix me with spending a little time with him. It's not pure and its very selfish. I don't always see it like that though. I may get done with my time with him and feel better. I may focus on a short truth for a short amount of time in order to convince myself that his Word is dwelling in me. But, it's not. I don't ingest enough of his Truth for it to be dwelling.

I was speaking with a friend a little bit ago about seeing God, feeling God. Various Scripture was brought up. {John 8:47, 1 John 4, Matthew 5:8}. We both felt gross. We both felt shameful. We both felt proud. We then realized that we were thankful for the realization of our conviction rather than being blind to it.

So, today I don't feel better. I feel more convicted. Which is awesome? in a really weird way. A few minutes ago, part of me wanted to dig around in a different part of Scripture that was more joyous, more feel good. Ya know...so I could walk away feeling better about myself, so Jesus could make me feel happy wahoo! But, that's a lie. I don't always feel that way with Jesus. And it's that way on purpose? i think. Jesus is Truth. Truth is Jesus. He speaks it. So, with this Truth comes the very ugly depths of my heart. He speaks and I see. I see the parts of me that he points out to be broken, prideful, ignorant....sinful. Why ignore that? That would be ignorant.

So, I'm gonna sit on that today. I'm gonna walk away convicted, uncomfortable. Walk away with my sin in my face so I face truth.