Writing about what to write about.

I sit here snowed in longing to post on my blog.
Beware: this is gonna be a short one.

Today, I don't have any examples or stories. Sure, it could be because I'm trapped in my apartment, but I choose to disagree. I've been scrounging my brain. What I typically write about is seeing what God is doing around me, what he is teaching me, and what I'm going through with him. And I've come to one strong realization. A slap in the face. A few solid days of not being in the Word takes my focus off Jesus.

Being in the Word makes me constantly think about him, put others before myself, and see him around me in people, places, and moments. Having an active, living relationship with God means that I spend time with him.

Spending a lot of time with a friend rubs off on me. We acquire the same sayings, are able to finish one another's sentences, develop many similar thoughts, and come to treat people with the same regard. In quite the same fashion, I read what God is like and it rubs off on me. I read how he treats others, and I strive to do the same. I read what he commands of me, all being for my best interest, and, again, I strive to follow. And last, but most certainly not least, I read of his love for me, the grace he bestows upon me and am able to face this crazy, shattered world grasped in the hands of my Father.

Time for me to go spend some time with my Jesus.

Dreams, God goggles, and Vana

I have a dream......but I don't know what it is.

Yep, that makes one feel a lack of direction.

This weekend I was surrounded by thousands of teen girls, many of whom know what their dreams look like. Ya know, wanting to be the first female president. Wanting to be an actress. Wanting to be a teacher. I don't know where I'm going or what I will be doing in the very near future, but I do know that I'm feeling nudged by God and that's a pretty legit feeling. I can think of random things that would be pretty sweet in regards to just building relationships with strangers and tellin people about Jesus but then I get concerned with money and how that would happen and where I would start etc., etc. But, ya know what, that's me limiting my God. That's me saying, "Lord, despite me feeling a nudge from you and the fact that you are doing some crazy things in my life, I doubt you. I don't think you can do it." But, I am SO wrong.


I've been praying for people and resources and clarity and that's exactly what God's been giving me. He is giving me all these things that enable me to see how he is able to work and how he is working. My new friend, Miss Grace Knuth, recently opened her precious self to me! I would have to say that she was the beginning of this little adventure in which God strapped some goggles onto my eyes. Slowly seeing the world as he sees it. Grace opened me into her home. It's what I would call a community house in which God has basically brought together a bunch of random people from a bunch of random backgrounds into one single house. I met a father who has sacrificed so much in order to adopt just one more baby. Material things don't matter to him or his wife. Providing a home for a little baby in so much need is what matters. It's the way people, just like myself, are able to see Jesus through him, through Grace. She showed me what it looks like to be living a life in which one's sole purpose is to build community through and in Jesus Christ. Loving on people because He first loved us. Welcoming all kinds of people in because Christ first welcomed sinners. Sacrificing temporary, earthly gains because God first sacrificed his Son.


Part of this nudge and part of these goggles took another step. I decided, well, God decided, that I should  make a small difference in the life of a little 11-year-old girl named Vana halfway across the world. I am now sponsoring her through World Vision. Even though money is tight, its a heck of a lot tighter for Vana and her family. I go to Starbucks on a weekly occasion. I buy clothes that I don't need when I already have a walk-in closet that doesn't quite fit what I already have. I throw a solid three course meal on my plate on a regular occasion at the local restaurant for a pretty penny. So, this is me trying to not be so selfish. She's a real person with real needs. I'm so stinkin excited to hear from her! She can write me letters, and I can indeed write her back. It's not much, but it's something. She is precious, and my heart longs to meet that little girl already!


None of this is on my own. God is molding me and forming me into what he so desires, and I'm just along for the ride! "Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord'" (1 Corinthians 1:31). 

want vs. need

God doesn't need us. He wants us.
We don't want him. We need him.

Ponder that for a moment.

God doesn't need us. He wants us.
We don't want him. We need him.

Lately, I've been wrestling with my thoughts on my God being a jealous God wanting me, my time, a relationship with me and being a God who is already complete not necessarily needing me to give him anything.

