There's something beautiful about coming before the Lord. Coming to him with praise, but even more beautiful? coming to him at your ugliest.
It means being vulnerable enough to tell him what he already knows.
It means owning it.
It means being mad at him.
It means being sad and feeling like its his fault.
It means yelling at him.
It means not being able to stand on your own any longer.
It means feeling weak.
It means depending on his strength.
It means allowing him to be the mediator between you and another.
It means crying to him.
It means being confused.
It means not knowing where else to go.
It means using him as a last resort.
It means knowing he knows the future.
It means wanting to be understood.
It means being faithless.
It means giving up.
It means giving it to him.
It means feeling hopeless.
It means surrendering.
It means being in relationship.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
not all who wander..
..are lost.
You know that bubble that I described in my last post? Yeah..I think I'm starting the process of breaking through.
In all honesty, I'm wandering. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not enjoying the hand that God has dealt me. My sinful self is quite tired of it. The worst part? I fear the future. Like....dread it. Sometimes, the next ten minutes scare me when I don't know what they'll look like. I was at a volleyball game last night and praised Jesus for the match lasting five games instead of three for the simple fact that I knew what the next half hour would look like. Pitiful.
Heck. Thinking about the way the next two months will span out scares me even more. Clearly, I have issues with control if what is uncontrolled can scurry to my core. I'm at a point where I have NO other option than to trust Jesus. Even if that means I don't want to...I FEEL/OWN that I have to (this is me praying that he brings me to the place where I want to just to want to). No matter the control that I try to entrust to myself, no matter how tight I try to hold on, God is going to do whatever the heck he wants. If I resist (which I totally will and have), then shame on me. That's me adding hurt to myself. If I'm willing, if I back off and let him take THIS, take the next ten minutes, take today, take the next two months, his will inevitably will be clearer to me. Crazy that he already knows what he's doing with me and what he's going to do with me. His WILL will be done either way. I have absolutely no say in that. But, I do have a say in whether or not I'm going to be stubborn and resistant or willing and trustful.
"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." (John 16:33 MSG)
I may be wandering, but I am not lost. Part of breaking through that bubble is having my eye on the cross. Jesus is the end result, and I'm on a path leading to him. I'll probably stray, I'm already swerving, but I'm willing to let him position my feet, even if it means going off course to enable him to strengthen this heart of mine.
You know that bubble that I described in my last post? Yeah..I think I'm starting the process of breaking through.
In all honesty, I'm wandering. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not enjoying the hand that God has dealt me. My sinful self is quite tired of it. The worst part? I fear the future. Like....dread it. Sometimes, the next ten minutes scare me when I don't know what they'll look like. I was at a volleyball game last night and praised Jesus for the match lasting five games instead of three for the simple fact that I knew what the next half hour would look like. Pitiful.
Heck. Thinking about the way the next two months will span out scares me even more. Clearly, I have issues with control if what is uncontrolled can scurry to my core. I'm at a point where I have NO other option than to trust Jesus. Even if that means I don't want to...I FEEL/OWN that I have to (this is me praying that he brings me to the place where I want to just to want to). No matter the control that I try to entrust to myself, no matter how tight I try to hold on, God is going to do whatever the heck he wants. If I resist (which I totally will and have), then shame on me. That's me adding hurt to myself. If I'm willing, if I back off and let him take THIS, take the next ten minutes, take today, take the next two months, his will inevitably will be clearer to me. Crazy that he already knows what he's doing with me and what he's going to do with me. His WILL will be done either way. I have absolutely no say in that. But, I do have a say in whether or not I'm going to be stubborn and resistant or willing and trustful.
"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." (John 16:33 MSG)
I may be wandering, but I am not lost. Part of breaking through that bubble is having my eye on the cross. Jesus is the end result, and I'm on a path leading to him. I'll probably stray, I'm already swerving, but I'm willing to let him position my feet, even if it means going off course to enable him to strengthen this heart of mine.
Friday, August 19, 2011
faint-hearted?
I'm sitting here with my Bible open. I stumble upon Psalm 62. I begin to read....
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken..."
I was about to say, "No it doesn't. No he's not. Yeah I will." ha. But, just because I say so, doesn't mean it's true. What's true, is what he says.
I think I'm faithless lately? I sure don't find rest in God alone. He isn't my rock. He isn't the thing I wake up for, the thing I walk through life for. He's been pretty minimal.
Typically when I'm reading what he has to say to me through his Word I'm either convicted and encouraged to act or comforted by being understood. Both of these leave me feeling connected. Right now, I'm getting neither. I'm getting this sense of....cringing? For the obvious fact that I am not trusting in him to be this fulfillment for myself and that I just simply don't believe it but know it to be true?
