Gummies.

I pray for sin? Not really the act of it, but the consequence of it?

When we sin, we become convicted. This conviction leads us to repentance. Repentance leads us to God because that's where we experience his grace that covers up that sin. We experience the grace, embrace it, and allow God to embrace us. It feels freakin awesome. Then, our natural tendency is to pass it on. It's like experiencing Vitamin D gummies that just HAVE to be tasted by someone else. But, we wouldn't know how to pass on those gummies with full flavor unless we tasted them ourselves, unless we felt the 'happiness' that this 'sun' vitamin is supposed to provide ourselves. We wouldn't know how to pass them on if we had just heard of their awesomeness or just peeked at their glory through that bottle.

In the same way, we don't know God's grace unless we've tasted it ourselves. Unless we've felt sin and felt conviction and felt repentance and felt God and felt his grace.

Going back... I pray for the consequence of sin so that people are softened to be merciful! Why? Because when we ourselves sin, we seek mercy, we seek grace. We should seek this from God alone, but, let's face it, we don't. We want if from people. Why? (Romans 3). People are only able to be graceful when they themselves have been in the position of 'sinner'! When they know what it's like to be in need! Otherwise, you have people condemning you who have never before been in your shoes. They think they are being gracious, but they have no clue. To them, life is rainbows. Life is lollipops. And to them, most importantly, only the 'deepest' of sins is consequential.

Am I bashing people? Yep. Sure am.

I'm much more inclined to embrace someone through their sin because I know what it's like to long for that embrace in the first place.

....and God is gracious.

freedom?

I've felt a sense of freedom over the past few weeks (yes, for all the wrong reasons). With that, I've felt the need to 'indulge' (whatever that means. you can paint the picture for what it may mean to you..for yourself). There's been this need to prove that I'm 'normal', not perfect, and basically a sinner? ...not that I didn't know that....just to live it out.

I guess I'm trying to say it the way Merriam-Webster explains it: "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint."

Again, I don't know who I was trying to prove this to...probably myself? Maybe I saw it as another step to becoming mature? I'm not really sure.

Then the past 9 days happened. A rejection of type phone call. Sin. Discouragement. Sin. The second rejection of type phone call.

All of a sudden, I'm running. This time? TO God. NOT in my freedom. Then, I hear this:

"There's only one way to wash yourself clean...so let the dirt fall and get on your knees. There are a million scars for every mistake...but we are not chained to the secrets that we make" (Sons & Daughters).

In the midst of what I thought to make me feel free, was really weighing me down. What I thought would make me feel 'lighter', only felt heavy. What I thought to be of Jesus, was of Satan. I let my freedom in this world rule over my freedom in Christ.

....but we are not chained. let it go.

wrestle.

An extremely intelligent, loving, faithful man of God just recently passed on to me that Israel literally means "wrestle with God." (Thanks, N.V.).

....and that would be the stage of life I'm in. Heck, I always hope to be wrestling with God if it means I'm learning and growing....even though I'll always lose.

When I think of wrestling, I think of compromise, bargaining, win/lose.

....and that's exactly what I've been doing with God.

I want something, I bargain. I tell him I'll be 'better' at being in the word, 'better' at just being. (The state of my heart is nasty).

I try to win. I try to do things on my own. I try to make my own plans, have my own thoughts...I always will. But he promises to have different plans...different thoughts. Sometimes this drives me crazy and I wish my thoughts would just line up with his. Being in relationship with Christ means being able to, just a little better, see things through his eyes. I think he sensitizes our hearts to be more shaped like his....forming us in his image.

To be honest, I've become weary of trying, weary of learning. I always want to be challenged, so to continually learn sounds quite appealing. But, learning always comes with struggle, a sense of despair, and close examination of the heart.

I've been wrestling with God because I am quite knowledgable of him?...but I don't always feel him. I know he has plans for me, I know I have to trust in him, I know he will provide. I just don't always own it.

I'll close with the following quote, long quote, from my boy Dietrich:

"Jesus offers his disciples a simple rule of thumb which will enable even the least sophisticated of them to tell whether his intercourse with others is on the right lines or not. All he need do is to say "I" instead of "Thou," and put himself in the other man's place. 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.' The moment he does that, the disciple forfeits all advantage over other men, and can no longer excuse in himself what he condemns in others. He is as strict in condemning evil in himself as he was before with others, and as lenient with the evil in others as he was before to himself."

randoms.

I just told a friend on FB chat that her Jesus time would 'make or break' her. Well, it's breaking me. This morning at church God's Word was about His Word. About the depth that comes along with it, the sowing in one's heart it's able to take (Isaiah 55:10-13, Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23). Coincidence? Nah.

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I saw a girl from high school this weekend. It's been years. She was labeled quite the Rahab back in the day. So, seeing her, guess what I did? I held that same assumption. Upon getting closer to her, God sure jabbed me in the gut. She had nothing but Jesus tattoos all over the place.