Strong Enough to Save

Watching this video, courtesy of Mike from Tenth Avenue North, made it clear to me.


While yes, he is indeed High and Almighty, I just cannot picture my God sitting on a high horse wishing that the number one focus of his children be to only give him praise and glory. As if that were the sole purpose of his existence. That we tell him over and over again how much of our God he is. That he needs us, can't function without that being checked off the list.

"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else" (Acts 17:25).

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" (Romans 9:20).

I just asked one of my friends the other day, "Do you think God knows how legit he is?". Of course he does, he's God. Without undermining any of God's glory, bottom line is....he doesn't need us. He is still God, still holy, still powerful, still the Truth, still the Life. We don't make him be any of this. He's got it down pat all on his own. That's the beauty of our God.

On the contrary, though, God desperately wants us. He is indeed a jealous God (Exodus 20:5, Deuteronomy 4:24, Joshua 24:19). He wants a relationship with us, he wants our time, he wants us running to him. He wants to be the most important person in our life....more important than mom, dad, brother, or sister (Matthew 10:37). When we push him away, it hurts him. Since he was fully human, he knows what it's like to have his feelings hurt. To cry. He loves us so stinkin much that of course he wants to spend time with us.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me" (Revelation 3:20).

"But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone. In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers" (Hebrews 2:9-11).

More than any earthly father could ever want his child. He wants me. He wants you. Desperately.


ps...I encourage, highly encourage you to watch some of Tenth Avenue North's other 'video journals'...they've got their doctrine DOWN!

exhausted

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. And even spiritually.

I'm tired of being strong. Tired of telling myself that God has a plan, that he knows what he's doing. Hasn't he given me enough? Isn't my time of suffering ready to come to completion? I don't have it all together but I like to think that I do. I know that God is in control, but I don't always feel that he is in control. I let Satan come in and take over my thoughts. He gets me to doubt God, to second guess him, and to push him away.  He makes me tired...exhausted. 

All throughout my life I've gone through seasons of being 'close' to God and being 'far' from God. Hot or cold. I'm either diligent in my Jesus time or its completely non-existant. Why? Good question. I've been so diligent in it lately because, as previously stated, of my suffering. No, not the kind of suffering in which I've lost a family member or close friend. It's not what the world sees as extreme suffering. Its the kind of suffering in which the words lonely, confused, desperate, uncertain, lack of purpose, and exhausted are so prevalent. Its a kind of suffering that I've never experienced before. Its different than being betrayed by a friend. Different than investing in a guy and not having those feelings reciprocated. Its a suffering that boils down to isolation. 

Leaning on God. I get what that means now. I get it. There's time when I don't want to. Not in the mood. Would rather watch 7 episodes of Modern Family (in a row) because I want to escape the life of Mindy; I want to escape into a fictional, script-written world. But, again, I know I'm going through all of this crap for just that reason. To lean on God. If things were fine and dandy, I know that I would be sitting on my couch right now watching some early afternoon talk show, not coming into contact with all these mixed emotions. Instead, I am taken over by what I know satisfies....Jesus. 

So, in the midst of my exhaustion and my lousy mood toward what God is teaching me, I can say that he is faithful. What's so legit about God is the fact that I can come to him complaining, moaning, and just upset knowing that he will hear me out. Knowing that this is the relationship he wants with me. He wants my joys and my pains. He wants all of me. He doesn't just want me in my suffering. That's something HUGE that I'm actually, finally realizing. I do tend to ignore him when my life is right-side up. But, this constant time spent with him has fulfilled me, and I think I know that, when the sun starts to shine, I'll honestly be able to whip out my Bible because I want to, because I still yearn for a relationship with him to praise him, to thank him, and not just to moan at him. 

10 things.

A loving church family.
Truth.
Quiet Time.
Suffering.
Friends.
Family.
Uncertainty.
New Friendships.
Being Understood.
Good Team.

Last night at a Bible Study I was asked to write down a list of what I'm thankful for. After some discussion and hearing a few people name some of their 'thankfuls', I realized that mine was definitely not typical. Sure, some of the things on this list would be expected...loving church family, family, friends.

