misrepresented.

Forewarning: This is gonna be a very {mixed emotions} post. Raw, if you will. (Let's hope by the end my heart has softened at least a little).

If you're an unbeliever, this will seem foreign to you.
If you're a believer, I hope? you've wrestled with jesus this same way.

I've never been more angry at Jesus than this past week. Two specific days come to mind. (I even legitimately questioned if I were a Christian.) I was alone one night. I started to journal in order to straighten my scattered thoughts. I was writing to Jesus..

"I'm so tired of defending you. I have to pull something cliche out of my a** every time people ask about my life because I feel the need to f****** stand up for you even though I don't feel like you deserve it. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN ME. I'm done saying you have a plan. I'm done saying you are faithful. I'm not seeing you. I'm not seeing you work, I'm not seeing your people work, I'm not seeing anyone love you, I'm only seeing fake, hypocritical Christians 'love' you."

Yep. Word for word.

I'm gonna be honest. I'm not a fan of my life right now? (cue situational depression) Some moments are fun, others are tolerable, many are discouraging. The craziest thing about this? is that I'm writing this for the world to see right now. Not as a cry for help, but for truth in reality. I'm "not Mindy" to many people, I've let my friendships fade, and I've become some sense of 'black sheep" if you will. My fault? Sure. I'll take the credit. At first, I was trying to prove my dependency on God. But as of late? i've sunk further and further into a hole because I'm tired of talking about my life. Selfish? Oh yeah. Every time I'm asked how I'm doing, my pride is questioned...by myself. So, no, I don't want to be asked that question. So, yes, I've pushed people away....probably when i've needed them the most.

Here's the thing, though. I'm not who I used to be. I'm being stripped of THAT Mindy. It doesn't mean that my mistakes, my failures, and my rejections define me, but they do indeed MAKE me. We can't grow without slipping. And to grow, we have to conquer our sin head on.

And then...Sunday happened. I didn't go to church. Part of me wanted to, part of me didn't. At home, my open bible was sitting next to me and tears just filled my eyes. I wasn't having it. Here's where my 'child of God' status came into question. It. was. awful. I've NEVER been at such a place. I just wondered how I was his child if I wasn't loving him, if I wasn't believing him, if I doubted all of his words. How was I his child if I cringed when I walked into a Christian book store? How was I his child if Jesus music tainted my ears?

We tend to only count our blessings when 'life is good.' Guess what? God is good ALL the time. I've almost become bitter? to people who haven't gone thru a 'hard time' (whatever that may look like to you) and had their faith questioned. Are you able to say God is love in the midst of persecution? As his child, I am supposed to rejoice IN suffering. That. is. hard.

And to throw all of this into a nutshell, I'm going to apologize to my God. Mostly? for misrepresenting him. I AM his child. I know it....but I doubt it? Either way, i've not made him enough for me. My contentment has been found in whether or not I make enough money, whether or not I'm happy in a certain moment. My contentment has not been found in him. I WANT it to be. I want him to distract my thoughts....and I'm tired of failing. I'm even tired of blaming my sin on 'sinful nature'. Gross. cheap grace.

My flesh, my human skin...it may not believe God's faithfulness, but deep down somewhere, where the holy spirit reigns....he believes it. And that has to be enough for me right now...

Powerful is HE.

I've felt God's power. It's not as if it's been some epiphany and I'm always lingering in this powerful midst. I suck, and quite frankly, there's many moments when I doubt. When I don't feel this power. When I don't believe this power. But, I know for a fact, that I've felt it. Thus, I can testify to it. I can look back and know that it does indeed exist because I have SEEN it. Even if for only five minutes. 

His power enables putting 'self' to the side. Legitimately wanting to hurt more than hurting another. Overlooking pride. It means filtering thoughts before they become words. His power enables a simple trust. Not needing details. His power gives peace. Peace for the unknown, peace amidst brokenness, peace by letting go. His power brings love. Love to an enemy; heck, even laughter. Love to this new friend. His power declares understanding among worldly impossibilities. His power shadows need for acceptance. His power begins the process of restoration. Process being the magnified part of the power. His power ignites a soul to want what he wants. And I want that alone (this may be part of those five minutes?).

...His power indescribably makes sense. 

introspection.

I'm in the middle of a movie, and I paused it. To write. To reflect. To talk...well, to give my thoughts, to Jesus.

(cue 'Good Life' by OneRepublic.)

I'm quite the extrovert. I get my energy from people. Not exactly from solitude. But, I may be starting to disagree with that? a little.

When I'm in a certain mood...I'll put on suiting music, I'll hope the weather to match it. I'll do whatever it takes to make my outer surroundings mesh with my inner chaos. To feel. That is, if I want to face it...the chaos. Other times I'll simply dispel both cases. It's almost as if my conscience and my subconscious are battling it out. One's gonna win.

Well, here we are. Movie paused. Bible open. Pen spilling.

I'm enjoying being so introspective? in the sense that I do so with Jesus. I'm not just reflecting on myself, but myself with him. I typically have my 'jesus time' before lunch. I didn't get to it today. And I FELT it. I was scattered, thoughts were wandering, heart was uneasy. I put this movie in because (hah) I didn't want to confront my chaos; better yet, I probably didn't want to confront Jesus. Shame on me for doubting him so. My conscience realized what I was doing and HAD to do something about it. It's not always fun. I don't always find enjoyment with staring at myself in the mirror, facing my ugly heart, facing hurt, and striving to see how this Jesus guy actually sees me. BUT (that's a conjunction for a reason), laying life at his feet is going to legitimately allow me to fall asleep tonight.

