Doing.

If you notice the date...
you'll notice that it's been a solid year since I've done this thing.

I'm a little freaked out by the past....oh 25 minutes or so. See, I've been falling asleep to episodes...hell, seasons...of Grey's Anatomy here lately. Just to simply....distract. To be immersed in the lives of others to put my own on pause.

My wifi just up and stopped working tonight in the middle of an episode. Immediately, my mind went to...."how are you gonna fall asleep with silence..in the dark?". After reloading and reloading, I finally succumbed to the 4G on my phone. I could scroll Facebook...and then Instagram. Well, I even got on Instagram and decided to 'update' my profile. I put THIS website back on it...

As I was scrolling, I felt certain pictures and where I was both physically and spiritually THEN. There was one picture..and I didn't even have to open it to recall the caption...and I just knew that I felt foolish when I posted it. It was a picture of the Word...with a candle. And I wrote, "I've been a fool."

I used to write all the time. But not just about my feelings. Not just about my person and what I was processing. But I used to write about tugs on my heart and Jesus and the Word and how I thought my heart was entangled in him. I just....haven't done that in a while. Even the idea of this blog? was to be an outlet for those thoughts. Yes, I've had people tell me that they have been intrigued by some of my writing, but more so? it keeps me intact to do something I know I need. It makes me sit and brainstorm and feel and tie together and come to baby conclusions.

That picture? made me sit up in my bed and grab two of my study Bibles, a newer one and an old one. Not even knowing where to start, I told myself that I wanted to look at all of my little notes in the old one...and heck, maybe even see what the new one had to say and transfer any over if I felt/thought the same.

Then, I hopped on here. Well...the internet is clearly working now.

I have an issue with expectations....and an issue on not legitimately addressing and fixing issues. Straight example...that I've written a post on here before about these same damn expectations. And not doing anything to change them..at all. It's a mindset, yes. But, I've got to do something with that. I think that might even mean to 'take captive every thought'...but MAN is it so much easier to trick yourself into saying because it sounds good. Point being...that I always line something up for myself. And had I never done that? If I never did that? would I feel as directionless as now? Always finding myself in the same damn spot..'where I thought I would be'. Well, i'm not there. I'm not doing what I thought I would be doing in October of 2013.

I recently spoke with a mentor of mine who is a God-fearing, Jesus-loving, finely-intellectual woman whom just so happens to be a therapist. And she told me this: I'm grieving.
I sat on those words for a moment before backing her up to specifically clarify so I knew what she meant EXACTLY. She told me that months ago I packed up my life, said goodbyes, quit my job, lost my house, mourned some losses, and transitioned. Now, again, I'm in transition....trying to rebuild ALL of that. Well, my immediate reaction was to undermine myself because when you think of grieving, you think of someone's death, a divorce, and so on. However, she obviously knows what she's talking about so I heard her out. I then proceeded to tell her about the tugs I feel from Jesus and that I know he wants me to spend time getting to know him more so I can really own that for myself...but that I just don't feel it right now. That I don't feel like I want to and that makes me question the authenticity in it...and so I just don't put forth effort AT ALL to avoid being..fake. Hah. She told me it's not gonna happen. That feeling that I want right now...isn't gonna be there in the midst of grief.

With that, I'm surprised at the feeling I felt moments ago with wanting to grab my Bible. Goodness. Even since writing that about 7 minutes ago? the feeling has already worn off. But I'm gonna do, I'm gonna stare at it's pages for a little bit.

Here's to ACTING and not just....thinking. Here's to being...and here's to doing.

For no audience.

It's taken a night of being alone for this to arise.
A night of watching two very dramatical, fictional TV drama's to stir my tears.
Now? I can't stop.

I don't really know why I cry when I do sometimes.
But I think I might be learning? I think it may be because I'm realizing something's missing. Something that is everything. I miss Jesus. I just....I miss him? And that's the reason for my tears right now.
It's tangled with a conviction that I should miss him? but more because I just DO. My wet cheeks make me feel real and alive and in love with him. Yet? I'm regretful of so much of my damn time I spend without him. So much of my time that I question if I even do love him because of my LACK of time with him. I keep trying to dodge his presence? because I don't like feeling this vulnerable.

I can't ignore it anymore...yet, even saying that is hypocritical of me because I've been here before.

I want to love Jesus and I want it to be obvious. It doesn't look like it at work. It doesn't look like it...anywhere? Now I'm thinking of church and what people may think about me? (Cue "Stained Glass Masquerade") I say I love Jesus more than I do. (I have no more words....)

excerpt.

My own words will not suffice.