I want to be more faithful. That comes from God right? I guess I just have to be more willing. It's as if I'm trying to break out of a bubble. It's clear. I can see through it. I can see where I need to be. I just can't get there. I try to force my way out and I feel walls. It's only visionary. When I begin to act, I feel the trap. Thus, I don't act. I'm stagnant. I don't move, I don't even attempt to take a step because that feels better than the rejection of the trap. The barrier.
As David continues, it's almost as if he has to convince himself of this truth as well. He tries to persuade? his soul to find rest in God alone. He then repeats that God is his rock, salvation, fortress, and that he will not be shaken. I wonder if he had thoughts similar to my own?
I think it's okay to be faithless sometimes because God proves to be faithful for us.
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken..."
I was about to say, "No it doesn't. No he's not. Yeah I will." ha. But, just because I say so, doesn't mean it's true. What's true, is what he says.
I think I'm faithless lately? I sure don't find rest in God alone. He isn't my rock. He isn't the thing I wake up for, the thing I walk through life for. He's been pretty minimal.
Typically when I'm reading what he has to say to me through his Word I'm either convicted and encouraged to act or comforted by being understood. Both of these leave me feeling connected. Right now, I'm getting neither. I'm getting this sense of....cringing? For the obvious fact that I am not trusting in him to be this fulfillment for myself and that I just simply don't believe it but know it to be true?
I want to be more faithful. That comes from God right? I guess I just have to be more willing. It's as if I'm trying to break out of a bubble. It's clear. I can see through it. I can see where I need to be. I just can't get there. I try to force my way out and I feel walls. It's only visionary. When I begin to act, I feel the trap. Thus, I don't act. I'm stagnant. I don't move, I don't even attempt to take a step because that feels better than the rejection of the trap. The barrier.
As David continues, it's almost as if he has to convince himself of this truth as well. He tries to persuade? his soul to find rest in God alone. He then repeats that God is his rock, salvation, fortress, and that he will not be shaken. I wonder if he had thoughts similar to my own?
I think it's okay to be faithless sometimes because God proves to be faithful for us.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Gummies.
I pray for sin? Not really the act of it, but the consequence of it?
When we sin, we become convicted. This conviction leads us to repentance. Repentance leads us to God because that's where we experience his grace that covers up that sin. We experience the grace, embrace it, and allow God to embrace us. It feels freakin awesome. Then, our natural tendency is to pass it on. It's like experiencing Vitamin D gummies that just HAVE to be tasted by someone else. But, we wouldn't know how to pass on those gummies with full flavor unless we tasted them ourselves, unless we felt the 'happiness' that this 'sun' vitamin is supposed to provide ourselves. We wouldn't know how to pass them on if we had just heard of their awesomeness or just peeked at their glory through that bottle.
In the same way, we don't know God's grace unless we've tasted it ourselves. Unless we've felt sin and felt conviction and felt repentance and felt God and felt his grace.
Going back... I pray for the consequence of sin so that people are softened to be merciful! Why? Because when we ourselves sin, we seek mercy, we seek grace. We should seek this from God alone, but, let's face it, we don't. We want if from people. Why? (Romans 3). People are only able to be graceful when they themselves have been in the position of 'sinner'! When they know what it's like to be in need! Otherwise, you have people condemning you who have never before been in your shoes. They think they are being gracious, but they have no clue. To them, life is rainbows. Life is lollipops. And to them, most importantly, only the 'deepest' of sins is consequential.
Am I bashing people? Yep. Sure am.
I'm much more inclined to embrace someone through their sin because I know what it's like to long for that embrace in the first place.
....and God is gracious.
When we sin, we become convicted. This conviction leads us to repentance. Repentance leads us to God because that's where we experience his grace that covers up that sin. We experience the grace, embrace it, and allow God to embrace us. It feels freakin awesome. Then, our natural tendency is to pass it on. It's like experiencing Vitamin D gummies that just HAVE to be tasted by someone else. But, we wouldn't know how to pass on those gummies with full flavor unless we tasted them ourselves, unless we felt the 'happiness' that this 'sun' vitamin is supposed to provide ourselves. We wouldn't know how to pass them on if we had just heard of their awesomeness or just peeked at their glory through that bottle.
In the same way, we don't know God's grace unless we've tasted it ourselves. Unless we've felt sin and felt conviction and felt repentance and felt God and felt his grace.