....bearing witness to how HE works.

at his feet.

There's something beautiful about coming before the Lord. Coming to him with praise, but even more beautiful? coming to him at your ugliest.

It means being vulnerable enough to tell him what he already knows.
It means owning it.
It means being mad at him.
It means being sad and feeling like its his fault.
It means yelling at him.
It means not being able to stand on your own any longer.
It means feeling weak.
It means depending on his strength.
It means allowing him to be the mediator between you and another.
It means crying to him.
It means being confused.
It means not knowing where else to go.
It means using him as a last resort.
It means knowing he knows the future.
It means wanting to be understood.
It means being faithless.
It means giving up.
It means giving it to him.
It means feeling hopeless.
It means surrendering.


It means being in relationship.

not all who wander..

..are lost.

You know that bubble that I described in my last post? Yeah..I think I'm starting the process of breaking through.

In all honesty, I'm wandering. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not enjoying the hand that God has dealt me. My sinful self is quite tired of it. The worst part? I fear the future. Like....dread it. Sometimes, the next ten minutes scare me when I don't know what they'll look like. I was at a volleyball game last night and praised Jesus for the match lasting five games instead of three for the simple fact that I knew what the next half hour would look like. Pitiful.

Heck. Thinking about the way the next two months will span out scares me even more. Clearly, I have issues with control if what is uncontrolled can scurry to my core. I'm at a point where I have NO other option than to trust Jesus. Even if that means I don't want to...I FEEL/OWN that I have to (this is me praying that he brings me to the place where I want to just to want to). No matter the control that I try to entrust to myself, no matter how tight I try to hold on, God is going to do whatever the heck he wants. If I resist (which I totally will and have), then shame on me. That's me adding hurt to myself. If I'm willing, if I back off and let him take THIS, take the next ten minutes, take today, take the next two months, his will inevitably will be clearer to me. Crazy that he already knows what he's doing with me and what he's going to do with me. His WILL will be done either way. I have absolutely no say in that. But, I do have a say in whether or not I'm going to be stubborn and resistant or willing and trustful.

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." (John 16:33 MSG)


I may be wandering, but I am not lost. Part of breaking through that bubble is having my eye on the cross. Jesus is the end result, and I'm on a path leading to him. I'll probably stray, I'm already swerving, but I'm willing to let him position my feet, even if it means going off course to enable him to strengthen this heart of mine.

faint-hearted?

I'm sitting here with my Bible open. I stumble upon Psalm 62. I begin to read....

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken..."

I was about to say, "No it doesn't. No he's not. Yeah I will." ha. But, just because I say so, doesn't mean it's true. What's true, is what he says.

I think I'm faithless lately? I sure don't find rest in God alone. He isn't my rock. He isn't the thing I wake up for, the thing I walk through life for. He's been pretty minimal.

Typically when I'm reading what he has to say to me through his Word I'm either convicted and encouraged to act or comforted by being understood. Both of these leave me feeling connected. Right now, I'm getting neither. I'm getting this sense of....cringing? For the obvious fact that I am not trusting in him to be this fulfillment for myself and that I just simply don't believe it but know it to be true?

I want to be more faithful. That comes from God right? I guess I just have to be more willing. It's as if I'm trying to break out of a bubble. It's clear. I can see through it. I can see where I need to be. I just can't get there. I try to force my way out and I feel walls. It's only visionary. When I begin to act, I feel the trap. Thus, I don't act. I'm stagnant. I don't move, I don't even attempt to take a step because that feels better than the rejection of the trap. The barrier.

As David continues, it's almost as if he has to convince himself of this truth as well. He tries to persuade? his soul to find rest in God alone. He then repeats that God is his rock, salvation, fortress, and that he will not be shaken. I wonder if he had thoughts similar to my own?

I think it's okay to be faithless sometimes because God proves to be faithful for us.

Gummies.

I pray for sin? Not really the act of it, but the consequence of it?

When we sin, we become convicted. This conviction leads us to repentance. Repentance leads us to God because that's where we experience his grace that covers up that sin. We experience the grace, embrace it, and allow God to embrace us. It feels freakin awesome. Then, our natural tendency is to pass it on. It's like experiencing Vitamin D gummies that just HAVE to be tasted by someone else. But, we wouldn't know how to pass on those gummies with full flavor unless we tasted them ourselves, unless we felt the 'happiness' that this 'sun' vitamin is supposed to provide ourselves. We wouldn't know how to pass them on if we had just heard of their awesomeness or just peeked at their glory through that bottle.

In the same way, we don't know God's grace unless we've tasted it ourselves. Unless we've felt sin and felt conviction and felt repentance and felt God and felt his grace.

Going back... I pray for the consequence of sin so that people are softened to be merciful! Why? Because when we ourselves sin, we seek mercy, we seek grace. We should seek this from God alone, but, let's face it, we don't. We want if from people. Why? (Romans 3). People are only able to be graceful when they themselves have been in the position of 'sinner'! When they know what it's like to be in need! Otherwise, you have people condemning you who have never before been in your shoes. They think they are being gracious, but they have no clue. To them, life is rainbows. Life is lollipops. And to them, most importantly, only the 'deepest' of sins is consequential.

Am I bashing people? Yep. Sure am.

I'm much more inclined to embrace someone through their sin because I know what it's like to long for that embrace in the first place.

....and God is gracious.