From Dietrich Bonhoeffer himself:

"Human love can never understand spiritual love, for spiritual love is from above; it is something completely strange, new, and incomprehensible to all earthly love. Because Christ stands between me and others, I dare not desire direct fellowship with them. As only Christ can speak to me in such a way that I may be saved, so others, too, can be saved only by Christ himself. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love....


...I must leave him his freedom to be Christ's; I must meet him only as the person that he already is in Christ's eyes...


...Human love constructs its own image of the other person, of what he is and what he should become. It takes the life of the other person into its own hands. Spiritual love recognizes the true image of the other person which he has received from Jesus Christ; the image that Jesus Christ himself embodied and would stamp upon all men. Therefore, spiritual love proves itself in that everything it says and does commends Christ. It will not seek to move others by all too personal, direct influence, by impure interference in the life of another. It will not take pleasure in pious, human fervor and excitement. It will rather meet the other person with the clear Word of God and be ready to leave him alone with this Word for a long time, willing to release him again in order that Christ may deal with him...


...Human love lives by uncontrolled and uncontrollable dark desires; spiritual love lives in the clear light of service ordered by the truth. Human love produces human subjection, dependence, constraint; spiritual love creates freedom of the brethren under the Word." 

conviction.

There's simply no other word for it.

Many times I run to Jesus when I don't feel too awesome. I know he sustains so I want him to fix me with spending a little time with him. It's not pure and its very selfish. I don't always see it like that though. I may get done with my time with him and feel better. I may focus on a short truth for a short amount of time in order to convince myself that his Word is dwelling in me. But, it's not. I don't ingest enough of his Truth for it to be dwelling.

I was speaking with a friend a little bit ago about seeing God, feeling God. Various Scripture was brought up. {John 8:47, 1 John 4, Matthew 5:8}. We both felt gross. We both felt shameful. We both felt proud. We then realized that we were thankful for the realization of our conviction rather than being blind to it.

So, today I don't feel better. I feel more convicted. Which is awesome? in a really weird way. A few minutes ago, part of me wanted to dig around in a different part of Scripture that was more joyous, more feel good. Ya know...so I could walk away feeling better about myself, so Jesus could make me feel happy wahoo! But, that's a lie. I don't always feel that way with Jesus. And it's that way on purpose? i think. Jesus is Truth. Truth is Jesus. He speaks it. So, with this Truth comes the very ugly depths of my heart. He speaks and I see. I see the parts of me that he points out to be broken, prideful, ignorant....sinful. Why ignore that? That would be ignorant.

So, I'm gonna sit on that today. I'm gonna walk away convicted, uncomfortable. Walk away with my sin in my face so I face truth.

uncertain....

....is everything.

God isn't enough for me.

EVERY aspect of my life is uncertain (right now?). Direction. Location. Career. Relationships. Roommates. Apartment. Education. And just when i think i've got something nailed down, it falls out from underneath me. I have no one to blame but myself.

One of my favorite quotes...

"expectations are resentments waiting to happen."

Well, I'm resentful. I've placed expectations on people, on my career, on my relationships. It's not bad to dream. I should be hopeful. But, it's unhealthy when i place this in someone else's hands. I need to BE adult and take ownership for where i've been in life and where the hell i'm going. And to start, i have to take ownership of the now.

I'm bitter and hurting and feel like at any moment in time something else will snap. Am i supposed to be learning something here? I don't want my happiness to come in the form of my job, my relationships. Sure, these can add some sprinkles. But, i want to want my happiness from God alone. But, it's not. It's  a desire, not a reality.

I'm lukewarm <----and that phrase is cliche in itself. But I get it? I fasted for a few days a few weeks ago. It completely stirred my heart, made me refocus, made me do NOTHING but sit and be still and want Jesus. I eventually allowed myself food because I felt the power of the fast. I knew (i thought) I was at a point where I would wait on the Lord with or without food in my body.... not just without food, needing him. Well, fail. Here I am again.

I want all of God all the time. But, the moment my eyes open in the morning, i'm done gone. Sinner. I start thinking of self, start seeing everyone else's shit over my own, think how i can be better for myself not my God, and ...then i sit up.