Going back... I pray for the consequence of sin so that people are softened to be merciful! Why? Because when we ourselves sin, we seek mercy, we seek grace. We should seek this from God alone, but, let's face it, we don't. We want if from people. Why? (Romans 3). People are only able to be graceful when they themselves have been in the position of 'sinner'! When they know what it's like to be in need! Otherwise, you have people condemning you who have never before been in your shoes. They think they are being gracious, but they have no clue. To them, life is rainbows. Life is lollipops. And to them, most importantly, only the 'deepest' of sins is consequential.
Am I bashing people? Yep. Sure am.
I'm much more inclined to embrace someone through their sin because I know what it's like to long for that embrace in the first place.
....and God is gracious.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
freedom?
I've felt a sense of freedom over the past few weeks (yes, for all the wrong reasons). With that, I've felt the need to 'indulge' (whatever that means. you can paint the picture for what it may mean to you..for yourself). There's been this need to prove that I'm 'normal', not perfect, and basically a sinner? ...not that I didn't know that....just to live it out.
I guess I'm trying to say it the way Merriam-Webster explains it: "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint."
Again, I don't know who I was trying to prove this to...probably myself? Maybe I saw it as another step to becoming mature? I'm not really sure.
Then the past 9 days happened. A rejection of type phone call. Sin. Discouragement. Sin. The second rejection of type phone call.
All of a sudden, I'm running. This time? TO God. NOT in my freedom. Then, I hear this:
"There's only one way to wash yourself clean...so let the dirt fall and get on your knees. There are a million scars for every mistake...but we are not chained to the secrets that we make" (Sons & Daughters).
In the midst of what I thought to make me feel free, was really weighing me down. What I thought would make me feel 'lighter', only felt heavy. What I thought to be of Jesus, was of Satan. I let my freedom in this world rule over my freedom in Christ.
....but we are not chained. let it go.
I guess I'm trying to say it the way Merriam-Webster explains it: "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint."
Again, I don't know who I was trying to prove this to...probably myself? Maybe I saw it as another step to becoming mature? I'm not really sure.
Then the past 9 days happened. A rejection of type phone call. Sin. Discouragement. Sin. The second rejection of type phone call.
All of a sudden, I'm running. This time? TO God. NOT in my freedom. Then, I hear this:
"There's only one way to wash yourself clean...so let the dirt fall and get on your knees. There are a million scars for every mistake...but we are not chained to the secrets that we make" (Sons & Daughters).
In the midst of what I thought to make me feel free, was really weighing me down. What I thought would make me feel 'lighter', only felt heavy. What I thought to be of Jesus, was of Satan. I let my freedom in this world rule over my freedom in Christ.
....but we are not chained. let it go.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
wrestle.
An extremely intelligent, loving, faithful man of God just recently passed on to me that Israel literally means "wrestle with God." (Thanks, N.V.).
....and that would be the stage of life I'm in. Heck, I always hope to be wrestling with God if it means I'm learning and growing....even though I'll always lose.
When I think of wrestling, I think of compromise, bargaining, win/lose.
....and that's exactly what I've been doing with God.
I want something, I bargain. I tell him I'll be 'better' at being in the word, 'better' at just being. (The state of my heart is nasty).
I try to win. I try to do things on my own. I try to make my own plans, have my own thoughts...I always will. But he promises to have different plans...different thoughts. Sometimes this drives me crazy and I wish my thoughts would just line up with his. Being in relationship with Christ means being able to, just a little better, see things through his eyes. I think he sensitizes our hearts to be more shaped like his....forming us in his image.
To be honest, I've become weary of trying, weary of learning. I always want to be challenged, so to continually learn sounds quite appealing. But, learning always comes with struggle, a sense of despair, and close examination of the heart.
I've been wrestling with God because I am quite knowledgable of him?...but I don't always feel him. I know he has plans for me, I know I have to trust in him, I know he will provide. I just don't always own it.
I'll close with the following quote, long quote, from my boy Dietrich:
"Jesus offers his disciples a simple rule of thumb which will enable even the least sophisticated of them to tell whether his intercourse with others is on the right lines or not. All he need do is to say "I" instead of "Thou," and put himself in the other man's place. 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.' The moment he does that, the disciple forfeits all advantage over other men, and can no longer excuse in himself what he condemns in others. He is as strict in condemning evil in himself as he was before with others, and as lenient with the evil in others as he was before to himself."
....and that would be the stage of life I'm in. Heck, I always hope to be wrestling with God if it means I'm learning and growing....even though I'll always lose.
When I think of wrestling, I think of compromise, bargaining, win/lose.
....and that's exactly what I've been doing with God.
I want something, I bargain. I tell him I'll be 'better' at being in the word, 'better' at just being. (The state of my heart is nasty).
