wrestle.

An extremely intelligent, loving, faithful man of God just recently passed on to me that Israel literally means "wrestle with God." (Thanks, N.V.).

....and that would be the stage of life I'm in. Heck, I always hope to be wrestling with God if it means I'm learning and growing....even though I'll always lose.

When I think of wrestling, I think of compromise, bargaining, win/lose.

....and that's exactly what I've been doing with God.

I want something, I bargain. I tell him I'll be 'better' at being in the word, 'better' at just being. (The state of my heart is nasty).

I try to win. I try to do things on my own. I try to make my own plans, have my own thoughts...I always will. But he promises to have different plans...different thoughts. Sometimes this drives me crazy and I wish my thoughts would just line up with his. Being in relationship with Christ means being able to, just a little better, see things through his eyes. I think he sensitizes our hearts to be more shaped like his....forming us in his image.

To be honest, I've become weary of trying, weary of learning. I always want to be challenged, so to continually learn sounds quite appealing. But, learning always comes with struggle, a sense of despair, and close examination of the heart.

I've been wrestling with God because I am quite knowledgable of him?...but I don't always feel him. I know he has plans for me, I know I have to trust in him, I know he will provide. I just don't always own it.

I'll close with the following quote, long quote, from my boy Dietrich:

"Jesus offers his disciples a simple rule of thumb which will enable even the least sophisticated of them to tell whether his intercourse with others is on the right lines or not. All he need do is to say "I" instead of "Thou," and put himself in the other man's place. 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.' The moment he does that, the disciple forfeits all advantage over other men, and can no longer excuse in himself what he condemns in others. He is as strict in condemning evil in himself as he was before with others, and as lenient with the evil in others as he was before to himself."