All of this makes me put walls up because i don't want to give other people power over me, yet i want all walls to come down for truth to be spoken and hurt to be revealed. i'm tired of the gray areas though. i don't want lukewarm. i want hot or cold. black or white. i want to know who i am in the Lord and not wander around my day searching for the next piece of temporal SHIT that is going to appeal to me. a bad ass bargain . a latte. a flattering male.....

i hate people. i love people. if there's one thing i've learned.... everyone is a hypocrite. wanting one thing, doing another...saying one thing, convincing himself of another.... BUT the hypocrite who ADMITS to these things.... isn't so much a hypocrite....

disconnect.

goodness, how i understand this word.

you know that weird, cliche quote basically stating the farthest distance being between the head and the heart? well, it's not so weird to me anymore.

it's. so. true. and i hate it.

when i don't deny myself, hide myself, and actually stop to look in the mirror, i can see this disconnect. ironically? i'm quite self-aware. not as much as i'd like to be? i KNOW a lot about myself, about my situation, about my God. i know when something is good for me, when something is bad for me, when something doesn't make sense, when i should speak, when i should be silent, when i should fight, when i should back down. but, i fight with my heart. my mind and my heart....they battle it out. i feel like my mind is dominating my heart with thoughts that may seem more rational but my heart is dominating my mind with feeling. that sounded ridiculous because, clearly, that's each one's role?

more so, my heart keeps winning. i don't like it. and i don't even really know what it means. i'm even wrestling with the idea that i'm letting it win? i keep on feeling and i'm tired of it. my heart is literally being worn on my sleeve because all of my actions, all of my words convey such. my feelings transfer into my mind and then my thoughts build and become irrational. if i try to turn off these feelings? i begin to think i'm lying to myself. feelings are feelings right? they aren't supposed to be wrong if you feel them?

my heart feels one thing. my mind knows another. disconnect. i mean it'd be nice if the two could just line up. here's where i'm clearly faithless.

funny thing? these feelings of dissonance and distrust are most prevalent when i'm not spending time with jesus. when i'm not talking to him. when i'm not listening to him. you'd think i would have learned by now?

i've looked up scripture the past two days on 'heart'. solid, provoking thoughts. and cliche? proverbs 3:5 came to light.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding....

hah. this verse makes more sense now. in my head, my mind I convince myself that I trust him. but i don't really think i do. my heart doesn't at least. but, how do you get there? how do you tell yourself, your heart how to feel? actually kinda blows my mind. i want to trust him (mind). but i don't feel like i do (heart).

at the end of many of these posts? i seem to come to a 'revelation' of sorts. this one? not so much. makes me uncomfortable actually. just goes to prove i don't have the answers. just goes to prove more of my own shit is coming to surface, i'm having to deal with it, and i don't even fully know how to do that. i just know that i'm being challenged, feeling confused, and desiring to let go of even the control i have to need answers.

control.

It's quite simple.

I have an issue with control. It's one of my many vices. And a continual struggle.

I want to control my circumstances, other peoples' circumstances, my job, my family, my friends, acquaintances, my income, my future, my present. Control even being present when I simply want to be in the know. Being in the know helps me control my wandering thoughts. My assumptions. I'm fearful of the unknown yet like spontaneity? I'm fearful of not being heard. I'm afraid of surprises. Surprises that I'm not gonna enjoy or be okay with. Interestingly enough, the basis of this control must be experiencing emotions that I'm afraid I won't be able to tackle. When I control, I control my emotions. I guess that means I'm fearful of being irrational and overreactive?

I am still dissecting where the root of this may have formed and just what exactly it is that makes me feel so good when this power is maintained.

When it comes down to it, control is doubt which is lack of faith in God. It's that simple. It's me saying, "Ya know what God? I'm good. I don't really want to trust you because I'm afraid it might not turn out the way I want it. I'm gonna ignore you when I want to ignore you. I'm gonna call out to you at my convenience. I'm not gonna place any detail of my life in your hands because I think I can do a better job. I'm fearful of being fearful and I want to know beforehand if any dissonance will arise. Thanks."

Gross.

I'm not trusting him. I'm not trusting his love for me. And most of all, I'm not trusting his promises. His promises to BE with me. His promises to HOLD me. His promises to COVER me. His promises to LEAD me.

Hah. I try to be him. I try to hold myself, cover myself, lead myself. And that gets me nowhere.

I'm over control. Probably not really, but I want to be. I don't want control to have control over me. I want my God to have control over me. Even out of this mess of control, God is still good. I wouldn't know what it felt like to yearn for him to have control if I didn't have this struggle in the first place. To know lack of control, I must first know control. To know what it feels like for him to take the reigns, I had to first hold the reigns.

I want to want what he wants.... I want him to be my distraction. I'm tired of waking up and letting this world take over me. Not even LETTING it. It's going to happen because of my sinful nature. But, enabling God to take over has to sometimes be a conscious thought. It has to be a prayer. It has to be relationship. "Free will to be surrendered" (E.F.).

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" Isaiah 41:13