I try to win. I try to do things on my own. I try to make my own plans, have my own thoughts...I always will. But he promises to have different plans...different thoughts. Sometimes this drives me crazy and I wish my thoughts would just line up with his. Being in relationship with Christ means being able to, just a little better, see things through his eyes. I think he sensitizes our hearts to be more shaped like his....forming us in his image.
To be honest, I've become weary of trying, weary of learning. I always want to be challenged, so to continually learn sounds quite appealing. But, learning always comes with struggle, a sense of despair, and close examination of the heart.
I've been wrestling with God because I am quite knowledgable of him?...but I don't always feel him. I know he has plans for me, I know I have to trust in him, I know he will provide. I just don't always own it.
I'll close with the following quote, long quote, from my boy Dietrich:
"Jesus offers his disciples a simple rule of thumb which will enable even the least sophisticated of them to tell whether his intercourse with others is on the right lines or not. All he need do is to say "I" instead of "Thou," and put himself in the other man's place. 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.' The moment he does that, the disciple forfeits all advantage over other men, and can no longer excuse in himself what he condemns in others. He is as strict in condemning evil in himself as he was before with others, and as lenient with the evil in others as he was before to himself."
Sunday, July 10, 2011
randoms.
I just told a friend on FB chat that her Jesus time would 'make or break' her. Well, it's breaking me. This morning at church God's Word was about His Word. About the depth that comes along with it, the sowing in one's heart it's able to take (Isaiah 55:10-13, Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23). Coincidence? Nah.
****************************************************
I saw a girl from high school this weekend. It's been years. She was labeled quite the Rahab back in the day. So, seeing her, guess what I did? I held that same assumption. Upon getting closer to her, God sure jabbed me in the gut. She had nothing but Jesus tattoos all over the place.
****************************************************
I'm in the middle of really wanting something. Funny that that's what will lead me to talking to Jesus. I remember praying for a solid two days. The third day rolled around and I remember saying, out loud, to Jesus, "I suck. It's funny how I've talked to you more in the past three days than the past three months because I WANT something." I hate myself for this. Not even just because I feel like God is 'mad' at me for this miscommunication...but because I take it for granted.
****************************************************
I saw a lady with the following tattoo: Only God will judge me. I've seen this on more than one person in my day. I used to read this and stubbornly think that person was stubborn, one who broke the rules, didn't care what people thought, and just strolled through life with no regrets. You know what? I think these people just got it right. They've got it figured out. They really do know who has that judgment call and they don't walk around trying to please other people. They're probably more honest, more raw, more genuine.
****************************************************
I'm cold...on the inside. My heart's hardened. I'm past denial...so that's the first step right? Again, this morning, in the midst of the prayers, I read for God to change my heart that had been "hardened to resist God's mercy." It was quite appropriate. Actually kinda freaked me out. It was right on.
****************************************************
God's grace is shown to me by the people he's given to love me. It's been quite evident the past 2 weeks. I'm blessed by paths I've crossed. I know when people are genuine, when I matter, and when I was just a glimpse. The shortest text, the smallest message, the voicemail...God's grace.
****************************************************
I saw a girl from high school this weekend. It's been years. She was labeled quite the Rahab back in the day. So, seeing her, guess what I did? I held that same assumption. Upon getting closer to her, God sure jabbed me in the gut. She had nothing but Jesus tattoos all over the place.
****************************************************
I'm in the middle of really wanting something. Funny that that's what will lead me to talking to Jesus. I remember praying for a solid two days. The third day rolled around and I remember saying, out loud, to Jesus, "I suck. It's funny how I've talked to you more in the past three days than the past three months because I WANT something." I hate myself for this. Not even just because I feel like God is 'mad' at me for this miscommunication...but because I take it for granted.
****************************************************
I saw a lady with the following tattoo: Only God will judge me. I've seen this on more than one person in my day. I used to read this and stubbornly think that person was stubborn, one who broke the rules, didn't care what people thought, and just strolled through life with no regrets. You know what? I think these people just got it right. They've got it figured out. They really do know who has that judgment call and they don't walk around trying to please other people. They're probably more honest, more raw, more genuine.
****************************************************
I'm cold...on the inside. My heart's hardened. I'm past denial...so that's the first step right? Again, this morning, in the midst of the prayers, I read for God to change my heart that had been "hardened to resist God's mercy." It was quite appropriate. Actually kinda freaked me out. It was right on.
****************************************************
God's grace is shown to me by the people he's given to love me. It's been quite evident the past 2 weeks. I'm blessed by paths I've crossed. I know when people are genuine, when I matter, and when I was just a glimpse. The shortest text, the smallest message, the voicemail...God's grace.
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