But, it then dawned on me how much God is working in my life. He always has and he always will, but its just so apparent here lately. And, its because of this list. Its because of quiet time, its because of suffering, its because of uncertainty.

Tonight when I was having my Jesus time, I asked some of my closest friends for their prayer requests. In the midst of writing, I thanked the Lord for the suffering of one of them. I thanked him because I knew that it would enable her to trust in him. When else would he prove his glory more? Not when things were going perfect, but when he presented her with a time in which she really needed to lean on him and know that he would take care of it. He always does.

Uncertainty. Me and this word have a love-hate relationship. I love it because its so dang exciting. I hate it because its so dang scary. There's a thrill in knowing that I trust God to shove something in my face. To show me what he wants, when he wants. To lead me to it, to make it clear, and for him to follow through. There's a sense of defeat when I think of my human self. My flesh. My ability to doubt that God will follow through. That he will leave me stranded. That I will be lost, not knowing where to go. But, that's exactly it. My human self is not able to make sense of what God is doing/ will do in the near future. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, not thought through, not logical. God sees the big picture, though, and it makes sense to him. He cannot be limited or contained. He can work in ways that are bigger than me, bigger than my goofy plans for my temporary life. He can choose to take me into valleys, onto mountains, around twists, around turns.

In the meantime, I will keep making lists. Lists of my thankfuls.

~never ceasing

I just don't know how he does it. I mean, obviously. He's God, I'm not.

I woke up this morning in fear, not wanting to face the day, laying in bed just a little bit longer than snoozing past the normal seven alarms. Yes, I'm serious. It was a day where I would be in the spotlight and not for a 'good' reason. I would be frowned upon, misunderstood, and most of all, doubted. Sucky, sucky feeling. A day where it wouldn't be uncommon to feel like the whole world was plotting war. Sure, let me just pry myself outta bed and run out my front door. Or not.

Prayer is/has taken an extra priority lately, and let me just say that this girl, well, she can tell. I don't think it would have been possible for me to have talked to Jesus any more about this day. He knew what was up, and he knew what I was feeling. Not to mention, I had a pretty hefty supply of people talking to Jesus for me as well.

Today, of all days, was a day where love was so apparent. Not only God's love for me, but love from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Love from people when I least expected it. Love when I know I was the cause of hurt, of anger, of confusion.

But, in the midst, Jesus showed me that I was chillin in his hand the whole dang time. He had my back, and he knew who he needed to send to love on me, when he needed to send them. He made himself so known today, so clear. I was loved on, supported, hugged times a thousand, empathized with, prayed for, encouraged, proud of, and loved on some more. I was....in shock.

How lame and human of me to doubt my God like I did when I woke up this morning. He flipped my day completely right-side up. A total one-eighty.

My God....he never ceases to amaze me. again.

shoeless.

I visited my family's church this weekend. When I was sitting in the pews, waiting my turn for Communion, something caught my eye. Something that wouldn't typically be seen in the middle of a church service. The organist walked up front in her socks. No shoes. In front of the whole congregation. For a split second, maybe less than a split second, I thought to myself, "Hmm that's weird. You'd think she would have taken time to put her shoes back on for Communion." Then, it hit me.

She was walking to her Father's table. Comfortable. Relaxed. Just a little bit more herself. Approaching him knowing that she was still welcome. Knowing that he welcomes his children no matter their outfit, their size, their mood, their mess-ups. Shoes or no shoes.

God doesn't see us like the world sees us. He looks on the inside, at the heart, at what matters.

I know I feel most myself when I'm stripped of everything that this world tells me makes me look better. When I'm with people that I love. When I know that I'm accepted despite what I look like or what my attitude happens to be that day. When I can be goofy and strange and not have to filter what comes out of my mouth. When I'm me.

We can go to our Father in the exact same way. We can go to him completely raw, completely ourselves. Remember, he is a personal God. On our level.

We can go to him shoeless.

Ps.....I'm gonna pray for a shoeless Communion...one day.