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I'm in the middle of really wanting something. Funny that that's what will lead me to talking to Jesus. I remember praying for a solid two days. The third day rolled around and I remember saying, out loud, to Jesus, "I suck. It's funny how I've talked to you more in the past three days than the past three months because I WANT something." I hate myself for this. Not even just because I feel like God is 'mad' at me for this miscommunication...but because I take it for granted.

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I saw a lady with the following tattoo: Only God will judge me. I've seen this on more than one person in my day. I used to read this and stubbornly think that person was stubborn, one who broke the rules, didn't care what people thought, and just strolled through life with no regrets. You know what? I think these people just got it right. They've got it figured out. They really do know who has that judgment call and they don't walk around trying to please other people. They're probably more honest, more raw, more genuine.

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I'm cold...on the inside. My heart's hardened. I'm past denial...so that's the first step right? Again, this morning, in the midst of the prayers, I read for God to change my heart that had been "hardened to resist God's mercy." It was quite appropriate. Actually kinda freaked me out. It was right on.

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God's grace is shown to me by the people he's given to love me. It's been quite evident the past 2 weeks. I'm blessed by paths I've crossed. I know when people are genuine, when I matter, and when I was just a glimpse. The shortest text, the smallest message, the voicemail...God's grace.

content.

God tells us to be content…in every circumstance, be content (Phil 4:11).

Fail. 

My heart is so uneasy, so unsettled. I’ve never been at a point in my life in which I’m not legitimately working toward a “goal”, or what I think to be one. There’s always been school, graduation, and getting certified. Now what? I’ve been so focused on my worldly gains and forgetting my eternal ones.

God is testing me, no doubt. My patience. My contentment. My peace. All of which are IN Him…or should be.  I’m having a hard time grasping that thought. I think it’s easy for us to measure WHO WE ARE by our successes and failures. If we are ‘succeeding’, life is ‘good’ (I mean really...how many facebook statuses have you seen like this?!); if we are ‘failing’, life plainly sucks. What about just living as God’s child? What about seeing the big perspective, knowing that no matter what we do, we are here to be and make disciples? Failures or some level of steadiness do not mean that we can push the pause button and wait until God throws us something 'better'. It means he works through them. We have purpose even if we feel as if we aren't necessarily going anywhere. Difficult? Extremely. 

Crazy? but, I’m beginning to thank God for allowing me to be at a place like this. Otherwise? I wouldn’t stop and focus on my purpose for this life. I don’t want my identity to be found in my vocation. I want my identity to be found in Christ which can be displayed through my vocation.

sinless?

Well, I know I'm a sinner. I also think I know God. But, apparently the two don't go hand in hand?

"No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." (1 John 3:6).

Dissonance. That is what this verse creates in my heart. Why? Because God's Word is truth, and this seems so false.

This truth is both convicting and comforting. It even kinda makes me angry. ("Don't you dare tell me that I don't know God.") It is almost incentive to prove this verse because it seems so unrealistic to my worldly ears?....which is most likely the reason God spoke it in the first place. But, there is also a message of hope that seems as if it IS possible to NOT sin? I mean, is it? That's what it sounds like to me. I can't even picture that...to be so IN Christ that I not sin. Again, not possible....because only the Son of God is capable of being sinless. Nonetheless, I want to STRIVE.

I know I'm saved by grace through faith alone. That's it. But, it becomes cheap grace when this is what I tell myself every morning and then fail to respond to God's love. If I really am IN him, if I really am his child, if his seed really is in me (1 John 3) then I'll want to live accordingly...

"The mercy and love of God are not meant to make us feel that we can sin and get away with it; they are meant so to break our hearts that we will seek never to sin again" -William Barclay

I want my heart to be broken to my merciful Father so that I don't see his grace as cheap...

godless chatter.

I have a very good friend who knocks me to the ground in truth, shoving my insecurities in my face but grabs my hand, and holds on tight, in bringing me right back to my feet. Through this, I have been shown my sin of godless chatter. Thus, I've recognized it more in myself and in those I surround myself with. I've seen it happen among 'friends' when one walks out of the room. I've seen it happen among the same friends when one walks out and in comes another. I've seen it between a mother and a daughter, a sister and a brother.

Believe me, I'm just as guilty. What's so bothersome about it is 1) knowing God is witness to this all the time and 2) who am I to think I'm not the target when I walk out of the room?! (this may be a poor incentive to act on this insecurity).

I think it's really easy for us, I speak for myself, to base relationships off quantity of information, definitely not quality. When we feel fully 'filled in' we are more secure in our relationships. But, take out that information and all that's left is a level of trust to be pursued...which is unheard of these days?

I'm just really uncomfortable when I witness relationships that solely exist, are defined by, godless chatter. I know I have relationships such as these. This recognition slightly freaks me out because I wonder if they would even exist if this aspect were to be taken out?

This forces me into some deep self reflection on the depth of my relationships. I've recently learned (thank you Bonhoeffer) that in order to access people, I have to first access God. I have to go through him. That is, if I want my relationships, life, founded on Christ. I mean...I do. Duh. That means prayer. That means spending more time talking to God about other people, instead of talking to other people about other people.

I don't have the answers. I could focus on what NOT to do all the time, but that sets me up for failure. Instead, I'll strive to focus on the ONE.